maybe it looked like nothing
sounded like nothing.
maybe it was nothing.

but it doesn't feel like it;
at least to me

they say a word loses its meaning after kept being repeated a little too many times

then i wondered,
how many times do i have to keep repeating those words
that came out of your mouth, until it doesn't felt like it's stabbing me
every **** time the memories rang on the back of my head?

you know how humans mark the beginning and end of something, as if there's an exact border line between things?

astrologies, seasons,
eras in history,
& even night and morning

when in reality, it has always been progressive
slowly fading into something,
and you won't even realize until it has turned into something completely different

that's why people time lapse things like sunsets
and paintings
so they can look back on moments
they did not realize was changing

i guess that's how our conversation went
how we went

scrolling through our talks and chats, is exactly
like a time lapse
like a sunset perhaps

looking back on things i didn't realize was changing
until it was too late

i hope one day you'll go through our time lapse
like i did
and i hope it means as much to you, as it means to me
and remember how once,
for a certain amount of time,
before it went completely dark
it was beautiful.
every second of it.

"how was it like to feel a heartbreak?", her sister asked.
"was it like getting your tooth pull out? 'cause that really hurts."

she took a breath, and smiled at her.
"no, it's the pain before that. it's all those sleepless night holding your cheeks, wishing you could scream because it hurts so bad but you just couldn't."

that's what it felt like.
how i wish i could easily pull a heartbreak out like pulling a single tooth.

there are many types of fear that each of us has,
despite of what the reasons are

one fears the empty room, afraid of being lonely.
one fears the dark, afraid of feeling blind.

one fears height, afraid of falling down
and one fears love, afraid of feeling broken

2016

Feelings are complicated, and yet feelings are unbearable.
You can try so hard figuring out what's going on with you, to deny what you feel, to give up on it.
But if it's not meant to be, those feelings will still be there.

One fascinating thing about feelings, is that you absolutely have no idea how or when or why you feel it.

You can just see this one guy everyday, and it was all normal.
And one day, you just somehow start to notice things about him.

You'd start to notice how he acts, towards you, or his friends, or your friends.

You begin to look a little deeper into his eyes, and memorising how beautiful his dark brown eyes can be.
How those eye bags underneath his eyes, tells how less he sleeps at night.

How he smiles and laughs, when he curves his lips like a little kid and how you can hear the breath he takes in between his laughter.

You'll start to pay attention whenever his group of friends pass by, to see if he's there. Maybe, you'll find any reason to actually see him as often as you could.

And you begin to look for him, wondering if he is around you.

But, do you think, that is when you are falling for someone?
No.

You were admiring him. You just happen to see that he's worth your attention.

Admiring is when you start seeing him.

But falling?
Falling is when you begin trying to see through him.

You begin questioning things on your head about him, wondering things you never thought you will.

Wondering if he stares at you, as deep as you do.
Wondering what he'd be doing at those hours when your insomnia comes, does he stare at ceiling on his bed? Or he'd be listening to music just like you?
Wondering, calculating the what if's you have, if you guys are together.

How you suddenly try to remember every moment that you have crossed path with him, and wondering why you never notice him before.

Why now?

Why him?

Well, the best thing about it is, you can do nothing about it.

why does it have to hurt this much?
until my tears tasted so bitter on the tip of my tongue,
and my lungs seemed to suffocate,
running out of breath,
when you left.

wondering through the sky
wondering if i
if we
if maybe
somewhere between those smiles
among those glances through the eyes
that we could be something
more than just nothing

just like a wound,
feelings don't just vanish overnight.

i remember your eyes
reminded me of the heat of the sun
and how i hate that
because i was so in love with the coldness of the night breeze

then you showed me that heat could be nice too
with the warm gaze in your eyes

but in time i am already in love with the sun
with the heat and all the warm
your eyes
remind me of the cold of the night breeze
and somehow i hate that
because i've already been in love with the warmth of the sun

and you show me now
that the chills of the breeze is no longer nice
when i look right at the cold gaze in your eyes

what if i'm just one of the series of toys that you play with,
but you're my Andy?