be reminded
that in all these unfamiliarities

you're home
in the most familiar place you've ever been

so remember
in any place and phase you are in your life
there's always gonna be opposites in your mind

meaning being
when things are great, there are going to be things trying to pull you down
when you are in a bad place, there's always still something good behind it
and even on rock bottom, there's nowhere else but up

like a half full half empty cup
it's all in your mind, all along

the complexity
of counting one to three

ranges from hide and seek
to counting in music

to taking a deep breathing
while you're suffocating

from being happy, to anxiety
from birthday parties,
to holding your tears,
when no one's looking.

one two three
it's crazy, how the simplest things,
the first words of a baby,
can even be,
the last words someone hears, while they're trying hard to still breathe.

2020

we met, under the same sky, not certain if it's the same stars

cause where i am and where you are,
you're with the moon and i'm wondering if what i see is the real one
whether it's the whiskey, or my brain is playing games with me

we met, but not quite
'cause you're sober, i'm not, i was broken that time

we both were in the place where we shouldn't be, at a party
no, not that kind,
but i was just painfully torn from an ex lover, and you're still with your current

i was at my lowest point at my romance,
meanwhile you, were still a toxic one

then came a question,
was it
the perfect timing for us to find each other?
perfectly right, or perfectly wrong,
one might wonder?

was what we need, each other, in order to heal
or would we just, tear each others' heart?

and tell me,
if we don't jump now,
when else will we have a chance,
to cross path again and meet?

my mind wanders
while the moon shines through you
or was it just a reflection from the pool
now i just want to have you

is it selfish of me,
i know you want it too,
but can we really,
take the chance out of the blue?

2019

"What are you doing here?"
"It's your birthday today.
And I haven't seen you in a while, thought I'd stop by."

How does he makes it sound like nothing?
I don't get it.
I trembled so much to open my mouth, yet yours seemed so.....easy.

"You better go."
"Wait. Can we talk?"
"Now's not a great timing." I said it as I shut my door. I can't take it.


He holds the door, putting his wrist on the gap so I won't be able to close it.
I can see his left hand quite clearly, but it feels like a hand of a stranger now.
"I know your last memory of me wasn't exactly great for you to recall, but can you give me a chance to explain?"
"A little late for that now, don't you think?"
"You know I owe you an explanation."
"I don't need that anymore."


"I was dying."

I paused. Letting him to open the door wide.

"I was sick. Several months was all I had."

I just stood there. Silence. I was speechless for a while.
"Why don't you tell me?"
"Can we talk inside?"

"Yeah. Sure."

We went inside. And now I am not sure how to feel.
We sat on the couch, and he told me he wasn't leaving town that day.
He got treated in a hospital, isolated from the city and so far away.
He said it wasn't necessary, to be hospitalized that far. But he didn't want me to find out, or leaving the possibility of me meeting him, looking at his pale skin, he said it would hurt him to see me. And it would hurt me to see him.

I wanted to be angry, but how could I?

"I thought by doing that, you would just hate me. It's painful enough for me having to leave you, but I couldn't handle the thought of you knowing that I was going to die. It's just better for the both of us if you just remember me as a ****** bag than a disease."

I tried to understand. But I can't lie it's still very hard to see him after all these times. I missed him,
so much.
He reaches for my hand and looks at me in the eye. I tried so hard not to cry.

"All that matters is that you're okay now. Right?"
"Yeah. It was still a long journey, but I am okay now."

"But there is still one thing I need to tell you."

And he tells me when he was in the hospital, he met someone.
It was a coincidence. She was visiting her mom and saw him across her mom's room. Her mom had the same disease he had.
They already knew each other, well probably knew quite a while.
She also didn't know he was sick at first, well no one did.
He asked her to keep it that way, he didn't want anyone to know.

"And within the next week, she always visited me whenever she visited her mother."

Then weeks turned into months. He said at one point, he was actually getting better. Then suddenly, he went all bad again. Dying again. Over and over again. That's why he still didn't want me to know. Until he was actually cured for good, he said.


Then her mother passed away a year ago. She was very sad and torn. I feel sorry for her. I remember one of my best friend's mom also passed away a year ago. Can't imagine what she had to go through.

Then he said she was always by his side ever since. All those time hard times. Through every pain he's in, and every hopes and tears he had. Not me.

“She was there for me through my toughest times somehow. I still miss you so much, but I admit it that it made me think about her sometimes. And the more time went by, we.....cared for each other.”

I can see he is trying not to make it a big deal. But it is. I know exactly the word he was looking for, but I wish it is not what I think it is.

But in his eyes, I knew it is not just caring. That this was what he wanted to explain. Not the sick and dying, not the pain he left me, but to tell me that I am no longer in this picture.

“It's more than that, doesn’t it?”
I tried really hard to say it out loud without cracking my voice, but I know he knows.

And in his hesitation, he knows I know.

I,
smiled.
I wish I could be mad and furious. But for what?
I love him too much for that.
I am holding my tears back that I bit my lip so hard at this point that it felt numb.

"Please say something."

What am I supposed to say?


"Sorry I am just absorbing all of this, haha.
Who is this girl?
Can you show me?"


Stupid. Out of all the questions I could ask, why that?


"You know her."
"Do I?"

Apparently, I do.
Remember my best friend, who said she was coming back to return my stuff?


"Oh."
"Please don't be mad. It's not her fault.
Everything was just quite, happens."

Then she shows up at my front door, knocking. And when I open it, I feel like I am looking at a completely different person right now.

"I'm sorry.
You deserve to be mad or say anything to me, and we don't want to go behind your back.
He just got out of the hospital this very day. And we thought it's best that we let you know, right away."


That's the problem.
Now, I don't know what I feel. Or what I should feel.
I want to blame everything on him, on them, on myself, and my feelings are all over the place.
But I know they don't mean to hurt me.
I know them too well for that.
I know that he wants the best for me, so does she.
That's what's driving me crazy.
That I never had the chance,
to be by his side.
Never had the chance,
other than blaming on myself.
What did I do wrong?
Am I not enough?
All those time,
it should've been me.

It could've been me.

Then I close my eyes for a while,
'cause everything becomes very blurry.

Hoping all of this is just a dream.
Though I know the pain now is more than real.
It's stabbing me.

It's my birthday today.
And my wish still stays the same.


–

What would you wish for?"

I took a long pause, staring at the candles,
and I say without hesitance.

"Amnesia."

And blew out the candle with both of my eyes closed,
hoping the moment the fire burns out,
so does the memory of him.

2019

"Don't be silly."
"I was joking."
"Yeah you joke about that for what now, 3 years?!"

Yeah.
I've wished for this stupid thing for 3 years in a row.
It's just......easier, i think.
Rather than wishing that he'd come back,
i knew it wouldn't be the same.
I don't know if I could forgive him even if he actually shows up in front of me one day.

"It's because of him, isn't it?"

I stood there in silence.
It's not that I'm surprised of the question, but there's just nothing can come out of my mouth.

"Oh who cares, it's your birthday today. Let's just cut the cake already. I'm hungry!"

Now this is why you have to thank your other friend who's really good at breaking ice in this type of situation. To distract the cold air in the room.

"Leave me some. I have takeouts but I'm gonna want the cake."
"Sure, we'll leave you half of it."

Not more than 20 minutes later, they left.
Considering our houses are around an hour drive from each other, it's pretty late now since we all still have work the next day.


Around 15 minutes went by, one of them texts me.
"Hey I accidentally bring your stuff with me, otw back to return it. Sorry."

No big deal.
So i text back,
"Sure, it's fine. Just knock when you get here."

While waiting, I look around for 'the stuff' in the living room, but I can't find anything that's missing.
Maybe it's something in the bathroom? Bedroom? I don't know how long they've been here before I came home,
and what other room in this house that they used, I said to myself.
Since i'm already tired and sleepy, and it's late, i decide to just lay down on the couch to rest for a while.
But I figure if i lay down then I'll go straight to sleep in seconds, so well I just sit straight I guess.


Then there's a knock, and I immediately jumped from my couch straight to the door.
Usually, I will still take a second to look from the peephole, but who else could it be.

So I unlock the door, turn the ****, and swing the door open without hesitance.
.
.
.
and it's probably one of the worst decision to not peek from my peephole today.



"Um....hey.
Happy birthday."

I don't know if this is the sugar rush that the cake gave me,
or i'm just really tired and sleepy,
or if this is a dream.


I tried to move my hand to slap myself, they say do that if you're uncertain whether you're in a dream or reality.

If it hurts, then it's real.
But I can't move my hand, or my feet, or anything right at this moment.
But one thing's for sure,
it does hurt.
My heart hurts,
that's how I know it's real.


And the only one who can give me this much of a pain,

is him.

2019

Today is my birthday.

I just got off from the bus, on the station nearest to my house.
It is 8.30 pm, the time that always left me confused, whether i should go take an evening stroll, or go to the nearest grocery store, or just straight home to rest.

Work finished really late today, so I decided to grab takeouts and take it home to eat. What a great way to end your birthday, don't you think?

At this age, birthdays don't really matter as huge as when you were in high school. Yes it is still somehow important, and especially for me, birthdays are constant reminder for you to look back and figure out what milestone have you reached this past year. And are the people who celebrate your birthday last year still celebrating it this year? If yes, great. If not, where are they now?

Yeah.
Where are you now?

/

It has been 4 years, since i last saw you.
Exactly 4 years,
since you left me on the day of my birthday.

It's funny,
it seems so long but it feels like yesterday.
I feel like it was just last night you came to my house, and knocked on my front door.
I remember you were bringing me a cake and a gift, i was beyond happy, and i invited you in.
I cut the cake, we took picture, you hugged me, then you looked me in the eye.
"I am leaving town tomorrow."

"Why?", I asked.
"Job, and i don't know for how long."
"Why?"
"My boss asked me, so I have to."
"No. I mean, why tomorrow?"
"The flight has been booked for me. First thing tomorrow morning. I guess they need me right away."
"But you'll come back, right?"
And you stood there in silence.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"

And the rest of the conversation is the part i tried so hard to erase ever since.
You said it's best for us to seperate, and things won't work out eventually even if we tried.
You said if it is meant to be, we will meet again at another time.

And right there, is what left me hanging until this very day,
should i try to wait, or brush it all off instead?

/

After the short stroll i took, that made my mind wandered back to you, i arrived home.
I realized that my front door is not locked, and made me panic right away.
I slowly open my door, with a plastic bag filled with food that i am ready to sacrifice as a weapon if there's an intruder at my house.
And,
it's just my friends.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", said all 3 of 'em.
Dang it. They must've asked my mom where I left my spare keys.

There's a cake with candles, and some balloons all around my living room.

"Come on, the candle's gonna melt anytime soon now!"
"Yeah hurry! We don't have spare candles."

"Fine."
"Wait. Make a wish first, you idiot."
"Adults don't do that anymore."
"I don't care. We still do."
"Come on. What would you wish for?"

I took a long pause, staring at the candles,
and I say without hesitance.

"Amnesia."

And blew out the candle with both of my eyes closed,
hoping the moment the fire burns out,
so does the memory of him.