2018

Does it necessarily called sad even when there's no tears?
Does it necessarily called scar even when there's no mark?
Does it necessarily called pain, even when it doesn't show?



Heart.
Break.
Heartbreak.


I am used to hearing this word on a daily basis.
Maybe a little too often, but my point here is, everyone knows someone 'utters' that they are in a heartbreak once in a while.

So, what is heartbreak to you?
"When someone can't keep their promises while they have the chance to." —Alessandra A.
"Uncertainty." —Samuel Wijaya
"Friends who leave." —Vivian Loo
"Being a disappointment." —Ryon Regasa
"When the butterflies are no longer there." —Calvina Izumi
"Seeing him smile, but I'm not the reason." —Anonymous
"When someone you love, has another name in his/her heart." —Evadne Richard
"When an effort to love can't be seen anymore because it is sealed shut by a mistake." —David Halim
"When you finally meet someone you love sincerely and somehow they start distancing themselves, and you don't even talk to them anymore and you don't even know why."—Natasha

These are some opinions from my friends that probably represent some/most of your thoughts about a heartbreak, at least describe what comes first to your mind after hearing that word.
And those opinions also described mine, and mostly represent some of the heartbreak(s) that had occured in my life.

Now,
concluding all the opinions above
How would I myself define what heartbreak is?
I would define it as an invisible yet irresistible pain.

Headache is a type of pain.
And heartbreak is also a type of pain.
But we all know that both of them are completely different.

When you're having a headache, you know exactly where it hurts.
But when you're having a heartbreak, it just hurts.
You don't know exactly where the pain came from,
even when some referred to their chest ('cause it's where their heart is) or anywhere else, it's actually just the side effect of having a heartbreak itself.
Just enough explanation to state that heartbreak is like a nowhere and everywhere type of pain.
You can't see and you can't know where it hurts, but it's real. As if it was invisible as it is uncertain.
Just because you can't really point out where it hurts, doesn't mean it's not there.

And another thing about heartbreak is, you can't resist it. No matter how hard you try.
There is no painkiller for your heartbreak, and even if you use something as a pain killer (such as alcohol?), it doesn't necessarily works as one.
It doesn't make the pain go away, it just distracts you from what you're feeling, temporarily.
It shifts your attention and feelings into something less noteworthy for a moment, and then the next day the pain is still going to be there.
You can try to resist it, but only time that can make all of that fades.
And even when it fades, it doesn't go away.
It never will.

2017

Lost in your thoughts,
'til day dreaming becomes your daily habit.
Countless of sleepless nights,
strong enough to make you feel weak.

If he's the one,
or if he's not,
is he even worth it?


It is always a beautiful thing when a person starts falling for someone.
The way her eyes will sparks when she sees him, the way she can't hide her excitement when she talks about him.
The way she glances at him and trying to hold it back.

The way she's lost in her thoughts,
every day and night,
thinking,
wondering,
maybe,
just maybe,
if there's even a slight chance for it?

Holding back the thoughts is one thing.
But the way a person craves for the chances, craves for the possibilities, is a completely different thing.

She can't hide how her eyes sparks.
She can't lie about her stupid little glances at him.
It tortures her, yes, but what can she do?

Secretly,
She'll be hoping his eyes will light up when he talks about her, like she talks about him.
Hoping when their eyes meet, he'll curve a little smile at her.

And secretly,
She'll be hoping,
between those little glances, he might look back for a little while.

Secretly?
Yeah.

Because there is never any certainty when it comes to feelings.

2016

Love.
It is a really short and simple word, and yet people always mistaken on the meaning of it.

What is love?
Is it love when you're around him, your heart beats faster and get nervous straight away?
Is it love when he walks by, and suddenly you turn into a complete idiot and your brain stops working?
Is it love when he smiles at you, the world suddenly stops and you'll blush because you notice that his smile is so ******* charming?

If your answer to those questions are yes, then you've been wrong this whole time.

Love isn't suppose to make you nervous, to make you look like a complete fool.
Love, is suppose to make you comfortable.
It is suppose to feel like home, but the difference is, you don't find this 'home' at a place.

You find it on a person.
A person who knows you to the very deep of your soul, who knows every detail of you. And you don't find it on a person you just met.

So, do I believe in love at first sight?
Not at all, not even a tiny bit.

But, I do believe when you meet a person, there's this click.
You don't "love" him at the very moment you see him, but it is as if your feeling tells you that there's something about this person.
Something that makes you feel, that he is different.

And, people live for that click.


You don't actually know what that click will brings you to, and that's what makes feelings are so interesting, isn't it?


Because you can only let your feelings flow and it will show you where it goes.

2016

Feelings are complicated, and yet feelings are unbearable.
You can try so hard figuring out what's going on with you, to deny what you feel, to give up on it.
But if it's not meant to be, those feelings will still be there.

One fascinating thing about feelings, is that you absolutely have no idea how or when or why you feel it.

You can just see this one guy everyday, and it was all normal.
And one day, you just somehow start to notice things about him.

You'd start to notice how he acts, towards you, or his friends, or your friends.

You begin to look a little deeper into his eyes, and memorising how beautiful his dark brown eyes can be.
How those eye bags underneath his eyes, tells how less he sleeps at night.

How he smiles and laughs, when he curves his lips like a little kid and how you can hear the breath he takes in between his laughter.

You'll start to pay attention whenever his group of friends pass by, to see if he's there. Maybe, you'll find any reason to actually see him as often as you could.

And you begin to look for him, wondering if he is around you.

But, do you think, that is when you are falling for someone?
No.

You were admiring him. You just happen to see that he's worth your attention.

Admiring is when you start seeing him.

But falling?
Falling is when you begin trying to see through him.

You begin questioning things on your head about him, wondering things you never thought you will.

Wondering if he stares at you, as deep as you do.
Wondering what he'd be doing at those hours when your insomnia comes, does he stare at ceiling on his bed? Or he'd be listening to music just like you?
Wondering, calculating the what if's you have, if you guys are together.

How you suddenly try to remember every moment that you have crossed path with him, and wondering why you never notice him before.

Why now?

Why him?

Well, the best thing about it is, you can do nothing about it.

just like how a fire burned down a piece of paper in a blink of an eye,
that's exactly how easy you broke each piece of me

that is why
"don't play with fire", or you'll see

am i a fool for thinking we could have a chance
meanwhile you're the moon and i'm just one among those other stars

that's the thing about love
it's either a lesson or a distraction