Temporary.

Everything in life is temporary.
Family
Friends
Love
Pets
Life itself.

But it's what happens during then that makes living worthwhile.

When you have good memories hanging out with friends, that's what makes life worth living
When you come home and the most amazing animal comes running to come greet you because to them, you are their world. That's what makes life worth living.
When you are wrapped in the embrace of a lover or friend after having a hard time, that's what makes life worth living.

But…

What if none of that happens?

What if, all your friends leave? Break your trust? You can only lament on the past instead of look on into the future, stuck in the past.  that's what makes life not worth living
When you come home to either the silence of an empty abode, or yelling and screaming for something you did wrong, that's what makes life not worth living.
When you have a bad time, but there is no one to embrace you, and to tell you that everything is going to be fine.

When no one is there to tell you it's going to be okay
When no one is there to tell you that there is going to be a tomorrow
When on one is there to tell you

“Don't do it”

That's what makes life not worth living.

Friends fade.
I know this.
Why does it hurt though?
Knowing because of a decision I made,
My friendship is fading.

It wasn't a bad move.
I introduced her to another person.
Now her life is consumed by that other person.

She thinks because I've been here for three years
That it's okay to ignore me
Because I'll “Never leave”

Sure.
We will go with that.
I'll cry
I'll think about ending everything
I'll be dramatic
I'll take the poking and prodding
I'll take the “jokes”
I'll take the low blows
I'll take the teasing and the *******
But I'll be there
When she needs me I'll be there
But then I need her she tells me to find someone else

When I need her she tells me what I need to do
When I need her she tells me to **** it up
When I need her she tells me to stop crying

She's a pessimist
What am I expecting?
Nothing,
Anymore.

I'm an optimist.
At least I think I am.

Can I be an optimist when I feel like **** all day?
Can I be an optimist when all I want to do is die?
When all I want to do is never see anyone ever again,
Yet crave human connection?

Why do I care?
Why should I care?

People don't care about me
Why do I care about them so much?

Why should I care that because of me my best friend has new friends?
Why should I care that she does everything with her that she use to do with me,
Even just sitting in silence together.
That was our thing
Now it's theirs.

I shouldn't be angry
Or jealous
I should be happy
She found someone new
A newer, cooler version or me
Right?

She doesn't need me anymore.
She was the one to put the time limit on the friendship
Not me

When we get into arguments she says
The two years is past it's due.
Like we weren't supposed to be friends for this long
With this mentality
She doesn't try to repair
To fix
To care
I put in double the effort for something she doesn't want to fix
Because it's over the expiry date
Because
According to her
Our friendship is rotten
Something that shouldn't be
Something that is an anomaly in her life
And because of this she doesn't think she should care
That she shouldn't try

Okay, let's be profound for a second, let's be cheesy, sappy, gross or whatever you want to call it for just a second. Because it's better to have it out there then to bottle it all up inside of yourself.

Do you feel?
I try to, in the shower. I attempt to feel something, anything, so I take off my glasses, and I turn the water temperature to boiling. And I just stand there, hot water streaming down my back, trying to feel something. I guess I do, I feel the heat radiating off my back, I feel the cold when I step away. But I don't feel.  
When I take off my glasses, all I can see are blobs of color, sometimes I prefer that to the world I see through my glasses, here, everything is whatever you want it to be, you can see a mixture of blues and reds and you don't have to just assume it's a balled up sheet. It can be anything you want it to be.
So when I take off my glasses in the shower I hope to be transported to this realm, but I don't. I stay, where the walls are white and shampoo bottles line the shelves. I stay in the place where I can't have creativity, where I don't  feel like anything.
Do you ever think to yourself, I exist, try it sometime. I acknowledge that I exist as a person, I exist, but for what purpose? Will you find that purpose with another human being? With an animal? With a job? Who knows. I just hope that I find mine soon. Because standing in the shower, hot water pouring down onto my body, I think of this, I think, is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this what I'm meant to be? Someone who tries desperately to cling onto people, someone who hates sharing her friends because I am scared they will run away, someone who can't trust her best friend not to leave just like the other ones who stole the label best friend has. Someone who doesn't think she is good enough for anyone.
Since I can't feel anything don't you think that I should be a thrill seeker, I'm the absolute opposite, I've tried stuff like that before, it doesn't help, it just makes people worry, makes people judge, I don't like that. The only time I think I feel something is when I'm in the shower or reading. Reading is my escape, I go into someone else, I see what they see I finally feel. People think it is weird that I don't think when I read. It's because I Feel when I read.
I don't enjoy reading in between the lines while enjoying a good book, I Like to just go with what the author is attempting to get across. When I do this, I feel something. Even if it's a fake rush of adrenaline, or anxiety because of something a character did in a book. I still feel something.
Do you feel?
I try to, in the shower.