I want to forget you,
politely and looking back on how good our time together was,
thinking that it was just not meant to be.
Don't start changing now, don't make me hate you.

I tried to forget you with someone else.
but when he smiled (and he did it often)
I remembered the serious face you have most of the time, like you are analyzing what surrounds you, taking in every detail and how your smile is like a shooting star, only to be seen once in a while.
And I forced myself to kiss him,
foolishly thinking that would keep you out of my mind, so naive to think I could take out of my head someone that lives in my heart, and that those strange lips could fill the void of not having yours.
I came back home. I broke down once again.
This morning I picked my pieces and put them back together. My lips that kissed you, my hands that held you, my eyes blinded by you, every piece of me that has had you and glued it all to go out and try again.

Please, make it stop.
Stop this pain,
stop this hopeless hope,
stop the love.
Fast forward to a time when I won't think of him
(or when he'll feel ready to be with me)
Make me understand that I cannot have everything I wish for
(or him that I can make his deepest wishes true)
I don't want to keep living out of flashes and moments,
I don't want to keep worrying about the definite end.
I don't want to kiss him and leave wondering when it will happen again.
Give me a sign of what to pray for,
because I really don't know what to ask for when I get on my knees.
Do I keep praying for him to realize I am the one or for me to realize that he may not be?
How can I convince myself of that?
(how can I convince him?)
I bet no one would believe that I felt he was special since day one,
that I saw in you whan no one would see.
And then you smiled, and then you talked,
and you named all the reasons to be who you are.
And just when I couldn't stop picturing my life without him,
he comes and says he is happy alone.
That he is not ready right now,
that he does not want me, nor anyone.
How do I compete against that?
There's no other woman,
there's nothing to fight against but himself.
He says he doesn't know how to think in plural anymore cause he's been alone for so long,
well, so have I,
c'mon my love, react.
We can learn together, from the basics if you want,
from writting each other notes and drawing hearts on the windows of our cars.
So, what will it be?
Do I give up or do you give in?

I saw you today.
I saw you safe.
I saw you smile.
That's all I needed.
The chit-chatting and laughter were bonus points.

NFL season and 49ers games.
Twins.
Dark clothes.
The cranberries music that you so shamely confessed you liked.
Rock festivals and when 80s pop is played in night clubs cause it's the only way you will stand up and dance with me.
Buffalo wings on our first date.
Zombie movies although we've never seen a movie together.
The rooftop outside my apartment that you hated cause it didn't let us watch the sunrise.
That limited edition beer we tried together and both disliked.
Random attacks of laughter, silence and my bed.
Big streets and long rides in my car and that it only takes 10 minutes to get to your house.
Watching buildings and streets get constructed because I've never seen Engineering the same way since you explained it to me and the passion you put in your career.
The sofa at one of our friend's house.
Yellow pick ups and blue Jetta's.
The space between my fingers.
Small eyes and your dad's smile.

Today I almost lost you,
for real and forever.
Your sister called and said someone had put a gun at your head, that someone wanted to take you,
that someone had tried to hurt you.
I felt numb and instantly shred a tear.
Thank God you are fine.
Thank God they realized it wasn't you who they wanted.
Thank God you are alive.
In that moment I didn't care if you were mine or not, I just wanted you safe.
I'm so relieved you and I are still breathing the same air.
"Tell him I love him"
That's the first time you are going to hear those words from me and your sister is going to say them.
***** that "I quit to you" thing.
I can't quit loving you.
I don't care anymore if we end up together or not.
I just want to love you more.
I want to know wherever you are, you are ok.

I've been using the shaking hands thing
in my poems a lot lately,
and I know it may sound cliche,
but for a surgeon to be
it's kind of a big deal.
I'm used to keep everything under control,
to be steady as a rock,
around chaos and blood and pain,
everything collapsing but my hands are always still.
Then you came, and suddenly my entire career is at risk when you say hi.