In the evening
Demands of fluttering hearts
The swaying of
Leaves
Through the dusty breeze
A priest that preaches
about the fruits of life
I guess I'm just fond of
Nectarines
In a season
Of reasonably rose peaches

you wake up
his hair is spilled across the pillow,
the sun slants across his cheekbone
and his breath is slow and even.
he smells like an open field
and his body is wrapped around yours
so he keeps you warm.
you think,
there is no moment better than this,
that he is too perfect to exist.
but you wake up gasping,
skin soaked in sweat.
you lie there for a long time,
in your completely empty bed.

it would take
78 antidepressant pills or
60 mg of nicotine or
11 lbs of pasta or
4 bottles of wine or
2 minutes of carbon monoxide or
a single text message

to make my heart stop entirely

goodbye lover, goodbye
my broken heart will heal
but my youth will never restore
if I could return the stolen moments
I would, tenfold, back to you
I have no right to keep them hostage
I know my emotions were never
your responsibility, though I guiltily
made them your cross to bear
you exchanged sadness for pleasure
though I love you not for what you did
or the ways you'd make me laugh or feel
or the times you'd make me think and care
but because I felt as though I saw you
goofy, odd, brilliant, funny, wonderful, ****
my feelings are always genuine
and though we have bid one another farewell
I am certain my feelings will remain
long after my youth and body have gone
so adieu chéri, adieu--
some infinities are longer than others
the one we shared has never ended for me
though I can't give back these thoughts
the knowledge of loves existence is my burden
someday, days or years
lifetimes or centuries from now
a rainbow will touch the ocean
because my love for you spans
a greater infinity than time itself
but until that moment arrives
(if it ever arrives in this life time)
goodbye sweet love, goodbye--
for as long as you'd like

if you try to find my faults
you won't have to look very hard
I'm aware of every character flaw

my low self-esteem
caring too much about other people
when their bad days ruin my mood
the days I can't quite get out of bed
or the times where I've filled my mind
with thoughts welcoming death

I start to worry when someone is late
they've forgotten about me
they don't love me, or even like me
and sometimes that ends up being true
validating my own self-hatred
my brain reminds me I was right

I'm as hideous and disgusting
and unworthy of kindness
as I had always suspected

I hold everyone else up on a pedestal
every person I've encountered is
better, prettier, smarter, wiser
and I fall in love with the way
their eyes sparkle and lips curl
when they're passionately speaking

maybe I never love myself because
I can't see the spark in my own eyes
or maybe it doesn't exist at all