breathing
it is odd to think that such an involuntary, seemingly inconsequential thing
is what keeps us alive
we can not simply quit it
air flows in and out on its own
you may try to hold it, but it continues flowing
long after you've passed out
dreaming
on a cold floor

you tried
but you were so scared to try harder
you knew you wouldn't be able to do it
and making the effort is terrifying
you can hold your breath
but you can not take it
you are afraid

you have almost given up hope
you used to say this was ridiculous
you would never consider it
you would never try
you didn't
need
to
you were happy
what happened?

you fell
you spiraled down
and you tripped on the last stair
battered
bruised
hurt in more ways than physical
the things you require from people are withheld
the love you give is snatched greedily
and
never returned

you fell.

now it seems that
trying
is pointless
everything is pointless
apathy
you are numb
and nothing matters right now
you don't want to be
you want your particles
s c a t t e r ed
far into the wind

Love.
is it a good thing?
a bad thing you have decided
it is only pain
but you crave it
you hate the fact but you need it
and this one thing you need so much
is always just out of your grasp

It's so difficult
You force yourself to keep going
Sluggish, robotic motions
Corrupted hardware
Programs that don't work
You want to stop.

i cultivate your thoughts in my sleep
&always; end up here,
but i understand.
all i ever wanted was your mind - you can
keep the rest.

When thought that words no more
could be hunted down and bent to my will,
I hear them sing from places  still
unfound, though nothing have i sought more,

And strain to catch the faint tune
of memories I dimly recall of times when
While standing nearly alone just then,
I sang up to a moon

And of when the moon had all but gone
and  the tides all washed away;
But the words I hunt are all now done,
and scurry from the light of day.

If you took an x-ray & looked at my insides, they'd be a Picasso.
All tangled shapes, color spills, and meaning hidden
Or maybe a ******* --
endless splatters of endless paint that are all the same, except portrayed           differently.
An entire infinity in those dots, a life of
wishing for someone you could never be
or remember,
And remember, lost in place.