Is it a lesson or is it a test?
I am unstudied,
But I try my best,
And you so smart,
Life is not fair,
You already know I am unprepared.
©B L Costello 2020

I go to bed anxious,
What is there to do?
What will tomorrow do to you?
I close my eyes,
I wake up afraid…
My god,
The bed is not even made,
And I have just gone thru so much,
Laying here wondering “what”
How can I ever fathom “why”?
I can’t even open my eyes,
I am sure,
I will become unglued,
If I can’t stay next to you,
But money is evil,
And we love sin,
Monday,
So… the week begins
©B L Costello 2017

GRANDMA’S TATTOO
“You could cover that tattoo,”

She said….

”show some respect”.
“Do you think if I did….
the world would forget?”

“But your old”,
“And……it’s strange,”
“It looks like a price,”

Grandma smiled and said….

“Well I’ve paid all my life”,

I challenged her vanity,
And…she fought with her pride,
Never again,
Would she ever hide,
I am older now
I no longer wonder……
…..about that tattoo,
Or the cost of those numbers
© B L Costello 2016

“Don’t let it hurt”,
(Through tears she begged)
“RELAX”!
“DON’T ****”!
“Cross your legs”,
“It only gets harder”,
“Life is not fair”,
(She pulled the brush through her hair)
“The shoes are tight”,
“JUST SIT”’
“It is do ‘able”
“You begged for that heel”
“IT HURTS TO BE BEAUTIFUL”,
“Is it important”?
“YES…….IT’S A MUST!”
“That’ how people look at us”
“Baby don’t cry….we’re gonna have cake”
“Remember your napkin, today you are eight”!
© B L Costello 2017

"Cried so hard, that my face was wet,
in "Five Years",
I still won't  forget,
I just thank God you fell to earth,
An alien...you were the first,
"Aladinsane",
You went so far,
Conquering demons,
and "The Spiders from Mars",
My "Thin White Duke",
You helped me believe,"We begin and end..in eternity ".

Found in the dark,
You were not alone,
Somebody killed you
In your home
You were only six,
You will never be seven,
But everyone is pretty in heaven
Beauty queen,
You won the crowns,
It did not help when they held you down,
I think of you,
It makes me crazy
23 years,
You’re still a baby,
But, somebody knows what happened to you,
Because...somebody did it
The world may never know….
Because...somebody hid it
RIP JonBenét  August 6, 1990 – December 25, 1996
©B L Costello 2019

I thought that he would be my last,
My promise,
I was sure,
Now…I may be his last,
If there is no cure,
Every second I want with him,
But I cannot decide,
Every moment away from him,
Tears me apart inside,
My needs do conflict,
There really is no win,
He has the tumor,
But I am sick for him
© B L Costello 2016

Please,
Believe me,
I am not needy,
I want to be brave,
Can somebody free me?
I just get scared
My shields are old,
My reason is weak,
I’ve done what I’m told,
A weary soldier,
My mother is dead,
My friends are gone,
Just me and my head!
It makes me crazy,
So many choices,
I just don’t really trust those voices
©B L Costello 2019

HIS SHIRT SAID………..
“*******, I’m from Detroit”,
Almost like it was his choice,
Angry,
As if it was to warn,
Who gave a **** where he was born?
The thing that left me so amazed,
He did not have the ***** to say……
Freedom of speech,
What is it worth?
Probably more than his stupid shirt
©B L Costello 2016

No cure,
No treatment
No change,
No effect,
No signs of life,
No answer…..
YET
©B L Costello 2016

I dusted off your picture,
A task I had denied,
But it became embarrassing,
I could no longer hide,
I held it much too long,
My hand caressed the frame,
So long since I had held you,
Nothing is the same,
I stared for much too long,
Such common sense I lack,
Into your eyes I lingered,
Though you cannot look back,
Fighting back the tears,
I returned it to the stand,
Seeking more diversion,
I went to wash my hands,
And now,
I do not touch it,
Its cleanliness,
I’ll trust,
I really need to vacuum,
How I hate to dust
©B L Costello 2016

A pandemic waning,
Laws are changing,
The world maybe going to war,
And I forgot my lunch today,
Could I miss my mother more?
I guess I should just, “**** it up",
And me without a straw,
No wonder I am so confused,
I am in a state of awe,
Childless and feeling old,
Soon...we’ll all be gone,
I don’t want to die!
Have I done something wrong?
I made it into work today,
That’s just what I do,
I am feeling very sensitive,
I wish I was with you,
But I will carry on
I will not succumb to defeat,
I think I am gonna make it,
I wish I had something to eat!
BLC©2022

Social distance,
Staying inside,
I don’t have a fever,
I am drunk and I am high,
God, help us!
Forgive my addiction,
But life feels like science fiction,
I don’t really know how much I can stand,
Between naps....I play Rocket Man,
The numbers increase,
We're losing the pace,
I am never going to touch my face

©B L Costello 2020

I cannot make you feel better,
No matter how I try,
You take your own medicine and keep yourself alive,
I cannot make you feel good,
Now, you feel used
I really thought you wanted me,
But I cannot assume,
No...I cannot know everything,
I know I hate to question,
I know that you lack patience,
Your prone to such aggresion,
I cannot stop worrying,
You hate the way I fret,
I hate the names you call me,
That I cannot forget,
No,
I cannot do anything ,
You made that plain to see,
I know I cannot win,
You're much stronger than me

I thought it was right,
But I was so confounded,
You see…I did not KNOW,
That was just how it sounded,
How sweet the music is,
Sometimes, it ends too soon,
“Ignorance is bliss”
And, usually out of tune,
Life is not perfect,
We all survive by chance,
And sometimes we look stupid when we try to dance!
BLC©2022

When you hold your head in disgust,
I wonder...are you thinking of us?
I worry,
I do that...All the time!
I just wish I could change your mind,
I wish I was thinner,
I wish I was brave,
I wish you could tell me I am okay,
But....you won't,
So...Maybe...I am not,
I'm sorry,
I interrupt a lot,
It seems the only things we discuss,
Are disagreements between us,
Regardless of motive or my intent,
It ends up as an argument,
You're always mad,
I am always trying,
It used to easy,
But now,
I am dying.
© BL Costello 2022

Child of god,
Hypnotic to me
She smiles saying the rosary
She sings for god,
But she’ll sing for you,
Innocent,
God knows……
What she has been through,
She is very impulsive,
Maybe disturbed,
Out in all weather,
Preaching his word,
I pass her corner,
But I know it’s a test,
Each time she says….”thank you”,
She tells me I am….. ”blessed”,
And I am so busy,
With nothing to say,
No song,
No smile,
I fail everyday day
©B L Costello 2017

You think that I am silly,
Just lyrics and some rhyme,
Your comment is judgmental,
Not constructive,
Not kind.
Still,
I choose to write,
A poet……
I am resigned,
A lover……
Not a fighter,
Someday……
I’ll change your mind
©B L Costello 2016

Sure you can “take it”,
I’m not to blame,
You stick that needle in your own vein.
People’s opinions mean nothing to you,
Yeah,
You can “handle it,
But that’s not what you do…..
Instead you blame others
You argue,
You’re “free”,
You only exist thru chemistry,
So now,
You can “take it”,
“Life is so beautiful”,
It is also brief,
I’ll cry at your funeral
©B L Costello 2016

Social distance,
Stay in the house!
All that changes,
The shape of my couch,
I ate all  my snacks,
They went too quick,
Tonight, I'll binge more netflix,
I don't dare complain,
Thank God....I am fine,
God bless Cuomo and our frontline.

I love to make the colors match
I navigate the lines,
Oh, that satisfying crunch!
It really is “DIVINE”!
I sure could use a booster,
There’s whistle in the distance,
I just turn down the sound,
It can be quite insistent,
Oh, but I forgive,
With my gentle index touch,
I will complete my level,
I love to candy crush!
©B L Costello 2017

I gave you my heart,
Now, I’m empty inside,
A shell of myself,
I can’t even cry,
It can’t be returned,
My loss is your gain,
All you gave me is phantom pain
©B L Costello 2019

Remarkable,
How time passes,
Soon we all return to ashes,
Friends,
Parents,
A couple of pets....
I will live and learn to accept,
I light another cigarette,
Smiling because I still have hope,
That tear in my eye is from the smoke,
I just wish I could get some rest,
But I'm worried about the pain in my chest.
BLCostello©2022

I don’t like climbing ladders,
Perhaps I am afraid of heights
I have sat in very high places,
It never really seemed right,
I guess I feel much safer,
Keeping my feet on the ground,
I have no fear of falling,
I hate looking down,
When you’re in high places,
It seems that’s all that you do
From a distance,
Everything looks small from an aerial view
I do not believe that distance gains me any respect,
How could I be respected by such tiny specks!
©B L Costello 2019

Please don’t wake the giant,
She really needs to sleep,
She could disturb the elephant of whom no one will speak,
I know we can get thru this,
We must not give up hope,
We cannot get our feet wet,
Please don’t rock the boat,
Because,
Giants are not real
Facts cannot be denied,
If I keep them covered,
My feet will be dry!
If I keep my mouth shut,
They can never tell,
Let’s not talk about it,
Shhhh…
What is that smell?
©B L Costello 2019

Jimmy don’t care,
He gets what he needs,
He sleeps on beach,
Makes art out of reeds,
His favorite quotes he paints on driftwood,
Like “mean people ****”, and “life is good”
They are not for sale!
But he takes donations,
“The man can’t tax appreciation”
Jimmy’s got plans,
He will make it, you bet.
He ***** at Starbucks
And gets free internet
Life dealt him lemons,
But he don’t complain
Sometimes he ******* when it rains
“I’m getting on my feet”
He says sitting there,
It’s a sunny day and Jimmy don’t care
©B L Costello 2014

She is 82,
Mark the date
No family left to celebrate,
Just a son who seldom calls
"2 years he hasn't remembered at all"
"It doesn't matter, his job is hard",
Sometime this month she'll get a card,
signed with love and sealed with a kiss
It reminds her she's old,
and of the day he missed

I swallowed my pride with such induction,
I feared a bleed,
Or spontaneous combustion,
So intense…..
I could not speak,
I raised my cheeks……
While clinching my teeth,
Shaking my head,
Composed…but riled,
How pleased he looked,
He thought I had smiled,
How wrong he was,
Someone spoke…….
……too soon,
My remains splattered all over the room
©B L COSTELLO 2017

Unfamiliar
This sickening path,
No fork in the distance,
I hear someone laugh,
In the darkness,
I have to cast my own light,
In his weakened state…..
I watch him fight,
I hate it here,
Nothing is the same,
The only constant is his pain,
And so he fights,
He bravely stands,
Against these demons,
I hold his hand,
Plans are for fools,
There is no way of knowing,
When you’re going thru hell….
You have to keep going.
©B L Costello 2016

I gave her all she needed to live,
Catholic school,
Then college,
My little princess!
I covered all bases,
Cheer leading,
Dance,
Glasses and braces,
For her,
There was no in-between,
17 a beauty queen,
She turned 18 and wanted a car,
But I was afraid to go that far,
“Wait till your 20”
I put down my foot,
Teary eyed, my child was shook,
Now I wish I had never denied her,
She ran away with an Uber Driver
©B L Costello 2020

Last night in bed you held my hand,
You caressed my fingertips,
I felt so very happy,
I thought that we might kiss,
But I was only dreaming,
This bed is an abyss,
I woke up untouched,
My hand in a fist,
And you beside me
Never knew,
Eyes closed,
Perhaps just dreaming,
That smile on your face
Is there any meaning?
I fear someday you’ll tell me,
Is it just a mask?
Watching you turn over,
I am just tired too to ask.
©B L Costello 2019
.

Surprised,
Grateful,
And always amazed,
She praises Christ for another day,
Another day,
She prays for more……
Happy to see him stand at the door,
Smiling…..
Through tears that still have not dried,
Remembering all the times he died
Fearful still,
She still has trust,
The women that lives with Lazarus
© B L Costello 2016

A change was coming,
We could not wait,
More “SONGS OF LOVE AND HATE”
My friend,
So real,
You were no phony.
“NEW SKIN FOR THE OLD CEREMONY”,
Forever?  
Well, I could have been wrong,
"THE FUTURE" does not last too long,
Too quickly the present becomes the past,
No…the future does not last,
How brave you were,
You were no martyr,
You asked us...”DO YOU WANT IT DARKER?”
and we did!  
We loved to listen,
Bent in “VARIOUS POSITIONS”,
Your gone,
I have forgiven that,
Still I am bothered by the crack
The one that is left
No damage done,
Imperfect as they come
Its darker now……
Where have you been?
Remind me how the light gets in
© B L Costello 2017

“20 minutes of life!”
A prize!
That’s what they say,
However,
When it expires,
They will not let me play!
Sure,
It makes me nervous,
I guess I’ll be alright,
I see a list of “friends”,
Who I can “ask for life”!
The Candy Kingdom Rules!
Just when I think I am finished,
A star pops up and says……
“A friend gave you 20 minutes”
B L Costello © 2019

Being alone I must accept,
You are gone,
So here I am left,
10 years,
I still ask why,
Still,
I ponder suicide,
But if Catholic doctrine is true,
that will not bring me closer to you,
I had my angel,
for what it was worth,
you gave me heaven here on earth,
I would love to see you
to touch and to smell,
But plans like that,
Take you to hell,
It hurts,
Someday,
It may **** me yet,
You were as close as I will get
©B L Costello 2020

Nic the knife,
Mac's little brother,
His daddy is Jack,
Lizzy's his mother,
A born killer,
He'll tear you apart,
Handsome too,
But not as sharp

Pills and appointments all of the time,
You get so nasty,
I try to be kind,
I try,
And still,
I do fail,
There is no cure,
No holy grail,
The treatments,
“May prolong your life”
We go every day,
But is it right?
To suffer in spite of what is to be,
You do it to stay here with me,
We go every day,
I feel sadistic,
Your dedication is masochistic,
We can’t give up,
What else can we do?
I try and still….
I am loosing you
©B L Costello 2019

It was real,
Not fantastic,
I got no flowers,
He was not romantic,
Its better before you know what you want,
So much easier is the response,
But expectations create such work,
Some die and some get hurt,
It must to be real
You cannot pretend,
There is no fairy tale end…….
Just a thin line,
Slave or master?
What is “happily ever after”?
©B L Costello 2018

Smile, mommy!
Her child asked,
She said,
"I am",
And then they laughed

I guess I knew it would be this way,
I’d be alone and miss you every day,
But I could not imagine,
How long you’d be gone,
Forever seems to go on and on,
I guess...
I thought…
Somehow…”I’d get over”
I am not a child,
I am much older,
Still...
I miss resting my head on your shoulder,
The arms that held me,
When life was colder,
I thought I’d live with it,
I know…..”let it be”.
But I believe grief is killing me
BLCostello©2024

He wore baggy pants,
I thought he walked funny,
That stupid grin!
I should have seen it coming,
But…I was distracted,
By so many things,
After all,
There were 3 rings,
I loved the applause,
The spotlights glow,
I became part of the show,
I felt like a star,
Then so worthless,
This was not the theater,
It was the circus,
***** tents,
So flammable!
I was abused as much as the animals,
That tiny car,
Touring around,
I did like the shoes,
but I left that clown
©B L Costello 2019

My muse does tickle,
I cannot deny,
but she does not stop…until I cry,
so I try to be happy,
I want to be free,
but then I miss her,
touching me,
With  a tear in my eye,
I reach for my pen,
begging for her to touch me again

BLCostello©2021

Yesterday,
I Googled your name,
I searched under “image”,
Nothing came….
I dialed your phone,
It made me nervous,
A strange voice said it was “out of service”,
Your room is empty,
So is your chair,
I just can’t find you anywhere,
I looked in the mirror,
What else could I do?
Something familiar,
I look like you,
Sometimes your children are all that is left,
If I stare to long,
I get upset,
It’s only me,
10 years you’re gone,
Oh how I miss you, mom
©B L Costello 2017

My father knew you.
I am glad that he did
I had everything when I was a kid,
My mother begrudged you,
She gave you, your due,
But I was always…afraid of you,
The worry,
The wonder,
How long would you last?
Always counting,
Hating the math,
Getting,
Taking,
I tried to be brave,
I worked to earn you,
Now…I am a slave,
Covet or loathe,
You are necessary
Broke or rich,
You are still scary!
BLCostello©2022

The Doctors were wrong,
They gave her a year,
Four months.....
She is gone.....
As the holidays near,
But the chemo was hard,
She was no longer able,
How dreadful the empty spot at the table

“We don’t want em!”
That’s what he said,
He’d rather grab what’s between her legs,
He has no idea what she is worth,
To him,
She’s just another skirt,
But she is beacon that shines in the night,
You can’t fold her arms or dim her light,
She welcomes all without a sound,
Silent lips and heavy crown,
Colossus over land and sea
She bids them all,
“Come to me”
It’s sad,
He has no idea……
Has he?
I think he’d even call her “Nasty”
©B L Costello 2017

“With silent lips, “Give me your tired, you’re poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
(Emma Lazarus "THE NEW COLOSSUS")

My problems are larger,
And so is the print,
I listen more closely,
Sometimes,
I squint,
I am much more tired at the end of the day,
Sometimes I forget……
What did you say?
I try not worry,
But I do now and then,
Starting to wonder…..
How does this end?
©B L Costello 2017

She is only 3ft 4,
I could not adore her more,
That smiling face is always talking,
She is a little miracle walking,
Hide and seek,
She loves to play nurse,
Then...her treatment,
First things first,
So many challenges,
Each day is a test,
and when she is with us,
We are blessed

The curve of her frame,
The length of her neck,
I could do nothing except,
Accept,

Not an affair
Not a mission,
I commit,
A new RELIGION,

A different love,
One that lingers
My blistered,
Numb,
****** fingers

That tortured buzz.
Makes me a wreck,
But I negotiate her frets

The hour is brief,
It ends too soon,
I’m still awake,
She still in tune,

I shake my hands
The numbness is gone,
Change the bandage,
We play on
©B L Costello 2017

So, dark it was I could not see,
A vast and starless galaxy,
Like a child,
I felt to see,
My hands reaching in front of me,
Steps so careful
Mouth agape,
I pause between,
Then I wait,
Once again,
I test the ground,
Accepting,
There is still no sound,
The only thing assuring me,
is the pull of gravity,
Oh, God!
If I should start to float,
I am sure that I would give up hope
Without that pull,
How could I resist?
How else would I know if I exist?
©B L Costello 2017