i.

i used to only write sad poems.

ii.

you see,
i am a cynic,
a cemetery,
a holocaust,
a chaotic, distant, lost girl
buried in her own
self-destruction.

but with you
i am different.

i want to wake up,
keep my promises,
make up for lost time,
spill blood and ink,
try again,
live

for you.

iii.

you walk me home
and the skies blush
pink cloud summers
mid-December.

we part and i marvel
at the sepia tint
of backyard roses
blurring my lenses.

you came in
like the missing palette color
i never knew
i needed
my skies painted with.

iv.

now, you are all the love poems
i didn't know i could write.

and every metaphor i create
is just a lengthier version of
'i love you'

i really do.

Look
I know this may sound selfish
or childish
irealistic
but I just
Can't
I need you to agree with me right now
to just say yes
say okay
let me do as I wish
Let me put off--
whatever I’m putting off
Please
For a little bit longer

I don’t really know how to explain
Standing in this silent/not silent house
The sounds are almost distant
Like they’re far away
And I feel like there’s just too much going on
Like,
I can’t manage to start anything
cause there’s too much to start

So,
I know it’s hard to
conceive
To understand this request
As more of a mental health need,
But if you could just--
Go along with it
If you could just--
Agree
That would help a lot

So if you wouldn’t mind
Just forgetting whatever you’re asking of me,
just for 20 minutes
Please
and thank you.

If you take me
if you're so destined to tear into my flesh
to consume what innocence I have left--
take me with an iron fist
take everything I have
everything you want and more
with blunt force
leave me shredded,
shattered
leave me bruised
with permanent scars
beat me until I'm ******
until I'm black and blue
until my bones are crippled
and my skin is sore to the touch
And everyone can see  your marks
all over my body
until you have ripped my insides out like a trophy
until you have destroyed every bit of beauty my body once held--
do this all,
I beg you
so I can show the world what kind of monster you are
take me--  take all of me,
I'm asking for it
I'm asking you, to prove yourself, guilty.

Cut my arms
Please
rip into my flesh
like sharks to meet
turn my skin and muscles into shreds
let them dangle from bone
Like scraps for the dogs
tear me apart
leaving scars
wherever you go

because when I come back
when my skin grows again
and my muscles regenerate
I will be stronger
and I will have scars
over my entirety
to prove where I've been

I love you
I mean, I love the thought of you
The idea of you
The look of you
You

I'm not, in love with you
Not for now
Not yet,
But I want to mumble it under my breath
It just wants to slip through my lips
To fly out
Because,
You mesmerize me
And give me butterflies
And I love you
I really do.