Ah DND, the wondrous world of fiction
While that may be nice for you
My favorite DND is do not disturb
That way when I don't get a response, it doesn't hurt as much

I haven't published in so long
I haven't texted in so long
I haven't been
I haven't done

Do not disturb
Mute everything
No one responds anyhow
Or reaches out

Well, of course when they need something
I was about to send you a song
And while I may not have self worth
I know you WONT be worth my time, or anyone else's

So I wrote this instead
And Alyssa if you're reading this

*******.

You aren't reading this
You aren't doing anything you want to
Other than make me hate you
So it " hurts less "

What a mess
With no one to clean it up

Who in the hell is moving our game pieces
We need someone new

I need someone that isn't you.

P.S. This wasn't right

I still remember looking out the window
And putting my hand up to the glass
Wanting nothing more than to go outside

For the first time in a long time
I wanted to escape
I felt like i could leave the bad places
And finally be free

But we had class
And it was time to go

I've never felt more understood
Then when you came up to the glass
And you wanted to go outside too

People were looking at us
Looking at us like we were crazy
And when i looked to you
You smiled

That smile told me that we would be okay
We could be free one day
And I'll never forget it

The next day you told me we could go home
And our friends laughed
You had that glimmer in your eyes
That glimmer told me you understood

You understood that I was longing for a home
I was lost and alone
And you showed me that it was okay
That i would find my way and i wasn't alone

You've always understood me
And I suppose thats why i fell

Everytime I see that smile
The one that shows me the whole world
That smile that tells me i'll be okay
I fall even harder

Rain has always thrilled me
But I never thought
Rain would help me realize
It wasn't that i liked you

I loved you
And i always will

I fell harder than the rain did that day

// 11:31 pm

It is 11:56 pm
The time i think of her
And how she deserves better
Thats why i havent told her

I would do anything for her
And i feel like not telling her
Is one of the things i can do for her

Even if she felt the same
It would be risky
No one could know
But thats okay

I just want to be honest
I want to make her life just as good
As she has made mine

It is 11:59 pm
I must go to sleep
For it is almost a new day

I only think of her at night
When i can be alone with my thoughts

It is 12:00 am
  
Goodnight , and i promise to be honest one day

Wishes and calls from friends
Not my brother
Of course he can't call
He's learned from his mother

He was taught wrong
Though could've done better
Could've wrote his own songs
Can't write me a letter

My friends write me letters
They think that I matter
Even got me a sweater
Hoping I will get better

The ones that show up
They're the ones that still care
We all raise our cups
Wave them high in the air

It's getting real late
And it's time to leave now
It must've been fate
Not exactly sure how

Glitter may fall
And people may fight
Memories of it all
Escape to the night

Balloons in the backyard
Like memories we shared

We filled them all up
Now they're dancing through air

Colors were popped
And pieces were scattered
Bad thoughts seemed to stop
I believed that I mattered

Balloons in the backyard
Like memories we shared

My heart is filled up
I am walking on air

Colors were blended
And so was my head
Eventually it ended
We must go to bed

Balloons in the backyard
Like memories we shared

Suddenly look up , and you're still there

Brain is now syrup, I don't mean to stare

You look so lovely, you float with the air

I feel so lucky , I'm glad I was there

Balloons in the backyard
Memories we shared

Hearts all filled up
Eyes that may stare

Colors can wander
All through the night

Still found no lover

We travel in flight

July 11

There are pieces
Broken pieces scattered in the sand
Overlooked
Unnoticed

No one really likes them
No one seems to care
No one picks them up
Unless they are whole

Perfect
Unscratched

She is broken
Her heart's in pieces
Scattered across the world

Overseen
Underwhelming

No one really sees her
No one seems to care
One picks her up
But she can't ask her to do that any longer

I am imperfect
I am scratched
I am broken
I am in love

I wish for you

The year was quite normal
Nothing to special
A few old friends were found again
Like dried flowers
Beauty preserved overtime

But then I met her
This beautiful and amazing soul
She was so special
It sounds cheesy but when I saw the sun shine on her face

I felt lost

I didn't understand why such an amazing human was speaking to me

Her voice is like music
Her smile is contagious
Her stories are amazing
She has so much to offer this world

This world that is full of hatred and anger
It doesn't deserve her
We don't deserve her
I don't deserve her

And yet
She still decides to talk to me
She shares her voice
She shows her smile
She tells her stories

She shows me how to live
How to truly be yourself in this world

I share everything with her
Everything but those few words
I could never tell her
I wouldn't know how

How do I tell her how much she means to me?
How much she inspires others ?
How do you tell someone you love them?
You show it

And **** am I trying
But sometimes trying isn't enough
I'll tell her eventually
I'm just not quite ready yet

- Ive always loved you

I've always been in chairs
The same boring chairs
Yellow and green
Tattered and torn

And then came you

Then came the balloons
The colorful things that made me float
The ones that made my life less yellow and green
Now, it was rainbow

The ones that made my life less tattered and torn
Now, I was being stitched back together again

It's composed
In a tiny little block
Add water
And it can't control itself

She's composed
Everything is fine
Until someone adds water
And she can't control herself

Her water is her name
Her water is her past
Her water is the constant reminder
That she didn't tell

Her water is not being able to love you right
Yet
If anything could bring her back together

It's you.

She was right there. She was right in front of me. But it didnt matter at this point. Whether she was next to me or not , I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop wishing we were more. I couldn't stop wishing I could be 100 % truthful to her. I couldn't stop thinking about what I said. Or what I didn't. I couldn't stop all of these thoughts rushing in my head. I couldn't stop myself from looking at her for just a bit too long. I just simply could not stop. I wish I wouldn't have stopped myself from telling her the truth. I was going to do it. I was gonna tell her everything. All of it. But that's not fair to her. Maybe she shouldn't know. Maybe its best to just dream. Dream until it becomes true. But you have to work for things you love. And **** did I love her. Dreams don't just come true you know. You have to work for it. I hope one day ill tell her everything. I hope one day I don't stop myself. But im gonna have to work for it. Dreams don't always come true after all.