to the person whom even in his absence, voice still echoes through my ears:

"no, we couldn't"

as a reply to everytime i sing:

"we could have it all"

happy birthday

i hope u'll get a cake

I remember the days from 2 years ago,
when the only thing I wanted to do was cry.
And when I was finally done crying,
I did the most cliché and expected thing,
; cutting my hair short.

The thought to cut my hair never occurred to me again.
Because I want to keep the length of my hair as a reminder,
of the days I spent without you.
Because cutting my hair again would be a betrayal,
would be tricking my mind into thinking,
"this is the end of my episodes..."

I know it isn't the end.

To say I've erased every single evidence of you,
is a big fat lie.

My Instagram's archive would remind me,
every year without fail,
how you became part of my life that night.
A memory I could never delete.

Does yours remind you of me too?

Because,
I'm clinging onto the very last evidence,
that you once,
happened.

you and me,
are in an unfinished story,
that kind which the ending is made cliff-hanging,
but there's usually a sequel coming.

but you and me,
won't make it into the next book,
even after a year of writing.

because you and me,
parted ways for good.

but I am still living in one of those chapters,
Should have make my character dead.

I just want peace.

I just want to listen to songs,
And not feel the ache in my heart.

I just want to walk in public,
And not flinch,
Every time I think I heard your voice.

I just want peace.
Can you please, let me have it?

The happiness was brief,
The sadness stayed long.
I thought we had all the time in the world,
Well I thought wrong.

I try so hard,
To keep myself busy & occupied,
So you will be the last thing to think about.

I try so hard,
To have as much fun as possible during the day.
So you will be the last thing to think about.

I try so hard,
To not think of you,
But you are everywhere.
Everything reminds me of you.

When I see my planner,
I remember I meant to ask you when is your birthday.
When I see my books,
I remember I meant to ask you what is your most precious possession.
When I see my pink purse,
I remember I was meant to ask you what is your favorite color.

You had no idea,
Just how much I hold onto your words.
You made me believe,
That we have all the time in the world.

None of us try to fix this.
Getting back what we once had,
No matter how much I want it.
Because we both know that,
We’re not something worth saving.

Everything and everyone that comes after you are easier,
because nothing is harder than you.

Nothing is harder than leaving you.
Nothing is harder than not replying to you.
Nothing is harder than pretending you don’t mean anything to me.
Nothing is harder than forgetting you.
Nothing is harder than seeing you loving someone and that someone isn’t me.
Nothing is harder than writing to you knowing you would never be able to read it.

Is it all the thing I said,
Or the ones left unsaid,
That makes me feel so regretful.

I want to stop dwelling over this,
And be happy again.
But I stop knowing what happiness is,
After losing you.

It is painful,
Every time I try to reach out to someone,
The first person that comes into my mind,
Is you.

I don't have your phone number saved,
In my phone.
But I have it engraved,
Permanently in my brain.

I just don't know how to end this.

you’ve been sitting on the praying mat for an hour,
with tears falling from your eyes,
your face it wet,
realisation hits you hard.

you are selfish.
you make selfish wish.
you think what you prayed for is what best for everyone.

well you thought wrong.

you finally make one final wish,
for Him to put everything to its place,
let him decide what’s best for you,
and everyone you love.

there are many ways to spell it out
or say it out loud
I craved for it
it was a long time until I was sure—
almost sure I could never own it

I stopped dreaming

then I saw others having something I couldn’t even dream to have

that drove a rush in me
I couldn’t explain
was it jealousy?
or a plain hatred?

today, I’m sure I still want it
I’ll keep dreaming
because a girl like me can only dream

It’ll take something greater than love to break the wall between us. We won’t work.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself. That was why I didn’t want to stay even a moment longer. Because I know and you also know better than anyone else that we, won’t work.

Even so, I still have a lot of regrets in me. I wish I could’ve bid you goodbye properly. I wish we still can look at each other and say hi everytime we happened to meet. I wish you know my heart still aches everytime someone mentions your name. No one knows what we had gone through was more than a mere break up. I lose my best friend, once was my everything.

I look forward his good morning wishes and good night text every single day. I know he would be there for me everytime I need a person to talk to. I know no matter how many girls that come between us, he will always find his way back to me.

But

As time passed, I started to lose faith. I no longer think I can have you back. If you love me, you would’ve love me since long time ago. I know you never did, even when we were together, I know it was one sided. But I loved you so much to admit it.

Today,
I bid you goodbye.

I wish to see you again when we are slightly older and wiser,
I wish you’ll recognize me from the other side from the road,
I wish to say hi once again,
I wish we can sit and eat ice cream of your favourite strawberry flavour.

I wish we can fall in love,
So that finally, you & I will have a mutual feeling for each other.

But for today,
I bid you goodbye.

your smile
your laugh
your voice
i remember it all

i can recognize you
even from the back
even from the side

i want to have you all for me
yet i know i can’t
i rather not own you at all

It is a mixture of everything, or maybe just almost everything.

Happiness and sadness, ease and pain, excitement and confusion.

Vague but at the same time lucid.
Something I cannot express with words but I know I’m scared,

Because I recognize this feeling from a year ago which I ended up— broken just by trying to embrace it.

I know exactly I’m gonna lose this time too.

I see her
In almost every girl I meet
Makes me wonder
What has made her
So soft and sweet
A treat for the eyes

And what has made you
Like her so much
That you can’t see
I like you, just as much.

A plain Jane.
Searching for a spot in your world, full of pretty things.
Will you accept this Jane?
Or will you turn her down?