This time I will not apologize
or come crawling back to you
searching for acceptance
because the only thing I should be sorry for
is letting you treat me this way.

I was never good at coping with severe pain
I only magnified the existence of it
My heart pounded into my chest like a plane crashing into a building
You will never get used to someone not loving you
Of course, we say it will get better and that you will feel renewed, refreshed once you finally move on, they promise that it will be okay
But how am I supposed to trust these people that never knew you
I've tried to let go, to throw away the things at the bottom of the box
To burn and let the ashes dance in the wind off to some better place
But each and every time I spark the lighter, I end up burning myself
Instead

Early morning coffee on the front balcony
Where the smoke dances with the fog
You never liked to get up this early
But something was different about today
The ideas lingered in the air
And you watched and waited for one useful
So you could grab hold of it and put it in a poem
See the words stack on top of one another
Like bricks of a castle you once dreamed about
Fragile but holding such strong will to shield its princess from harm
There was something about this Saturday morning
Something that set it apart from the rest
Maybe it was the smell of rain on the pavement
Or the dewdrops on your balcony railing
Maybe it was the way you simply couldn’t get comfortable in bed
Maybe it was because last night
You slept in it, alone

The way the world sees a woman today
Is quiet strange to me
It is survival of the prettiest in the hallways
Death of them on the streets
Playing the first game we learned how to
Twirling our hair to the boy with the cigarette in his mouth
Because the bad ones were always more alluring
Wearing a short skirt in the city is like driving without a seatbelt
Girls are taught to survive by using our bodies as weapons
We convince boys to love us the only way we know how
Because what good are words when he can't see your mouth
We know the answers but do not raise our hands
Let someone else take the victory
Male kindness is so alien to us we assume it as a cat call every time
And after you have given your body away to countless boys,
each one taking a piece of you
That is when you will realize how badly you needed them to see the whole picture clearly
You will greet the mirror like a criminal in a line up
Do not think that this is your fault
Do not think that this is his
Strip your clothes, get into your shower and wash off his scent
Let it linger for only a moment but not for too long
Wipe your face, comb your hair and let all of the crippled reasons bleed out on why you should give yourself up again
Remind yourself of your value
And get dressed

He was so quiet and I could tell he was nervous
I kept walking and I could feel the sweat gathering on his hand
I clench it tighter
The scene, however, was breathtaking
A long wooden bridge with white paint peeling and wrinkling of old age, intimately lit with candles dancing in a light breeze
The sun was falling in the west
And so was I, more and more each day for this man
It amazing what he does to me
The water beneath us, singing as it rippled within itself
I listened to the hum of each footstep of ours, almost in sync
I turn to him,
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet."
"I'm fine, just a little anxious, that’s all."
We are coming to the end of the bridge and I see a table
Draped in a thin, dark blue table cloth with two lawn chairs
There's orchids in the center, my favorite flower
What I love about orchids are the petals themselves are so exquisite but their stems have to be held up by little clips, they are beautiful but they cannot stand on their own, like a lot of other beautiful things
I look back up at him as he slips his hand out of mind, wipes it on his pants and pulls out my chair smiling like a child on Christmas morning
I look at him in that moment as a strand of hair falls over his forehead
I can see the color and shape of my perfect life
The house, the children, the arguments over the curtains are all fading away with that one smile of his

I was so nervous, I literally cannot bring myself to talking
I mean, the things I would usually jump to have already been discussed
The weather, how her day was, how beautiful she looks
Well, I wouldn’t mind telling her that again
The bridge creaks with each footstep of ours as if it is imploring for our bodies to sink into the water beneath it
The trees were swaying just enough for the leaves to rustle with each other but lightly enough for me to still hear the sound of her breathing
The sun was falling in the west, I gazed at it
An alluring sunset burning up the atmosphere
Speaking of burning, my hands are sweating so much
I would tell her how sorry I was but I think she already knows
The sound of her voice startles me a little but I play it off... I think
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet"
****, I am being really quiet
"I'm fine just anxious, that’s all"
We are coming to the end of the bridge and everything is just how I hoped it would be, the table from my dad's shop, the dark blue table cloth from Sears, the orchids in the center, her favorite flower
I slip my hand out of hers which was a lot harder than I expected it to be, I just don’t want to stop touching her
I wipe them on my pants nonchalantly and pull out her chair
Honestly, I've stopped trying to not smile
I can't help myself, it's amazing what she does to me
I kept looking at her and wondering how lucky I could be to have found someone who reminds me of sunlight even on the rainiest of days
I swear in a world of black and white, she would still have color

We arrive at a beautiful bridge,
lit with candles and dressed in flower pedals
It doesn’t look like a very far walk and I wouldn’t mind if it was
Every second with him is one I cherish
I turn to him as he puts the truck in park and unbuckles
He's smiling out of control, I wish I knew what he was thinking
He wipes his hands on his pants and steps out
"Looks like we've finally made it you grump," he says to be playfully and still smiling
"Well it's about time," I say as I unbuckle and reach for the door handle without thinking
He looks at me with a stern look and says, "What are you doing? In all the years we've been together have you ever opened your own door?" God, has he always been this fascinating
I feel like I'm walking through my life with this immaculate creature
I mean how could he even still want me after 4 years?
He shuts his door and I can see him smiling as he walks around the front and to my door, swift movements as he runs his fingers through his hair, I swear I could watch him walk in circles around this old truck
He reaches for the door handle and holds out his hand to help me out
This is basically a routine thing that we've done since the beginning but every time is just as sweet as the first
He reaches in the back and grabs something
"Look away!" He demands, so I do
He has a picnic basket and has tucked something into his pocket
I think nothing of it and we head towards the night
The moon illuminating the walk way and the autumn leaves crackling beneath our feet as time begins to slow

We finally arrive, thank God the candles haven't gone out yet
This **** bridge was so risky but it's where we met
She probably doesn’t remember, but I do
It's not a very far walk to the end, though I wish it was
Walking with her is like walking with all the light in the world
I cherish every second, she makes me feel like life is worth living
I see her turn to me and I'm so nervous but somehow manage,
"Looks like we've finally made it you grump"
I can't stop smiling, but neither can she
That's a good sign right?
"Well it's about time," she says as she reaches for the door handle
"What are you doing? In all the years that we've been together have you ever opened your own door?"
God, I don’t think she's every looked so beautiful
She looks down, giggling as she places her hands in her lap
There's something about the way she laughs, it's so playful and light, it's like a song that gets stuck in my head
I don’t know how she still wants me
I swear walking around the front of this truck is the longest walk ever
I run my fingers through my hair just to tease her
I open the door and reach for her hand, I hope she doesn’t feel the sweat layering them, I don't think I can bear to tell her why
I reach into the back of the truck and shout
"Look away!" and thank God she actually does
I shove the box into my pocket and grip the picnic basket
I hope she doesn’t have any ideas, not yet at least
We head towards the night
The stars in the sky lit the way, they looked almost like a map
The leaves crackling beneath us sound like fireworks
The ones she's always loved
We continue walking and I can almost feel time begin to slow

It's been two hours and we are still driving
The radio has repeated the same songs over and over
My seatbelt has grown too tight around my right collar bone
And my mind has fallen into my lap due to my eyes focusing too ******* the scratches in the window rather than what is behind them
I turn to you and ask,
"Are we almost there? I know I've asked you a billion times but I'm so hungry and my foot's asleep."
You look like an angel, draped in a white t-shirt, almost glowing
I cannot get enough of your aura and scent of burnt pine cones
You turn to me and lick you lips
"We're almost there, just be patient."
Your mouth forms a slight smile as you turn your head
And here I am melting in the passenger seat
I have never been so captivated by someone
I could watch him drive for hours and never get sick of it
As I'm looking out the window I see him smile out the corner of my eye as he glances at me
Oh there has never been a sweeter feeling
I can feel my body loosen and I feel as if I could slip right out of this seatbelt
I don’t think he knows what he does to me


It's been two ours and we are still driving
The radio has the repeated the same songs over and over
My seatbelt is cutting into my neck
And my hands are getting tired of holding this steering wheel
I feel as if they are numb and my left foot has drifted asleep
I see her turn to me and ask,
"Are we almost there? I know I've asked you a bullion times but I'm so hungry and my foots asleep."
God, she looks like an angel, her golden brown hair spilled down beside her face, framing it perfectly
She smells of vanilla and spearmint gum, I can't get enough of her
I turn to her and lick my lips
"We're almost there just be patient."
I smile because I just can't help it
The way she makes me feel is like nothing I've ever felt
Her whole being entices me
I could look at her for hours and still find new details that I love
I glace at her and smile, God, she's so beautiful
Oh there has never been a sweeter feeling
I can see her body relaxing as she lays her head back on the seat
I don’t think she knows what she does to me

There is something so intoxicating
About fooling around with someone that you love
Who does not love you back
It sounds ballistic and ludicrous
That you could give your body away so easily
To someone who isn't careful
With how he takes it
There is no genuine gentleness
There is no slow rhythm
Only anticipation and hope that he does not drop you
I am only giving myself away because I love the way your hands hold me
You do not grip or restrain
I am free to leave whenever I want
And so are you
And that is the most freeing, yet heart wrenching thing of all