We were lukewarm hearts and cups of coffee
Breakfast in bed on Sunday morning
Videos of laughter and short-lived occurrences
Late night drives with the radio too loud
Saturday afternoon movies and naps
And a box of letters that ended in
P.S. I love you

I struggle to have a good life and by this I do not mean a happy one, I am happy, I simply mean I want to live a life I can be proud of and lately my mind has been caught in a fishing net with every corner having loose truths and conned dispositions, I dream of a life with nirvana, with such a profound amount overwhelming peace you can hardly stand it.
I have a special skill of feeling a lot when I probably shouldn't and feeling nothing when I should.
I still mix up left from right and often forget where I am going while trying to figure out where to turn next
I still mix up my rights from my wrongs
But I am writing my wrongs and hoping that doing so will help in the process of correcting them, forgiving myself for them
I am a hopeless romantic with the absolute potential to be alone the rest of my life
When love finds me, I am terrified
Staring in the face of commitment is beautiful but a risk I am often not willing to take
It thrills me when people say they do not love me anymore, it burns like a fire in my stomach and I sometimes confuse the likely possibility that other people are not thrilled by this
I think a breeze could feel like a hurricane if it hits you at the right time
I am learning to control myself and taking only what I need from the world
I am still baffled by the fact and also completely terrified at how when I look him in the eyes I never fail to be reminded of you
I will sometimes lay out to watch the stars at night but regretfully I do not even do this for my own enjoyment anymore I do it to think of you, I ask myself if you look at the sky for the same reasons
I have been told I am an open book, running through pages as if a strong breeze was rolling by, emptying all of the things carved into my skin, from by passers, best friends, ex lovers, strangers, blowing each syllable off the page
My mother has always been right and I always knew she was
I am stubborn and have a hard time moving my opinions or motives
I am slowly learning why natural disasters are given human names
I find myself wanting to catch your thoughts like raindrops on my hands and watch them dissolve, your words are a hurricane in themselves
I like flushed red cheeks and cold fingers warned by a fire
I enjoy watching attempted sweet talk however I am never sure how to respond to it
And no I do not drink to forget about other people's mistakes, I drink to forget about my own
I sometimes scream at the mirror, it is one of the safest ways I could think of to take out anger on myself
There is a pen connected to my mind and I often wish the people in books were real
And I love this world with all of my heart and I love life, I want to crawl under every tree, dance on every mountain, swim in waterfalls, drown myself in this world's excellence
Paint my body with it's colors, wash my skin in it's prayers, listen to it's music and let is resonate in my mind until it reigns in my brain when silence is too loud
I like opening doors more than closing them, I open too many and twist my mind into patterns I am alice trying to find her wonderland but there are no maps for the unknown
We have no yet crafted directions in desolate places because no one visits but I do
I need adventure to grow
And I am growing

I will be with you when the downfall of your ceiling fan makes you head spin, I will catch you when you are too dizzy to stand on your own. I will dance with you when your knees can't keep still, I will remind you that everyone has days when their strength fails them. I will hold you hand even when it is sweaty, I will cradle your thoughts in my arms and listen to you when you feel like rambling on about the way clouds are taken by the wind or you wish you could fly. I will help you do the dishes and fold blankets, I will help you make our bed, I will help you when you are in need. I will let you rest when work is getting to heavy, I will play your favorite song on piano. I will be with you when the curtains open and the sunlight twists patterns across your skin. I will make you laugh with my corny jokes, I will wrap you in my arms when you body feels vacant. I will love you with all that I have. Whoever you are, I will wait for you. Whoever you are, I will love you.

Curl his palms around the lower ends of my back
As an acoustic melody fractures these walls while he is sipping lust from my collarbones
Kissing my body like it is the only thing he knows how to do
Running his hands up like he is reaching for sunlight
The resonance of heavy breathing will cause monsoons in Thailand
And maybe it isn't love
But maybe that's okay
And I do still miss you all the time
And I'm trying to find a way out of this
But what if I'm trying to do the right thing but I am perpetually reading the signals wrong?
What about the grey areas?
I am trying to love myself again
But that is hard to do with hands that are not yours
Carving their names into my body
I want to love you but you just won't let me
And this is where I find my escape
This is where I have been finding my love lately

It's hard not to love you
And I know it should be easier now that your gone
But in truth it has only gotten harder
It's like you have knowingly trained me to miss you
And all this hot weather has got me wanting to take a swim in your eyes
Craving the affection I never really received
I imagine that I know what your lips taste like
It's like watching someone eat something you are allergic to
And you have never had it yourself, but you imagine it's wonderful
Loving you was the easiest thing I ever did,
Even when it was hard it was easy
Loving you was like breathing
I am watching you fall in love with her and
I am watching her fall in love with you
And while I am watching you fall in love with each other
All people can do is ask me if I am okay
This world is no place for people with hearts
Not when we give them away so easily
And yet knew this and still loved you
I loved you anyways

Every inch of my skin aches to be close to yours
Itching like an addict
Want to inject my veins with the light illuminating off your shoulders
My body is a blank canvas waiting for the ink in your fingertips to paint over me
Pin up my love with clothes pins
Display me on billboards on the side of the road
Love me like you think it is the only thing you're good at
Kiss me like you are suffocating and I am the only air supply within a one hundred mile radius
Hold me so tight that not even a typhoon could make me flinch
Let this love grow like a garden at the peak of spring
And there will be rainy days but they will only advance us with the sunlight that follows
And we can look up at the stars like we used to
A sky so bright that no even a thousand unsent love letters could block hide the stars from our view
Look at me and smile and I will do the same
Because this love has the potential to live in perfect harmony with the world around us
And still be so different that people could look and not know what to think, just stand in awe
I hope one day I can live in this love
With you

Standing on a sidewalk edge looking out
And though there are cars passing
People are walking, street lights changing
Horns honking, birds flying over head
Telephones are ringing and children are singing along to the radio
The world around me is on a God's schedule
An abundance of things happening and any one of them could distract me yet
I still think of you
It does not matter where I am, it does not matter where I go
Your ominous presence is always there
My mind flutters with thousands of thoughts
Some of them, I admit, are not about you
But they still are are ones I want to tell you about
Your laugh has slipped into every cup of coffee
Your smile has tattooed itself into every night sky
I wonder if I will ever find someone who loved the sky as much as I do
I fear that no one will ever see such beauty in the stars
No one would lie outside with me until 3 am just looking at them
Do you remember being reckless?
How even though you knew you were running late to be home you would mumble sleepily,  "just a few more minutes"
These cars rushing past, in a hurry to get to a job interview, a meeting, a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place,  a home
I wonder if this sidewalk knows that although I am walking slowly, pacing myself in each heel-toe, I wonder if this sidewalk knows
That I am not going to a job interview, or a meeting, or a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place, I am going home
To you

Can you love me when I am but fuel to the fire
Can you love me when I am a hurricane ripping out the flowers you planted for me
When I am 100 mph on a back road, throwing dust into ecstasy
Can you love me when you come home to find me lying on the ground because the gravity of my situation has reached its lowest point
Can you love me when I am vacant and need your attention
Can you show me your attention when you are busy
Can you love me when my mind is racing from one obstacle to the next
Can you remind me that everything will be alright
Can you love me in silence
When words do not fit the circumstance
When I just need to be held in the safeness of your arms
Can you love me still when I am gone
When my feet wander out the door, when they do this reluctantly
When you think I won't ever return
Can you love me in hopes that I will
Can you love me again
Because I'm on my way back home

In the middle of June, we wake up to the light peering through the blinds, it's 10 am
I squint my eyes just enough to map out where you are
I remember I am wearing your white t-shirt and smile
You are already awake, lying there looking at me
"How long have you been up?" I ask
"Just a few minutes, not too long. How'd you sleep?"
"Wonderful, as always with you," I mumble the last part, "Breakfast?"
He smiles and sits up on his elbow, facing me
"I got it, you just make coffee. Deal?"
He gleams with a smile that could give a blind man sight and all I can manage is a nod.
He kisses my forehead and throws the sheets off his body
I sit there, gazing at him, trying not to fall more in love with him than I already am
I check my phone and my mother called, but I decide to call her later and succumb to following the trail of french toast coming from the kitchen
I hear him humming and walk towards the record player
Digging through out box of records, I choose our favorite, Work Song
I look over at him and his skin almost glows at the melody flowing through the walls
"French toast?"
"Problem?"
"None at all," I grin, "How do you want your coffee?"
He gives me a stern look as if I am serious
"I'm joking, two sugars, one and a half creams," I say kissing his cheek
The thing about love is it can be playful and sweet and reckless all at the same time. We have managed a perfect balance between them all. Love wears dark blue pajama pants. Love has burnt caramel hair and candlelight skin. Utmost of all, love makes the best french toast.

I find myself sitting in the confines of my car thinking about everything except where I am going
My destination never means much unless it is somewhere to meet you
The street lights light up this highway but inside this car it has never been darker
I think of you on most days
Most days being all days
I think of riding in the passenger seat with the music too loud
But I would still shout it to be sure you knew just how much I liked the song
I think of how now I open my own door
And I never would have thought touching a door handle would be so bonding
My wrists get heavier each time I reach for it
I think of how when I was tired or scared or worried, I could lay on your shoulder, wrap my arm in yours
I imagine that you drive with your hand on someone else's thigh
And it makes me sick to my stomach
I find myself sitting in the confines of my car at a red light
And the music is too loud, but maybe it's better that way