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  Nov 2017 Autumn Carol Smith
you are quiet,
you choose when to speak,
and you only do when its important.

and its beautiful,
so beautiful,
that my word ***** makes me feel so small looking at you.

maybe you think its beautiful,
that i get so nervous,
just hearing your voice.

seeing the look in your eyes when you smile.

and its platonic,
its platonic because i only see your soul,
i see how beautiful it is ,
and oh my.

oh my,
how i want to see beauty with you,
i want to talk to you.

i have fallen in love with you,

and thats a made up word,
but its what it is.

and oh god,
im sure you have flaws,
but ive never seen so much beauty in someone.

ive never seen a soul,
i saw your soul in your eyes.
  Nov 2016 Autumn Carol Smith
i am tired.
not for a lack of rest --
no, i slept quite well last night
and I've had my coffee.

its something deeper, something
inherently present, in the
fibers of my skin,
in my tendons, in my eyes.

i am exhausted,
fatigued by life
by the noise and the silence,
the people, and
the empty rooms,
the light and the dark;
by hope and

so worn down by the world
that nothing in it can
refresh my mind from the
constant buzzing.

i am tired, and there are not
enough hours in the night
for the type of rest i need.

-U.K. & m.g.
I am what I am. I am a 17 year old girl, but you don’t have to tell me because I know that well enough, thank you. I am a young girl with her whole life ahead of her; no, I am a young girl with her whole life forced upon her. I am what I am.
I am a perfectionist who needs to create a 365-day planner, color coated with sticky notes and highlights – tonight. I am what I am. I am an enthusiast about books that make you cry harder than any movie ever could. I am the salty and buttery fingers that dive into the bowl during a movie. I am the guilty pleasure of indulging in foods and beverages unworthy of my submission. I am who I am. I am a lover of 5 a.m. coffee and sleepy eyes I have yet to see. I am a hopeless romantic who “don’t need no man” but yearns for a man to touch me in ways his hands cannot. I am what I am.
I am the byproduct of an unconditionally loving, but discriminatory and broken family. But you don’t need to know that. You don’t need to know that I am only who I am because of fear of becoming what they are. I am what I am. I am the mistakes I have made and I am the lessons I’ve learned. But listen closely and hear me clearly. I am NOT the gap in-between my teeth. I am not the acne on my face. I am not my 2 a.m. feelings. I am what I am.
I am the violent sobs that fall without permission on the alter. I am what they call a “bible-thumping, Jesus freak” Christian. Do you know anything about that? I am what I am. I am His piercing screams coming from the cross and I am His most dearly beloved. I am what I am. I am loved and I am cherished and I am His. I am blessed and I am forgiven and I am sanctified. I am the daughter of the one true King and He has called me by name. I am what I am.
Have you ever wanted to cry yourself blind,
scream yourself mute, or just stop breathing

Have you ever wanted to run off the edge of the earth, swim to the bottom of the ocean, or just disappear

Have you ever wanted to punch your brain out, cut out your heart, or just stop feeling

Basically you wanted to die?


Wanted. As In past tense?

As In "not anymore"?


You wanted It, but that's not what you want
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