whenever i hear your voice
or that name of yours
my insides cramp,
and i find myself lighting another menthol cigarette,
once again realizing that it’s much sweeter than you ever were

My cousin and I get hammered
It’s his mother’s funeral and we sit around the fire, drinking horrible mixes from red solo cups
He tells me he does ******* and acid
I tell him I take Adderall and pain killers
We are both just trying to numb the pain from everything we would never quite get to do”

“I dug through the landfill of your chest
and found the meadow where
the sun god goes
to rest his eyes.
I thought, this must be where Mother Earth
pressed your heart between her hands,
because I could feel her fingerprints
seared to the curve of your ribs.
I pilfered your dark places—
the ones where the moon likes to hide.
I found the parts of yourself
you thought you were supposed
to be ashamed of.
I kissed all your secrets.
They looked too much like mine.
Truth is, I have no idea
if we were any good for one another,
but I know our demons all got along
with each other just fine.”

It's been a year
since I saw you
die

since I slept rest-
lessly, my forehead pressed
against your
hospital bed

Night after night
your struggling
breath and
the beep beep beep of
your monitors

It's been a year spent
licking my wounds
in hopes that they
would heal,
like people say that
time will do

It's been a year
since I saw you
die
and, my
love,

I still can't
live without
you.

Unfortunately
The reality
Of our daily experience
Is
Easily mitigated
By our ability
To infinitely
Filter and wade through
That which we prefer to avoid