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Jun 2014 · 598
The More I Knew You
Ashley Jun 2014
The more I got to know you
The more I loved you
I fell in love
With your truest you

The you that hides during adversity
While the stronger you takes the wheel
Not the you that's tough as stone
The you that really feels

I found this you after digging and searching
So I felt as if i had earned it
But I was deemed wrong in my beliefs
As not even I was worthy
Jun 2014 · 3.3k
Jealousy Isn't the Word
Ashley Jun 2014
They've both had you in ways
That I could only ever dream of having you
They've felt your hands on every inch of their bodies
And have felt the bliss of your lips
They've exchanged all levels of pleasure with you

They've gotten your attention
They've been your favorites
And encompassed your dreams, asleep and awake
As i have to hack and squeeze my way
Just to approach the horizon of your vision

Jealousy isn't the word to describe
The desperate hunger I can't squelch
And the heaviness of my limbs
Being filled with the feeling of insufficiency
As I face the fact that I'll never be what you want
Not nearly enough
May 2013 · 522
Ashley May 2013
You confuse me
You send my assurance astray
Have me decided by the night
But I forget in the day

There are times
When I feel only for you
But more often than not
I feel you have some growing up to do

Really you drive me crazy
Hauling me around through hallways
Or chasing me through my dreams

Sometimes I'd be content with you
You'd ****** me with those eyes
And touch me with those hands
And you're actually quite sweet
If everything goes as planned

But other times I can't stand you
You take things too far
With your feminine rage
And stop playing around
******, just act your age!

And I give you the benefit of the doubt
As you toss me back and forth
So it'd be nothing but tragic
If you left me carrying the torch
May 2013 · 510
Dream A Better Dream
Ashley May 2013
In my dreams I am strong
I can do anything
I can overcome the greatest trials
In my dreams I am a winner
I am champion of every occasion
I am never second best
In my dreams I am loved
I have ones who care for me
I have ones who never betray me
In my dreams things are right
There's no reason for me to want to go
There's no hatred or deceit around me
In my dreams I am happy
I can enjoy the warm breeze
I can go a day without tears

In my dreams.
May 2013 · 382
Ashley May 2013
Peaceful when the sky is clear
Letting go of neighboring fear
All that made me worry and shatter
Blows away with the wind and clatter
Midnight is never a problem for me
When I'm alone, I'm by the sea
I'm in my dreams
Or so it seems
I'd rather follow the autumn leaves
I'd rather be gone; anywhere but here
Be in the forest alongside the deer.
May 2013 · 365
Ashley May 2013
step forward
she took an apprehensive step forward in the thick darkness.
hands shaking, heartbeat erratic, she steadily slid a foot forward. past the black haze she saw an image. she was appalled at the person she saw before her. it was truly of the most hideous things she had ever seen. she actually began to feel pity, despite the overwhelming disgust, towards the pathetic creature.
its face was contorted with an emotion she dubbed familiar. she shook her head in sorrow and halted in panic as it mimicked the action simultaneously.
she doubled over in what could only be described as a mixture of anguish and defeat. the emotion ran so deep as to strike tears into her eyes immediately as the familiarity turned into understanding. the creature was herself. her entire being shook violently with the emotion that came with her having given up. she was faced with the depth of this ringing truth about her reality and in that moment she had never felt so empty.
May 2013 · 500
What It's Like
Ashley May 2013
not good enough

she closed her eyes to the words and covered her ears to the noise.
there was no relief.
it sounded in a place deep in her mind.
she couldn't escape.
she would never escape.
May 2013 · 363
I barely told you the truth
Ashley May 2013
I wasn't thinking straight. I was only thinking about the weight in my chest and the warm fluttering in my stomach when I thought of you.

I don't think you like me.
I'm just fragile and you feel the need to protect me.

I would've told you earlier if I knew it would come to this. If I knew it would come to you not believing me. I didn't know if the time was right or even when that time would be. I'm starting to think I should have kept it to myself and bore the pain in silence.

Tell me where you're getting your advice. I don't think your aid is qualified enough to decipher me.  They may have even told you I would hurt you.

You placed a distance between us and the space made me feel empty. I wasn't expecting anything from you I just wanted to be a little closer. What ever that meant.

When I said I love you and I care about you and I want to protect you did you ever question it?
I would sooner break completely than let our friendship go to waste.
I never wanted more. I just felt more.
May 2013 · 523
I see Black
Ashley May 2013
Look. What do you see?

I see Black.
But it's not the color Black.
It's emptiness and void.  
It's a heavy heart and a tight stomach.  
It's gasping for air.
It's heavy limbs weighted down with the burdens
of everything most people will never understand.

It's the feeling Black.
The feeling of being lost in a cold dark alley.
The feeling of being unsafe.
Feeling like passing through many different scenes unnoticed
and not necessarily wanted.
Feeling overwhelmed with negativity to the point
where all muscles give up and goals are unreachable.
Feeling the absence of hope.

I see Black.
And I feel as such.
May 2013 · 816
Lace and Velvet
Ashley May 2013
I love your hair the most.
Thick, black
Black in truth and the baring of it.
Black in solidity,
something I'm not used to.

Your eyes, dark brown,  
expressing much more than you allow them to.
They don't reflect the light around them.
They reflect the purity of you.
When I look into them I don't see myself
I see you.
I don't see what I am
I see what I'm lacking.

Your lips are plush like ecstasy.
They remind me of frosted strawberry ice cream.
I wouldn't mind losing myself there,
lingering for days.
Your smile has my heart plunging into fire.
Even a pout will take my breath away.

Whenever you feel insecure about your body
I'm left wondering why.
I'm drawn to it.
All dips and curves.
If you were mine I'd show you
why you should never be ashamed of it.
May 2013 · 326
I Nearly Cried
Ashley May 2013
I sat next to you.
It gave me the opportunity to think.
I can't focus too hard when i'm with you.
I was looking down
but from the corner of my eye
I saw your every movement.
I tried not to make it to obvious
That I was adoring them all.
It seemed as if
You were trying to ignore me.
And that's when I felt it.
Something that's been trapped
In my heart for ages
Tried to break out.
I felt tears sting my eyes.
I heaved only once before I realized
I couldn't cry in front of so many people.
No one knows what's going on.
I willed the tears away.
Told them that if they didn't leave immediately
then I would be forced to take care of them myself.
They left.
I wasn't okay.
But I knew I would have to pretend to be.
Everything is unrequited.
May 2013 · 309
What do you do?
Ashley May 2013
What should you do when you're not good enough.
When you've never been good enough to reach any goal and nothing is expected of you anymore.
What should you do if you want someone so badly and they don't want you.
When you're not what they look for. When they don't see you the way you see them.
What should you do when you can't concentrate.
When there's someone clouding your heart so heavily that even breathing is a burden when working against the force weighing your chest down.

Do you run away from it all?
Where do you go?
Can I come with you?

It's beginning to become to much for me. All these feelings of mediocrity taking over a heart that already felt incompetent.
I don't know that I'll be able to survive this one.
It hurts more deeply that the others.
It's a new feeling in itself and I'm not strong enough to last.
I thought I was strong.
And they thought in was strong.

I told you that I could take the pain.

I've never lied so blatantly before.

I did it to reassure you.
To make you feel at ease at my own expense.
It feels like everything has been at my expense lately.
While I'm falling apart from both the inside and the outside and I have no one.
I have no one and I've never really had anyone.

Who would be offended if I ended my life. Would you blame yourselves? Or would you say it was unfortunate but you saw it coming?

I just want you. I don't need anything else. I just need to get this weight off of my heart before it eats me up and I lose control.

I just want to cry.
May 2013 · 299
So What..
Ashley May 2013
So what if I like to be around you?
So what if every moment I'm with you I feel right?
So what if being in your presence makes everything easier?
So what if you make me feel invincible?
So what if I want to be touching you in some way at all times?
So what if I cant stand being away from you?
So what if I feel the need to close every ounce of space between us?
So what if you are the only reason I willingly wake up every morning?
So what if my heart is overflowing for you?
So what if I've felt this way for weeks?
So what if I told you only because I couldn't take it anymore?
So what if it's becoming the only thing on my mind at all times?
So what if I would do anything just to have you?
So what if all the parts of my life not containing you have become grey areas?
So what if I can no longer function properly?
So what if I can barely speak around you?
So what if you carelessly hold my heart in your hands?
So what if I care about you so much that I fall apart at every frown on your face?
So what if I would tear down the sky just to make you happy?
So what if I no longer take pleasure in anything else?
So what if you are my everything?
So what if I'm on the verge of falling in love with you?

*So what if you don't feel the same.
May 2013 · 590
Daughter of Shylock
Ashley May 2013
My Dear,
I hold nothing in this world higher
Than the pedestal I've made for you.

I cherish your every breath
And every bat of your lashes
This wind knocks me over
Burns my flaming heart to ashes.

I'm sure you know what it means
When I say you're absolutely beautiful.
It means I've given my heart to you
But only we see the truth of it all.

I can't be without you anymore
I'm sorry, but it's true.
It's become your obligation to stay
Unless i grow completely through.

I'm here for as long as you'll have me;
I'll do whatever you need.
Don't worry about leaving my heart broken.
It's breaking piece by piece.
May 2013 · 2.1k
Ashley May 2013
Her name was Artemis.
She had a love.
Not unheard of.

His name was Janus.
He was headstrong.
Never known this love.
And hadn't known her long.

He said Hello
So simple. So sweet.
It blew her gently
Right off her feet.

His shine was effervescent.
Her eyes aglow.
Her heart was on fire.
He didn't know.

All she wanted
Was to make him stay
But he was in flight
She had to find another way

It happened so fast
It flowed so fluidly
Their tale was painful
I tell you. It ruined me.

He was with a girl.
He stroked her hair.
Caressed her face.
They were a pair.

Artemis died
Inside that night
Clutched her soul
As it lost its fight.

She only wanted
The pain to end
I've been there before
I understand.

I didn't resist
When she took me here
To the open water
The blue so clear.

At the edge of the bluff
Hand in hand
I'd do anything for her.
My mirror-twin sister, my best friend.
Ashley May 2013
Thank you

Thank you for letting me know
That I've wasted my time
Thank you for letting me know
That my love is arbitrary

For letting me know early on
That feeling for you is pointless
For saving me the trouble
Of wanting more than a friendship

It took me a while
But I always figure it out
I went through the fire
And got burned without a doubt

But thanks to you
My burns are minor
Thanks to your *generosity

I hardly even hate myself more than I already did
May 2013 · 489
Lesson Learned Once Again
Ashley May 2013
You make me so angry
You pull me around to follow you
And then you leave me somewhere desolate
You make  me think you're worth it
And then you fool me

It's all fun for you
It's all a game to you
It's all a joke to you
It's all the same to you

Who do you think you are
To make me think you were worth it
To trick me so easily
When all you wanted was a laugh.

Well ill be a ****** fool
To believe your lie again
Ill be a ****** fool
To fall over you again

I don't want anything from you
I wouldn't even take a penny
Not a hug or a cuddle
Because you are not worth it

You are of no romantic use to me
So what are you good for?
A hot kiss?
A *****?
A f-ck?
Anything that involves  no feeling
Anything quick to be done
May 2013 · 229
If You're Right For Me
Ashley May 2013
I don't think I've messed up again
I mean, how many times can I.
Sooner or later I have to do it right.

You are where you should be
And I'm in the dark
I just don't know anything

They say
You've got to let it happen
But this wont keep me up for long

'It's just a spark but it's enough to keep me going.'

I left my eyes closed
And this car hit me again
It's familiar
But it hurts as bad as ever

If I just wait this one out
Will the answers just come to me?
Will you come to me?

My words aren't making any sense
But really, what ever does.
May 2013 · 347
Before I Knew You
Ashley May 2013
I jumped into it before I knew you
I had an idea of who you were
And you proved me wrong
But then again,
You are always right, aren't you?

I guess I wanted something
And you looked the part
But you couldn't act.
Then again,
You are the best at it all, aren't you?

You showed me peace
Even if only for a moment
And I ate it up
Despite the dish you served
only days before
Then again,
I'm so vulnerable, aren't I?

And it was perfect timing
With all the pairing birds
So why not you and I
We could make something beautiful.
I'm not sure if that's what you want.
But then again,
You're so sure of yourself,
aren't you?

I captured sight of a dream
Before I Knew I was dreaming.
And I thought it was solid.
All in my feebleness.
All in my weak hopeful heart.
And you fooled me well,
*Didn't you?
May 2013 · 581
Ashley May 2013
Something ill never give up on
Is finding my cure
The one to ease my heart
And make living a verb

Life shouldn't be as static
As it's been for me
It should be worth the fight
And laced with ecstasy
May 2013 · 335
Theater In The Round
Ashley May 2013
I wouldn't be lying
If I said you came to me in a dream.
Everything was gray and cold
And you set the colors free.

I wouldn't be dishonest
If I said I've been dying to show you
How my primal being yourns for you
And this feeling isn't new.

Can you tell me that you want me
In the middle of the night
When the harshest storms row
And you hold me in sight.

Can you tell me that you need me
Because maybe you're incomplete
And maybe you can complete me as well
While my dreams of you repeat.
May 2013 · 525
Me. Alone. Again.
Ashley May 2013
Can't I just be someone else?
Can't I just go back in time?
Can I just stop feeling?
Can my emotions simply die?

Die in time
Die in space
Die to lift me from this place

Place my heart
On ice in case

In case I want it back one day

One day I'll wake up
With love beside me
Happiness inside me
Peace dispite the

Odds are that it wont be you
It wont be anyone I ever

Knew I would be sad again
I can't shake the heavy oppression when
The darkness calls out my name
And I am forced to answer him saying

I have nothing else but emptiness.

I'd take the pill without regrets.
May 2013 · 522
At The Table
Ashley May 2013
Woman sets the table
For two.
It was a bout of wishful thinking.
She knew he wouldn't be home in time for dinner.
Her husband.

She sets down two plates
two sets of silverware
two glasses
A bottle of wine.

His shift ended at 5pm
He would take the scenic route home
and he would be home by 5:30pm
But not lately.

Lately it's been 9pm
Lately it's been short 'hello's
Lately it's been a peck here and there
Lately it's been lack of eye contact
Lately it's been
'I have some unfinished paperwork at the office'

Unfinished paperwork.

They used to be a trophy couple;
The pair that stayed true when tried.
He used to take her to the golf park
Just to admire the way the green
complemented her hazel eyes.
He used to wake her up at the crack of dawn
to watch her watch the Sun rise.
He used to tell her jokes
and laughter had her holding her sides.
And maybe he even loved her
at the time.

Now they were strangers.
They didn't see eye to eye.
Not even and arguement
Just an uneasy settlement.
Nothing ever fit right.

She just wanted to talk to him
To find out what she had done wrong
To have pushed him away so distantly
Or if he had felt this way all along

They had came to a crossroad
And each took separate paths
There was nothing he or she could do
To make this marriage last.
Feb 2013 · 329
Let's Leave It This Way
Ashley Feb 2013
Let's leave it this way.
With me all mixed up
And only knowing 1 + 1 = 2
With you not knowing
The full effect of what you do.

Let's leave it this way.
With us holding hands.
You because we're friends
And me compensating for lost plans.

I'll leave it this way.
With you only knowing the half of it.
And me never facing the situation
Out of force of habit.

We need to leave it this way.
Because if we don't, I'll lose you
And that would do me worse
Than any rejection could do.

We're leaving it this way.
With everything out in the open.
I haven't really said much
But these words were a token.
Feb 2013 · 405
If Feels Like
Ashley Feb 2013
It feels like I gave you my virginity.
When I told you how I felt about you
Though I knew it wasn't time.
I knew I wasn't ready.

It feels like standing naked on national television.
When I showed you one of the many poems I'd written for you.
Though I made it clear with myself
That I would never let you see that side of me.

It feels like a yearning to hide.
When you said the words were emotional and beautiful
Though the words I'd chosen to show you
Were the mildest I had.

It feels like being lost in the wrong city.
When you're as gentle as possible in telling me you don't feel the same.
Though It's completely broken me,
You tell me you're here for me when I need you.

But i just need to go away for a while.
Feb 2013 · 320
For you
Ashley Feb 2013
I turned to face you.
And you were already looking at me.
My breath hitched.
My vision blurred
To protect me
From the blinding radiance of your beauty
The glow of pale pink in your cheeks.
I smiled and turned away.

I hate what we are.
How we can't be more.
This is the worst its felt in a while.
With me falling hard
And you feeling sorry for me.
It's not the first time it's happened.
I shouldn't be this forlorn.
But the way I feel about you
Is something stronger than what I've felt before.

I'm sorry I'm not what you want.
All I want is to be good enough for you.
But I'm not.
I'm just...
I'm so sorry.

— The End —