2:48 am -
I am wide awake
with nothing on my mind
but begging for the sleep
that won't hold memories
of you.

3:16 am -
The cold side of my pillow
is no longer soothing
and my memories
have turned into nightmares
that I can't escape.

4:32 am -
I beg the stars that
I can get a decent night's sleep
one without you in it
one without the perpetual
pain of losing you.

I wrote you a letter
with tears and spilled ink
saying how I felt
writing all my fears;
that piece of parchment
holds all my secrets
it knows all my hiding places
and I was willing to show you
in hopes that you'd stay.

I spent this year as a ghost
the kind that lingers in corners
watching time pass by and by

I spent the winter writing poems
about getting better, but I've still
been here alone so many times

But I'm done with all that ****
and I'm coming out swinging
and I'm turning my back on the past.

Why aspire to be stardust
when you can be the
iron that creates it;
the element that causes
explosions of the largest stars
and resilience that holds the
whole universe together?

Tonight I dread trying to
write my thoughts on paper
but I feel like I have no other
choice but to try.

I want to try to express
the pain I feel when
I see the world.
It hurts me to see
others hurt more than me.

I see the world
full of others feeling
and breathing and
suffering from losses
too soon to grieve.

I wish I could imagine
such a world where suffering
wasn't the basis of life
and where we must suffer
to understand the love behind all feelings.

Dear God,

I know you've tried your hardest to heal me, to rid me of my wounds that have been caused by all of the trials in my life, but they still hurt. I ask you this, are they always going to hurt? Will I forever faintly feel this pain? Because I cannot stand the constant reminder of my mistakes nor can I stand the afflictions caused by the ones who once cared for me. I wish and pray for you to continue to be a beacon of light in my life and to shed wisdom and answers to my questions. I just feel so fogged and lost. I want to find my path again.

Psalms 31:3
*For You are my rock and my fortress; For Your name's sake You will lead me and guide me.