we were making love. you were wet sun-storm calling moons.
i was every moon.
you had thighs. thighs so thighs i was Moses
wandering in the lava fields
of new islands.

my hands were everywhere.

you said things that lived too much and died a little.
so did i.

you held my breath to save me the trouble
of Aaaaah.

during these few short months,
i have done things i never even thought of,
or could even see myself doing

for example, one weekend,
back home from college, i had learned that
my parents took a local newspaper
delivery job

the job consists of:
picking up the papers
organizing the things for the most efficient route
and driving around very late at night when no one else is awake to deliver them
we fill those newspaper racks that i didn't even know still existed
other than that, we rarely have to get out of the car
it's kinda neat

i'm a paper boy

one night, my dad and i took the papers out a 4 in the morning
after just staying awake and watching television in the living room
and we haven't been on good terms for about the last year of my life
not talking very much, just being quiet, alone,
and listening to country music on the radio,
we drove through my childhood town
where i grew up and where he hates
where we both hate
where we're both
just tired

it was like it was abandoned
we only saw three cars the whole trip
in a town that has a bit of a traffic problem

it felt like everyone was dead
it felt like everyone had vanished
or had run away from some cataclysmic event
but forgot to tell us

and time felt so slow
then, he complimented my driving

then, i just wished i could've
told him that i love him
what's wrong
with me?

She does not ask me
May I be there
She does not ask me
If I want her
She does not ask me
In the right time
She does not ask me about the day
She is just there
The fear

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

I try not to worry
her
So much that sometimes
I answer
I’m fine
before
Hello
when she calls
because I know to her
I’m still more bone than
skin
I’m an empty bottle of
pills
One breath away from non
existence
A blood stain she scrubbed
with her tears
I’ve already worried years
off of her life
while trying to end
my own
So when she phones to
to check on me
I’ll always be fine
no matter what is
going on in my life
and sometimes before
Hello

Four, nearly five years ago, he was 4 years and 11 months my senior. We would stay up most of the night. Together. Then I would wake up and he would be gone. And after a few months it became a normal thing to wake up alone. Undisturbed and a little cold. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Until one day he was gone for 8 months. No goodbye. No farewell. Just a break up text and disappointment. I would wake up and he would be gone. But this time he would be thousands of miles away. And all I could think about was water. And where the heck he could possibly be. But not wanting to write, because I didn't want to bother him. But I drank and caved in. I was tired of drowning. It was hot there. Over 100 degrees. He sent pictures and wrote back quickly. He came back. He showed me things he bought from other countries. I smiled again. He showed me more pictures. He got a dog. Fast forward another year. I would wake up and he would be gone. It was a normal thing by now. We had a routine. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Play with the dog. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Drown. Tell him how I felt. Radio silence. 10ft down. Explain how long I felt that way. No explanation from him. 20ft. No apology. 30ft. Direct questioning on how he felt. Dodged and avoided. 40ft. Go to bed. Wake up. And he's gone again. 50ft. 60ft. And it's cold. I can't feel my toes anymore. And it's getting dark. Play with the dog. 70ft. Make the bed and put away dishes. 80ft. Gather my things. Go home. 90ft. Silence. 100ft. And I'm done. I can no longer breathe. And I can no longer swim. I am sinking. And the pressure of the water is crushing my lungs. For two years I choked on sea water. I lived and I died. I waited. But I didn't cry. At 100ft under the waves tears are pretty pointless. After two years of wanting this thing, this person, I no longer want it. Because it doesn't want me. But I'm still afraid when I wake up. And the bed is empty. And I still panic when someone walks out the door. Because I never know which time will be the last. Or which ocean they're about to cross. And my childlike awe and innocence were thrown overboard and forgotten. It created an obsession for that lifestyle. So I became it. I woke up early. I pushed myself farther than I thought possible. And after years of watching him put his on, I earned my own uniform. And I went back to him. But I felt nothing. I surfaced. I can swim again. I have no feelings. I don't even have ill will anymore. He's only a friend. And there will come a day, quite soon, actually, when he will go home. Halfway across the country. And he won't be back. And I won't see him again. Ever. And that's ok. Because people leave. And sometimes they don't come back. And you're cold and a little disturbed. But you make the bed. Gather your things. And leave. Now the one who has panic attacks, the light sleeper, the one who holds a pillow at night to take the place of a body, and the one who begs you not to go, becomes the one who can't be tied down. She leaves. She drifts. Floating on the waves alone in peace and absolute terror. But not love. Not hate. Because she lost all feeling about 100ft down.

The best part is, 5 years later you're begging for me to enter your life again. Once or twice a week, you're inviting me out with you and your friends. You're asking me what I've been up to, where have I been and why haven't I seen you lately. But I'm here. I have always been here. You were the one who left. Every morning. Your time has passed. I was young and dumb. Which is why you probably never cared much. Understandable. I grew up. And now you see my worth. But so do I. And I will never allow myself to be disrespected like that again. Lesson learned. Now it's your turn to wake up alone. Make your bed. Put away your dishes. Gather your things and go home.

Eventually, everything slows down to a stop
The force of it will flow along, drip and drop
Like a leak from a hose
Or a river that goes dry, the moon
Pulls the tides as it glows in the skies
And since the ocean cant hide
The waters push back in retaliation
The satellite will drift away slowly, and the night
Will be lonely as the waves start to quiet
And the sea will be
Still

See, I have a strong will, but sometimes I'd ****
To posses the power of fixing the mistakes that I've made
Every time I can't sleep, I fall into my head
I keep trying to write as the seconds are bled
From my life in the silence as another heartbeat
The stillness will smother, the longing, it eats
Up my composure, and with each day I'm less sure
Exactly what this is supposed to be

Let me just state
That I refuse to watch you drift away
How can you lay your head on my chest
And believe yourself say that there's nothing here
At the end of these days we still have each other
Whatever that means to you
I don't understand this, what do I need to prove?
How can you think that I don't still love you
Have you even been near me?
When I pull you into my arms and hold you so dearly
Was I really so awful that you won't even try?
How can you be so ready to just say goodbye
Of course, it still aches, each passing day you're not mine
It's worse than a shame, it should be a **** crime
To ruin something so beautiful, more perfect than art
Forget all of my writing, don't need origami, don't start
Telling me what I feel, I still miss you in my heartstrings, because
In my eyes, loving you was the most glorious thing


And now all I can do is pray that tides bring
You back to my beach, but I've been gone for so long
They say that rough waters teach sailors to be strong
And I didn't drown yet, I tread through my regret
Trying to build myself back into someone you can love
No more excuses, just say what you're thinking of
Because I'm still waiting and I still don't believe
That you don't want this, that you don't want me
You say I'm no monster, then where's the high road here?
What can drive you away from this irrational fear?
Why put ourselves through this? The reasons aren't clear
And the future isn't written, it's not meant to be known
There's only right here and now, just know you have a home
In my heart, whatever that's worth, I can understand your doubt
But if you do love me, I hope you figure it out
Before the oceans go quiet and the night sky stays dark
What's the purpose of holding onto these broken hearts?

I took a shower tonight.
But I didn't wash my hair
Or my body or my face
Or even my toes.
I took a shower tonight.
And although the water was as hot as it can go
I stepped in and my whole body froze
From my hair
To my body to my face
To my toes.
I took a shower tonight.
And I just sat on the shower floor
I put my face in my knees
Let the billion clear little razors
Roll down my back
And down the drain.
I didn't cry.
I didn't break down.
I took a shower tonight.
And I just sat on the ground
And I sat in the shower.
Till the hot water turned cold.
Three hours of sitting
of mini razor blades rolling gently down my back
And in just a moment.
I'll get in my bed.
And I'll lay.
For about six to seven hours.
Until seven am
And then I'll put on my eyeliner
And be on my way.

You escaped our paradise to risk your own happiness,
I stood on that third floor, numbing my heart,
Covering her eyes to shield from your betrayal.

She felt your touch linger as your fingers slipped through,
I froze all the tears that persisted to fall from my eyes,
Disguising my ice rivers as the spring breeze.

Our Kingdom fell apart as you slammed the door,
Her love strong enough for walls not to collapse,
We stood there in silence as you desert true love.