'The smoke might burn my lungs
but the feeling is worth it
isn't it?'
she asks me

'because feeling anything
is better than feeling nothing

and watching the clouds beside you'
she reckons 'is better than
thinking of them alone

because I rather feel agony
see despair
wallow in grief
than just sit alone and be numb

uncertainty already took one person from me'
she tells me
then she grabs my hand tight
and she says
'I want to be uncertain together'

and to that
I can't think of a word
but I know pulling her tight
is enough tonight

She doesn't like the way they watch her
they hear her voice
and she can't control the conclusions they come up with
she doesn't like the way her hands shake
how her eyes can't focus

she doesn't like  attention on her

because when she was too young
she had too many people watching her every move
and there were
too many voices
too many conclusions
too many hands guiding her into unfamiliar hugs
and worst of all, her eyes couldn't find him,
because he was gone

You hesitate now
As if my touch could burn you
But you know it won't

I want a father
simple as that

it makes me feel guilty
wanting another man to take your place
but sometimes I think
having a father in my life is the only way
I'm going to feel okay
that maybe with a strong man
in my life
I'll suddenly be confident
and I won't be afraid
of being the last one awake
and I won't be afraid
when another man talks to me

I want a father
it's simple as that

The days are endless
and the pain is permenant
The nights are watching the fan dance on the ceiling
and the tears are flowing

It all started when they poured the anger and the sadness
into my heart
I couldn't tell them to stop, I couldn't do a thing

& it turns out, it was actually cement

And thats when you came along
right there, at the perfect moment,
to walk all over me,
and now my heart bleeds your footprints

& thats the thing about cement
once it hardens
it takes years and constant strength to
crack,
if your lucky.


They tell me
I should be okay
That what they did
shouldn't hurt me in the slightest

Then they tell me my thoughts
are wrongful,
that I should just move on
but I can't grasp what they mean
all I want is someone to drill my
cemented heart to smithereens
then, maybe, I'll be able to sleep again

& maybe I'll be able to feel
that heartbeat
the one they say, makes you a free spirit

For now the endless days carry on
and I'm stuck with a cemented heart
that just won't break.