sunday I want pain
monday I want to delve into the darkest part of night
tuesday I want time to soar, drop me in the land of happiness
wednsday I want to feel the hatred you have for me
thursday I want to hear the drip of a faucet and nothing else
friday I want you and me
saturday I want my throat to beg for my screams to stop

all week
it's because of you

and when you decide to have me
everything disappears
and the only thing I have is
your touch
my fingertips
and a quiet mind

oh I need you
gone or here
not in between
why
because, you make me crazy

I've reached the end
and I have two options

I can turn around and find a new path
which requires risk and courage
and once I find a new path
how do I know
I won't fall

I'm tired
and I hear all the voices
saying 'I can't make it through this'
my head has been pounding
so really, why should I turn around

The second option is to jump
I see the waves
the endless blue.
it terrifies me,
the tug of ocean pulling my body,
but ,
it's an outcome,
and I won't suffer for much longer.

what should I do?

Why do you waste your energy?
You present that radiant smile.
hug me like
our touch will stop,
the desperate pleas of those in need.
Why?

I need for you to see the truth

think of me like a robber
entering your holy presence
I'm faking,
rounding up your feelings
stowing them away,
and you still think
I'm benefiting

I'm not
and in the dead of night
dressed all in black
the brightest thing about me
is the smirk
escaping my lips

I take your feelings and sell them
use the pleasure I gain as an escape
from the numbness
tearing my soul to shreds

Happiness
seems like a foreign land
I'm walking there
I'm trying- I am

the paths getting harder to see
I keep my head down
eyes focused
this haze
it's too strong for me

my throats tightening up
I know
what it means

I laugh just once more
because
somehow
I've found the end
when I was just looking for the beginning

Our hands interlock,
yet,
we couldn't be any farther away.

I try to navigate
take the longer path
hope the roads confuse me
hope they create an illusion,
not even the steadiest eyes could endure

I try to memorize what I need to explain
hope a beast surrounds me and takes my breath away
hope it leaves me with no chance to speak again

I try to persuade myself it's all going to be okay
but really
i wish it wasn't me
who had to carry the bags
explain the mess

eventually I run out of roads to take,
fake illusions to make, and their are no more beasts that could possibly harm me

so i tell them the truth

'the pain hurts every single day, and I'm afraid, his memory is never going away'

and if a tear or two falls down my cheeks
I turn my back and accept - i've done my best.