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 Mar 2018 Anna
liza
Feeling emptier than a dormant volcano. Watching the other mountains spit fire from their mouth's and their soul's. I'm crawling the earth as everyone is walking and learning to dance, and it isn't that I haven't heard that I could do it too; i've just never believed the mouths that said it.
While the trees sway and the humans nod at one another in unity and assurance, I'm a vacant city sleeping in empty dining halls and making families out of the rubble that lie at my feet, dreaming of the day something (anything) moves in.
Drones and explosives and graffiti. There's no one to blame. I'm alone as alone can be. I thought it could be a beautiful sadness (art), but it's just awful. Painful and dreary and lonely. The only eyes that see are mine and it's only monsters. I want someone here with me, you see, but I can't fathom hurting anyone but me.
i wrote this a while back and here it is revised a little.
Your voice has a choice.
Your tongue is moist with juicy, fruitful words.
Your lips chirp like harmonious birds;
building botanical gardens inside some
beautiful person’s head somewhere.

You could distinguish old flames, smother your pride
ignore all blame… Or
you could turn something worse.
Go postal, find trouble to immerse
yourself in.

Do you even try to scale the value between a blessing and a curse?
Did it sound more exciting when I said Congratulations first?
Is your mommy and the tv well distraction from the hearse
all of us blindly ride in.
We’re born into a society claiming Life, Freedom and the pursuit of happiness.

I feel no freedom in our flags
when more blood falls on clothing tags of women who were “just asking for it”.
I’m desperately clinging onto the pursuit of happiness,
but my hands slide off like butter fingers pursuing monkey bars
The greasy kind of disappointment you can get at
McDonalds for a dollar

I’m a little confused where the donations are Ronald?

$27.6 billion in revenue,
yet every seventeen minutes
another person pursues death as if it were their
only chance of freedom
and you’re squeezing your red clown nose
thinking of what new toy to impose
on the children buying Happy Meals.



The 111th richest corporation in the nation
has the audacity to serve deep fried pink slime
and call it a happy meal.
At the same moment,
a stiff insurance business suit is denying
extended treatment to people.
People:
dying to learn how to tame the monsters in their heads,
dying to learn how harming themselves harms their families health,
dying to learn how to fight enemies who sing them to sleep at night.

Thousands of children men and women
who are in so much pain.
Plastered with close-lidded visions
nightmare doorknobs with creaking hinges.
Some violent, some explosive, some ******,
ostly misunderstood combinations of the above.
Some, accidents stained with blood.
Some, knife twisting in their back, broken oaths.

There is more freedom in valuing the pursuit of life
than happiness in living for a dying pursuit
Congratulations, we live in a society
where the living die with a side order of either
painful awareness or
numb naivety.
I try my best to appear graceful
to look like my day to day existence
is perfectly orchestrated into
a symphony of flowers and lace
And then there are the days
I would rather saw my own legs off
than leave my bed
surrounded by chocolate and self pity
What causes each see-saw drop and lift
is unclear
but as I obsess over my internal and external self
the people I love with the power of Thor’s hammer
obsess  undress and caress
their bleeding wounds
desperately suppressing all incoming growth
screaming for pleasure without making a sound
embracing chemically induced illusion
instead of embracing each other
instad of embracing themselves
instead of embracing their mother
and I, masochistic and bursting with back and forth
delay my inevitable catapult to the future
the worst thing I could do is leave
the worst thing I could do is stay
The best thing i can do is embrace myself
the only thing I can do is embrace them
Last night was grass ripping, candy melting disappointment
His eyes have grown cold around his warm (once warm) chocolate eyes
We had an amazing weekend camping in the Catskills together (except for the rain and when he took my phone)
he can’t live without me yet
his shoulders are weighed down, I don’t think he remembers what dancing feels like-
except when we make love
The only (last) smile I’ve seen on him was before/during/after *******
I have spent my whole life making things more difficult for everyone I love
My penguin found it was easier to trap himself in a glacier than to
face the possibility of not catching any fish

I believe him when he says he doesn’t remember his freak outs
his night terrors, when he manically thrashes like venomous wave crashes
I believe him to be drowning
I know how he feels
I am my mother dealing with myself 2-3 years ago
and so before and hereafter
I stopped drowning myself when I saw my loved ones swallowed by the tide
swallowed by my overwhelming sea of depression ( okay it took me a few tries)
but I had support

My love is drowning and I’m afraid I’m going under
which is alright considering I’m with the love of my life
but what about all of my ferocious attempts at trying to stay alive?
All my mother’s strength wasted on carrying a shattered girl
All my brother’s love he shows in funny ways yet
All my brother’s love brings peace into my days

How can I rely on someone when that someone relies on me?
How can I carry the weight of a beautiful boy’s mountainous
depression/suicideality
How can I not help or be there for the most wonderful man going through
the most terrible sandstorm when I know EXACTLY how that feels
How am I going to continue believing in myself when the luckiest,
most unbelievable circumstance of love doesn’t believe life is worth living?

Depression can be temporary
Depression can be lifelong
How can I watch myself fall off the step
I waled back and forth from until my toes begged me to stop
until my soul begged me to stop

I know of few things to be true
I know of our age and how we’re too old to be this young
I know I have never loved anyone else as much as I love him
I know he thinks he loves me, I believe him
I know we’re meant to be together not in a soulmate way
in a I want to wake up next to his soft face, mahogany eyes and golden smile
for the rest of my life

I know he is having trouble turning on the lights because he;s terrified the bulbs will explode
I know it took me a really (really ******* long) long time to accept myself
and I still have a ing way to go until I actually like myself
I know he’s struggling and I’ve done everything I can do to help him
and nothing at all to help myself
I will always love him
Not marble, nor the gilded monuments
Of princes shall outlive this powerful rhyme,
But you shall shine more bright in these contents
Than unswept stone besmeared with sluttish time.
When wasteful war shall statues overturn,
And broils root out the work of masonry,
Nor Mars his sword, nor war’s quick fire shall burn
The living record of your memory.
‘Gainst death and all-oblivious enmity
Shall you pace forth; your praise shall still find room
Even in the eyes of all posterity
That wear this world out to the ending doom.
    So, till the judgment that yourself arise,
    You live in this, and dwell in lovers’ eyes.
 May 2014 Anna
Angel torruella
Trying to balance life and make sure my family that balanced me these 27 years is rough trying to give them wisdom just adding my 27 cents in this recessive economy. Just a quarter the age of a great portion of my family I'm gonna have to grieve over soon enough knowing they love me so much they will roll over in there grave as I go through life's uncertain escapades you just can't escape faith the saying soul mate should be plural one person couldn't get me through life's stale mates
 May 2014 Anna
mark john junor
who
 May 2014 Anna
mark john junor
who
this place
in the thin track of woods
behind a shopping center
a boulder and the bare beaten ground around it
littered with beer cans and pizza boxes
a girls shirt with mud on it hangs in a bush
one mans shoe

but its so quiet here
the breathing of the wind
as it stirs the leaves overhead
and makes a shifting sunlight fresco of shadow's light
a crow beats wings into the clearing

who was i with that day
where were we going
a girl but who..who....
i cannot even remember what she looked like
the color of her hair
i cannot even tell you the year
i was a young man in a motorcycle jacket
and engineer boots
was it a dream
dreamt so long ago that it in
memory's eye it was real
no i know the place we were all to well

that clearing is fresh to the mind as it was that day
but time has eroded all else
i wonder who she was
i know i loved her after a fashion
i held her in that clearing
we kissed and talked for some measureless time
i remember her laugh
i remember her kiss
who were you
who

my sweet lost lover
forgive this old man his scattered mind
forgive my thoughtless forgetting
as the days end rush up upon me
i look back with a fond eye on my passing life
if we shared little else
i know we shared that day
and i know that my heart smiled for you
my sweet lost lover
I don't like to make small talk
But you make it so much fun.

I don't like to travel
But I would to see you.

I don't like human contact
But I'd run up and hug you.

I don't like emotions
But when I'm with you I don't know how to feel.

I don't like people
But I really think I love you...
"Ha Ha! did some kid really get a 37 on the test? Good luck to that guy."

Hi, I'm Miss 37 on a Recordkeeping test
yet I ingest, more natural intelligence,
from my morning spinach-strawberry-banana smoothie;
than I do from eating your face off.

Haley, restrain, breathe, write.

I score more points when I invest
every spastic ounce of energy into calming down.
Plastic expectations don't deserve
my jolted, steaming, red in the face nerves.
My teacher and I know I haven't earned
below a 70 yet this year.

Two Years ago I was buried  myself beneath enough mulch
I could barely emit muffled noises;
let alone offer proposes of how far the stick up your *** is.
Drowning in every pound of self destruction
I erupted volcanos, melted my mother's heart.
Struggled, mulligrubbed with my own monsters.
Finally, I emerged from the dirt, blooming,
fueled by the passion for life that consumed me.
My roots hardened into knotted salvations;
Pursuit of curiosity, to never stop asking questions.
Passionate relationships, with equal give and take and
Intrigue in the new and altruistic.

I never asked to be a statistic
among American teens who pursue the American Dream.
Surviving a full year in high school is enough
to satify my pride.
A 37 is nothing to hide
so say it louder man-boy.
Straighten your spine on that testosterone pedestal.
Good luck out there, I hope you catch em all!
I'll be gazing at the sky, a piece of advice?
Always keep your ears open, Always keep your eyes wide.
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