I suppose you were always part of my life,
Standing somewhere in the background.
But I never truly
Paid you any mind.
Until one day.
Without warning or without noticing why,
We fell into a companionship like no other.
By your touch I was healed
Of a life long illness,
Vanished like the snow.
Thankful, I let you into my home.
Through keeping our distances
We became closer than expected.
But past your ability to heal,
You had the power to cast a sickness upon me
That still follows me,
Even after all these years.
No matter.
I loved the sickness
And I loved the pain.

The turning of a leaf
Brought upon a turn in our friendship.
On that cold August day,
My lips found out just how warm,
Soft, and inviting
Your lips happened to be.
So I dove deep.
But your lips were deceitful.
For the inside of your mouth
Was as cold and hard as ice.
I retreated from the kiss
And vowed
Never to go down that road again.
But no later did I find
You and I clutching each other in bed
Whispering to each other sweet words of heaven
And scalding words of hell.
It was a night I never should have touched.
I know.
But we did. Together.

The deeper I fell in love with you,
The quicker I came to realize
How much of a devil in disguise
You really were.
But you promised a healing
From the sickness you gave me.
And though I assured you I needed it,
You convinced me I would regret
Holding on to this disease.
So I allowed you your touch,
And like that, you were forgiven.
But you failed to tell me
That the fever had me tainted
Forever.

They said you were a monster
And how they were right.
But they never knew
How you could make me feel
Like I was in a movie.
How you could stop tears
That no one else could stop.
How you could take me miles away
Without me stepping foot outside my house.

My darling,
I will never stop loving you.
You hurt me so,
But I will never
For all my days,
Live a day without you.

Allow me to love you,
To squeeze your hand without reason,
To approach you and kiss you
Completely without warning.
Allow me to love you,
To spend my waking hours by your side,
And my nights listening to your heart beat.
Allow me to love you,
To touch you without guilt,
To proclaim my adoration for you
Void of hesitations.
Allow me to love you,
To simply look at you,
To know you are mine.
Allow me to love you,
To shout it out without shame,
To love you wholly, intensely,
Without inhibitions.

Walking through the town today
I thought I crossed you on the street
With your sand storm hair and empty eyes
And anxious vagabond feet.
Your pretty teeth were crooked
Like bricks forced under pressure
Your shoulders, they sagged tiredly
Your head hung with displeasure.
My heart leapt at the sight of you
And music filled my lungs
With a longing to sing with the loudest voice
All the songs 'til now left unsung.
But when your eyes met with mine,
You were just a man I did not know.
Just a man, like the man I once loved
One thousand cold Augusts ago.

He entered in like Dylan
Black and leather and brown boots.
Guitar slung over his shoulder,
He walked like a fox
A little too smooth.
Didn't mama ever tell you
Boys in leather were no good?
Guess you were never one
To follow rules.
He entered in like Dylan.
Empty handed, up for grabs.
A night time backstreet walker if I ever knew one.

If I possessed all the knowledge in the world,
I would give it all up
Just to know where you went
And if you are alright.
I cherished every glance at your face
And every glance you gave to me.
Had I known my time for those opportunities would be so short,
I'd have cherished them all the more.
I never knew your name,
And I never needed to.
But to know of your safety,
I would give the world.
My heart aches as I question
Whether or not you are still alive,
For the last few times I saw you,
You appeared to be fading away.
Your skin was so wrinkled,
Your face so burdened.
What I would have given
To hold your face in my hands
And smooth out each wrinkle with my thumbs.
It's just a silly idea
Of making you young again,
With some crazy hope
That you and I could be together.
I swore I'd never loved you.
I knew nothing else about you
Except your physical appearance--
Not to be considered handsome.
But to me you were beautiful.
Your sunken, hollowed eyes,
Your muddy curls,
The shape of your figure,
And the age of your face.
You were the one I longed to know.
But this time I fear
You are gone for good.
I never knew your name,
I never knew your story.
All I knew is whom you reminded me of,
And I know how that eventually was separated,
And how you and you alone
Were the one whom I would give
All my years for one night of holding close to my chest,
Where we'd never learn each other's names,
But you would learn the warmth of my *****
And the rhythm of my heart.
And I would know you.
And that would be enough.

I am sorry that I can not love you.
I do not.
I am sorry that I can not pretend
Just to be with you.
For though I may not love you
I know what is fair.
And you deserve to be loved honestly
Not by someone who pretends
Just to appease you.
I am sorry that I can not want you
Despite how hard I try.
I search for what matters
And it is there
But I have no desire for it.
I am sorry I can not love you back
Though you have done everything right.
You are beautiful
And you have the kindest soul.
But I do not want you.
I do not love you.
I am sorry.

I always loved that movie,
Particularly the part
When he asks her
Why the city has no walls
And therefore how can it shield itself?
She answers readily by explaining to him
That most of the dangers
The city will ever face
Come from the inside.
It is the same sort of dangers
I feel a safety from
While in your arms.
Inside of the fold of your arms
I find safety.
Not from any outside threat
That may be lurking,
But a quiet safety from the constant war
Inside of my own mind.
When I am within your arms
The war grows calm and silent,
In a way it never does.
The feeling like I can never catch a breath
Disappears at the touch of your hand,
And for once I can breathe.
Inside of your arms,
I can do what should come naturally,
But I can never seem to accomplish.
I can breathe.
I can breathe.
With you
I can just be.

Though I have repeatedly tried to convince myself otherwise, in the end I always find myself believing that any true artist was given the duty only to be born, to mystify and create, and then to die.

At the end of the day,
There are other beautiful men
And other gorgeous women
In the world.
At the end of the day,
Your kiss
Will not be the last one
I ever taste.
At the end of the day,
I know that some other
Pretty face
Will one day catch my eye.
At the end of the day,
You will not be
The only one
To ever make my sides hurt
With laughter.
At the end of the day,
I actually can
Listen to that song
Without crying.
At the end of the day,
I am sure that
I will find
Someone else
Exactly like you.
At the end of the day,
I know
That you are not
The last person
That I will ever love.
But at the end of the day,
No one,
No one,
Will ever have my heart
The way that you do.

The other day I stood
On the outside of the crowd
As I often find myself
In rooms that get too loud.
Everyone pushed and shoved
To get a closer view
Of the newborn baby boy
Who had now reached week two.
I wondered what it was
About a baby that brought charm.
Why everyone fought for a chance
To have him in their arms.
Remember when we were born
No one told us what to be
Not a word about what to say
We were completely free.
Untainted and uninfluenced--
Not robots of this world
Pure and fresh and vulnerable
Just us baby boys and girls.
Naked, raw, we were only skin
And one heart beating strong.
In our first few minutes we became
Who we should be all along.
Unharmed and still untouched,
We lived with only love in us to give.
No one had told us no
So we had all will to live.
Remember when we were babes?
All soft and sweet and magical.
It makes me wonder what happened.
Because, God, we were so beautiful.

You have charcoal on your eyelids
And dust inside your heart,
Your blood, stale and thicking,
Your mind quickly falling apart.
Yet your beauty is astonishing,
With your crooked hair and shaggy teeth,
A million miles inside your eyes,
Telling stories of love and grief.
I spotted you from afar,
And I hoped that you were him,
But when you turned and showed your face,
My light of hope went dim.
You were not the man I was looking for,
And I doubt if I shall find him again,
I just thought to tell you that you are still beautiful,
Just a man amongst the thousands of men.

As the moon belongs to the night,
So I belong to you.
And just as the night sky
Never fears to lose its stars
So shall you never lose me
As long as the day is day
And the night is night.

I hate being with you.
Because I love being with you.
My heart leaps upon seeing you.
My stomach drops at your presence.
It is wonderfully foolish.
You give me peace,
You give me comfort.
You are my home in a strange place.
You make my smiles real,
And you taught me how to cry.
You make life worth living
And you are the only thing
That makes me fear death.
You are my best friend.
You are my whole world.
You are my only light.
You have my whole heart.
I love being with you.
But I hate being with you.
Because being beside you
Makes me remember
That you belong to her.
You will never be mine.
Being beside you,
I feel alive.
I feel love,
I feel tomorrow,
I feel miracles,
And I feel the universe.
But being beside you,
I feel pain.
And the world may crash around me
And burn me to my bones,
And still I will never feel truer pain
Than when I am beside you.
Beside you
Ready to give you my all,
But you oblivious and content
Because she already is your everything.

My bathroom reeks of cigarettes,
My sink is filled with wine,
My kitchen table, a stack of bills
And overdue book fines.
This isolation is my poison,
This quiet is my hell.
I thrive on dreams of suicide
And other habits I can't tell.
The life of an artist, you see,
Is a life of sacrifice.
And though we did not choose this fate,
We still must pay the price.
People think we simply see
Hidden beauty in the world.
But we also see the demons at night
Seducing young boys and girls.
They're tempted by money and other things
The world tries to force in our minds.
And all the artist can do is sit, watch
And hope they come out alive.
For an artist already knows how it is
To live in a world where you choke
On poison and blood and *** and wine
And in the end, they still come out broke.
Yet we still live with a foolish hope
That one day when we're dead and gone,
Perhaps our art and perhaps our words
Will somehow carry on.
We believe once we're immortal
Everything will somehow be alright.
And I plan to be there someday--
If I can make it through the night.

She writes poems about people crying.
She draws people crying.
But she never cries.
She sleeps all day.
She breaks things.
She hides.
She bleeds.
She avoids.
She ignores.
She pretends.
She disregards.
She puts away.
And she stops to write
The most beautiful stories
Of people crying.
But she never cries.

*She is much too old to cry.

Why is it that every time
I come in search for you,
I find you alone on the floor
Turning black and blue?
Tell me, what does he do to you
Behind these tightly closed doors?
Or why you no longer dance with me
Because your body is always sore.
You and I, my darling, were happy
Before he ever walked in.
We'd dance barefoot in the fields,
Married to the earth and wind.
But when you told me that he loved you
I believed you and set you free.
I'd always hoped you'd find someone
Much worthier than me.
But sweetheart, why so many tears?
You wear long sleeves more and more.
What happened to the lovely summer dresses
That once upon a time you wore?
And why, sweetpea, is he never home
When I come visit during the day?
And why is it always night
That you choose to run away?
Run away again tonite.
Come knocking on my door.
I will let you in; I swear
That you will hurt no more.

I was missing you again,
Regretting that you are not here.
It's been a year,
But my heart has not healed
From losing you.
I was looking through old pictures
Of you
Of us
And found the one
Where I'm looking up at you
Smiling.
And you're looking at the camera
Smiling.
But when I see your smile
In this photograph,
I now see the tears behind the smile,
The pain you held inside,
How you were breaking at the seams,
And the heartbreak you felt.
I look at this picture
Of you and I
With you so beautiful in black and white.
I wonder how any of us
Could have been so blind
To not see the pain you held inside.

Today I will visit your grave.
I'll kiss your name in concrete.
I'll try to stay strong
Like you would want me to.
Like I wish you had.
But in the end I know
I'll break down
And be there until sunset
Weeping and weeping
Whispering your name
And one hundred times
"I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry"
"I'm so sorry".

I see you.
I look at you, and I see you.
And it makes me angry
When she looks at you
That all she ever does is look.
She never sees.
She just looks at you.
She looks,
Completely unaware
Or simply unmindful
To the miracle of having
Earth's most beautiful being before her.
Fully knowing what I would give
To know it for a moment.
I am done asking her
If I can have you.
I have grown and selfish desire has left me.
I simply beg her to see you.
She can not see.
And she will never see.
She will only ever look.
Forever will she only look at a man
Whom she will never love
The way he should be loved.
The way he deserves to be loved.
The way he could be loved.
The way that I do.

I am Wet and Cold.
I am Cold and Wet.
On weekly nights like these,
It seems that is all I get.
I shiver as rain drips down
From my neck onto my back.
My head down, all I see
Is the street--a shiny black.
My hair sticks so tightly,
Like a lover, clinging to my face.
Is it possible for me to find
A more disappointingly lonely place?
These walks back home, I know,
Are slowly killing me,
With rain and rust surrounding
As all I ever see.
I made it to the bridge somehow
To watch water touch itself.
I cannot seem to comprehend
How my life became this hell.
My feet dangle over the edge,
My elbows rest upon my knees.
The cold ice in my chest
I fear, just might make me freeze.
I jump without a second thought
To the river down below.
Just as I hoped, it only gets warmer
The further down I go.

One day we will live in a house
Where plates are broken
Because of accidents.
Our plates will break
Because you were helping mommy
With the dishes
When the plate slipped from your fingers.
You and I will make faces
In the sink
With all the broken pieces
And laugh at the faces laughing back at us.
One day we will live in a home
Where plates are broken
Because of accidents.
And nothing will ever be thrown.

You are the only one
Who knows the secrets of my youth.
You were the only one
Who I could tell the truth.
You know all my shame
But this isn't love.
You are the only one
Who can touch me in that way.
You were the only one
Who I did not push away.
You know his name
But this isn't love.
You are the only one
Who can kiss me in the rain.
You were the only one
Whose kiss did not cause pain.
You know I was framed
But this isn't love.
You are the only one
Who can hold me in bed.
You were the only one
Whose touch I did not dread.
You know who's to blame
But this isn't love.
You are the only one
Who seems to understand.
You were the only one
Who could ever hold my hand.
You know what he claimed
But this isn't love.
You are the only one
Who came close to "together".
You were the only one
Who I could see forever.
You felt the same
But it wasn't love.

He could never be quite certain
Whether she belonged to him
Or to the sky
This girl with tiger blood
And lazy hair,
For though she slept beside him,
He heard her voice in her sleep
Speaking to all the skeletons of her past
Explaining to them
That nothing caged can fly
And hoping they understand.

This time last year
You were here with me
This time last year
You and I would sleep.
Christmas this year,
A table for two filled by one.
Just my wine bottle and I,
Wondering what I've done.

Where would I find you?
Somewhere far from my heart.
I'm waiting here for you.
Waiting for life to start.
But no.
You were only a dream.
A fog lost in headlights,
Not what it seemed.
Come back once more.
Come back to me.
Away from the cold,
Out of the sea.
Come back my dream.
I fall asleep
Out of the streets.
Come back to me.

I woke up at an ungodly hour
In search of my papers past.
And while reading them, to my dismay
Came the harsh realization at last,
That all the words I ever wrote
Have all been written in vain.
For when I wrote, it was in desire
For money, for ***, and for fame.
Have I lied to myself all these years
That I wrote because I loved it so much?
Or was it my desire for the lifestyle of an artist
That I longed for and wanted to touch?
And now, I'm in tears for I'm overwhelmed
With an alarming weight of guilt.
For who is to blame except myself
For the pain of this hell I've built?
I no longer want what I know I want
But now I long for the things I hate.
It's somewhere deep down, but I cannot find
The desire to write and create.
I've tainted myself with false intentions.
I've branded myself with lies.
So take away my pens, all my papers--
I'm sick of living in disguise.

The night time brings upon
A nectar to the earth
Sweet like the honey tears
Of the black-eyed Susans,
And cool to the touch
Like the springs in August.
I know,
For I have walked it myself.
Barefoot and naked,
Into the woods
In search of a song
Gone silent from my youth.

I accidentally walked in front of a car
Today.
I was walking slowly,
With my head down
And forgot to watch where I was going.
"What are you, crazy?!"
The driver shouted,
After swerving to avoid me.
I stared back at him.
There he was:
An important looking man
In his brand new car
Shiny and fast
In a hurry
Because he was going somewhere.
He was going somewhere.
I stared down at my worn out shoes,
The canvas sagging with lack of purpose,
And answered him,
"Yeah, probably."

Dance with me, dearest death.
Sweep me off my feet.
Dance with me, darling death.
Pull us cheek to cheek.
You take the lead, and I will follow
Matching my feet with yours.
Through the halls, into ballrooms
On a night time tour of dance floors.
Dance with me, dearest death.
Hold me by the waist.
Dance with me, darling death.
Your chest warm on my face.
See my dress flow like river water,
As you take my finger for a twirl.
In shadows of the rooms we dance
In dips and curves and curls.
Dance with me, dearest death.
Press me against your skin.
Dance with me, darling death.
Meet the flesh above my chin.
And when the night is finally over
I beg, take me home with you.
Into bed you and I will crawl
For a night I will not make through.

Peace will turn to violence.
Rolls of thunder into silence.
As winter turns to spring
And beggars into kings,
So will babies turn to men
And buildings from the land.
Even lovers shall turn to strangers
With the passing of winds of changes.

Oh you treated me kindly
And provided me my every need.
You gave me schooling, education,
And my daily drinks and feeds.
And though you never meant to hurt,
If only you could see how
The marriage between the two of you
Still affects me even now.
Oh I live a happy life,
A beautiful child to keep me whole,
My husband with a workers hand
And a tender, loving soul.
Yet any accidental crash,
From somewhere in my home
Leaves me with the horrid thought
That I may end up alone.
It is silly, father, mother,
That a fallen lamp has me believing
That someone whom I love so much
Really could be leaving.
Yes you loved me, and you cared.
You never left me on my own.
But oh how you ruined the concept
Of a safe and secure home.

He wakes every morning 
To stare into the mirror 
And wonder when his face 
Turned like elephant skin;
For all his mind recalls
Is a memory of a laughing girl
Who pulled the ribbons from her hair,
Until one day she stole his sheers
To carpet the floor 
With black raven wings,
All because she longed to drink
From the basket of life,
But in his animal-instinct weakness
He cut the cord
From the source 
To her lips.

Nothing shouted louder
Than the words we left unspoken.
Nothing hurt more
Than the bones we left unbroken.

Do I love you??
Why are you asking me this??
Do I love you??
I love the things you say.
I love the things you do.
But do I love you??
Sometimes I think I do.
Sometimes I tell myself
To just accept my love for you,
To give myself permission to fall deeply in love.
To allow myself happiness for a change,
And to sink into something beautiful.
Yet other times, I find myself thinking
That perhaps I am just lonely.
Perhaps I just miss you.
Perhaps it is just nice to have someone to talk to.
Perhaps it is the fact
That every time we speak
It is three in the morning,
And deny it all you want,
But you know **** well that that makes a difference.
Perhaps I just love the nostalgia from when we were kids.
I do love it.
I love the memories.
I love those years.
I love the feelings they left behind.
But do I love you??
Do I love you??
Oh darling.
Ask me no questions,
And I tell you no lies.