The other day I stood
On the outside of the crowd
As I often find myself
In rooms that get too loud.
Everyone pushed and shoved
To get a closer view
Of the newborn baby boy
Who had now reached week two.
I wondered what it was
About a baby that brought charm.
Why everyone fought for a chance
To have him in their arms.
Remember when we were born
No one told us what to be
Not a word about what to say
We were completely free.
Untainted and uninfluenced--
Not robots of this world
Pure and fresh and vulnerable
Just us baby boys and girls.
Naked, raw, we were only skin
And one heart beating strong.
In our first few minutes we became
Who we should be all along.
Unharmed and still untouched,
We lived with only love in us to give.
No one had told us no
So we had all will to live.
Remember when we were babes?
All soft and sweet and magical.
It makes me wonder what happened.
Because, God, we were so beautiful.

The air is heavy
With smoke
And the sound of the bass.
We think we're the baddest thing
Since 1976 England.
But deep down
We all know the truth.
We're all just a bunch of nerds
Rescued by rock and roll
And hoping to get out.

I spent last night
With a homeless man.
He asked to *** a cigarette,
And next thing you know,
Hours passed
Just sitting on a New York bench,
And talking about life.
He told me about his dream
To be an astronaut,
And how he would give anything
To tell his mother he was sorry.
At one point,
He put his hand on my chest
And felt my heart beating
For a few seconds.
He looked into my eyes
And asked me why I was so sad.
No reason.
I'm not sad.
It's just cold,
And I was just thinking
That August never sticks around
As long as I'd like.

If I possessed all the knowledge in the world,
I would give it all up
Just to know where you went
And if you are alright.
I cherished every glance at your face
And every glance you gave to me.
Had I known my time for those opportunities would be so short,
I'd have cherished them all the more.
I never knew your name,
And I never needed to.
But to know of your safety,
I would give the world.
My heart aches as I question
Whether or not you are still alive,
For the last few times I saw you,
You appeared to be fading away.
Your skin was so wrinkled,
Your face so burdened.
What I would have given
To hold your face in my hands
And smooth out each wrinkle with my thumbs.
It's just a silly idea
Of making you young again,
With some crazy hope
That you and I could be together.
I swore I'd never loved you.
I knew nothing else about you
Except your physical appearance--
Not to be considered handsome.
But to me you were beautiful.
Your sunken, hollowed eyes,
Your muddy curls,
The shape of your figure,
And the age of your face.
You were the one I longed to know.
But this time I fear
You are gone for good.
I never knew your name,
I never knew your story.
All I knew is whom you reminded me of,
And I know how that eventually was separated,
And how you and you alone
Were the one whom I would give
All my years for one night of holding close to my chest,
Where we'd never learn each other's names,
But you would learn the warmth of my *****
And the rhythm of my heart.
And I would know you.
And that would be enough.

The girl with the eyes
And red stripes for sleeves
They left her alone
And that's how she pleased.
She had not a face
But red screaming eyes.
She stared people down
Until they would cry.
She was like a disease,
More creature than not.
Cold flesh for skin
Eyes burning hot.
Don't look at her now
She'll give you the eye
And watch as you burn
She'll watch as you die.
And if you ignore
The fact that she's there.
She won't even know.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'D CARE.

The door was jammed open
With some rusted *****
To prevent us from being locked out
And into the night.
The chill of the night
And the strength of the nicotine
Had us feeling just like
The floating candles inside.
It's scary.
It's scary to think
That maybe we are in love.
That maybe this is all real.
That maybe we have the greatest
That anyone will ever have.
Especially when we think
That we really are nothing,
Just two young kids,
Holding each other through the night,
Thinking we are something,
Yet fully aware
That we, just like the rest,
Will soon fade to dust in the wind,
Our short vapor
Just air,
Fading out into oblivion,
Just as everyone else.

Every ounce of your beauty
I have touched,
For you display it
And give it away so freely.
But, darling, what I would do
To touch the darkest parts of you,
To finally know you complete,
To taste the stories that you hide away.
You say that there is nothing
But beauty and love and joy.
But, baby, I see it in your eyes,
The darkest parts of your nights
When you sit alone and cry
With no one but the moon watching.

You said it was nothing
When you kissed her.
That a kiss doesn't mean a thing.
But I wish it did.
I wish a kiss meant everything.
I'd give anything for that reassurance
That all those times you kissed me,
That you felt everything.
That it meant something.
Or anything at all.

It's your choice.
It always has been.
I don't beg people to stay,
Nor do I stick around
Where I'm not wanted.
I just hope you know
I was ready to give you the world.
You already were mine.

These paint strokes
Birth poetry--
Art competing for art,
When all you want
Is to be a great artist,
But you are pulled
From morning
To night
With every cycle of the moon.
You've no friends left,
And all you have left to wear
Is a pair
Of canvas shoes
And a pair
Of paper wings.
A sound like
A baby crying
Calls you out into the streets.
You pull on your paper wings,
And step out into the rain.

You spoke as strongly as your father,
But you with a sense of restlessness.
I had never seen sadder eyes.
I had never seen someone more determined.
You stood taller than the sycamores
And stronger than the osage.
Your back was baked by the sun
And your hands chiseled by the earth.
I believe the spirits wanted us,
That they secretly cheered for our victory.
That they did not fear us breaking tradition,
For the sake of maintaining life's greatest tradition.
You told me your mother loved me,
But she was no match for your father.
She would not even dare.
She believed in fear in marriage.
Your father is a good man,
I know.
But he has a legacy to uphold.
So it remains as it is.
You in your world
And I in mine.
Fully intended to be together.
Destined to be apart.

Hold me so closely,
With your promises
To never let me go.
Squeeze me so tightly
And tell me about
Your wish to consume me whole.
Kiss my lips
So softly
And do not apologize.
Press replay tonite
And just as often
As you would like.
Stay inside this bed.
Just do not love me.
You do not want to love me.

He entered in like Dylan
Black and leather and brown boots.
Guitar slung over his shoulder,
He walked like a fox
A little too smooth.
Didn't mama ever tell you
Boys in leather were no good?
Guess you were never one
To follow rules.
He entered in like Dylan.
Empty handed, up for grabs.
A night time backstreet walker if I ever knew one.

One moment
Your lips taste just like hungry kisses.
The next moment
Your lips taste like wine.
There is guilt
In your face my eye quickly dismisses
As you search
For an answer in mine.
There is distance
Between us that smells just like blood,
And a presence
I simply cannot touch.
There is a shadow
Of a daydream we once called love,
And a sense
That we hoped for too much.

I hate being with you.
Because I love being with you.
My heart leaps upon seeing you.
My stomach drops at your presence.
It is wonderfully foolish.
You give me peace,
You give me comfort.
You are my home in a strange place.
You make my smiles real,
And you taught me how to cry.
You make life worth living
And you are the only thing
That makes me fear death.
You are my best friend.
You are my whole world.
You are my only light.
You have my whole heart.
I love being with you.
But I hate being with you.
Because being beside you
Makes me remember
That you belong to her.
You will never be mine.
Being beside you,
I feel alive.
I feel love,
I feel tomorrow,
I feel miracles,
And I feel the universe.
But being beside you,
I feel pain.
And the world may crash around me
And burn me to my bones,
And still I will never feel truer pain
Than when I am beside you.
Beside you
Ready to give you my all,
But you oblivious and content
Because she already is your everything.

I could hear your voice
In my head
Speaking to me
The words
You would never say:
"The time I loved you most,
Was the time I knew you least."

I am Wet and Cold.
I am Cold and Wet.
On weekly nights like these,
It seems that is all I get.
I shiver as rain drips down
From my neck onto my back.
My head down, all I see
Is the street--a shiny black.
My hair sticks so tightly,
Like a lover, clinging to my face.
Is it possible for me to find
A more disappointingly lonely place?
These walks back home, I know,
Are slowly killing me,
With rain and rust surrounding
As all I ever see.
I made it to the bridge somehow
To watch water touch itself.
I cannot seem to comprehend
How my life became this hell.
My feet dangle over the edge,
My elbows rest upon my knees.
The cold ice in my chest
I fear, just might make me freeze.
I jump without a second thought
To the river down below.
Just as I hoped, it only gets warmer
The further down I go.

I miss teenage romance
(Or was it lust?)
When the only end goal
Was ***.
Before the *** was ever had.
Back to a time
Before we knew
We had emotions,
Before we knew
There would be consequences.
Before we worried
About the morning after,
Before we worried
About the pieces of ourselves
We might leave in their bed.
Before we cared
About whether or not
They would hold us throughout the night,
Before we ever cared
About forever.

We make quiet love inside your basement
Just out of earshot of your sleeping mother,
I wonder if for the first time I have found forever,
Or if I should just add you to my list of lovers.
But there is something about the way you hold me,
Subtle safety like the walls of New York City
With both minds mutually as hideous as the other,
Heaven knows I do not need your pity.
We talk about leaving this hick town,
Getting married and moving to a different coast,
But it is nothing more than a pretty dream,
A mental escape from the things we fear the most.
Tomorrow morning everything changes,
Tomorrow morning life goes on as we do.
Tomorrow night you will find someone else,
But for the now please just pull me through.
Nothing ever stays the same in this town,
And not a single thing ever changes.
There is no such thing as ever after here,
We are eternally rats inside of our cages.
But beside you is an incomphrensible sightly sweetness,
I can not explain the way it makes me feel.
And just like the world spins at the hand of Jesus,
We are spinning like a wheel,
We will keep spinning like a wheel.

Remember those endless nights
After those cutthroat days
Where your fingers had the power
To set off one hundred nerves
With a single touch, light pinch.
It was more than enough
To make those beads of sweat
Run down the backs of my legs
And my mind to say,
"You and I must be immortals."

Fear will make you do terrifying things.

Oh, I recall you most of all.
The sun, the heat, the feeling in our hearts.

I feel like I'm turned inside out
My tenderness exposed
And ready to be destroyed.
My vulnerability is shouting.
I'm naked and alone.
Wolves are clawing at my skin
Tearing me to shreds.
Skinny and bruised.
Out of breath.
Darkness folds his hand.
Walls are melting.
Nothing at all feels right.
I'll hide my face in my arms
And hope I can forget.

I watched you breathe your last,
And, oh, how it was marvelous.
You opened the door,
Greeted death with a kiss to the cheek,
And gracefully stepped into eternity.
I had never seen such dignity.
I am certain they assigned you
The angel at the gate,
With a beauty too grand
Even for the heavens.
I am sure you are adored.
I only wish I had gone with.
If it is something lovely,
Send me an invitation.

I have seen artists
At the highest of highs
And I have seen artists
At the lowest of lows.
I have found
That at these lowest of lows
There are days
When the artist finds no other reason
To carry on
Save the fact that they feel
They have not created enough.
And this thought leaves them
With the fear and assurance
That if they die
They will remain dead
Forever and the day after.
And for this they carry on:
Waking and creating,
Waking and creating.
Until the day
When it is finally enough.

I've scrubbed off all the makeup,
Stripped of all my clothes.
I have to face my body,
Bony and blue,
Still so young,
But visibly aging.
I'd give anything
To see myself
In true state again.
The I that I was,
Young, pure, and untouched.
The I before the first sense
Of self awareness,
The I before that first
Cool, innocent cigarette,
The I before that first secret drink,
The first forced kiss,
The first basement time alone,
The first walk home to not my home,
The first flirt,
The first sneak out,
And the paranoia that came with it all.
I haven't seen that I
In far too long,
Nor do I know if I'll see her
Ever again.
But sometimes it's nice to try,
To break myself down
To my rawest state
In hopes of finding her once more.
So I'm just standing here.
Naked and my face scrubbed raw,
Being stung by those tears
I tried so hard to avoid,
Looking my I in the eye
And whispering,
"You're still in there.
I know you are.
You're still in there."
God, I hope.

What am I without you?
Am I not still a person?
Am I not still an individual
Perfectly capable
Of not just surviving
But succeeding without you?
I have tasted many lives
Before you showed your face,
And in those lives I have lived
And the lives have been grand.
Without you I am still a person.
And this person lives
And does not cease to exist
When company is not present.
But when given the choice,
Should I choose a life without you
When I am still a person,
But not nearly half the person
I am when I am with you?
Without you I am still a person whole,
But with you I am that person
And ten thousand times more.
I can live without you,
But why would I desire
To be a great person,
With the greatest part of me absent?
The part that is you
And all that you are,
Beautiful
And
Peaceful
And
Perfect.

We were young again.
You were the boy.
And I was the girl.
There was a garden
And we ran
And we ran
And we ran.
Barefoot.
Collecting new scratches
And thorns every time.
I stood on your feet
To reach your face
As we explored our innocence.
We were young again.
You were the boy.
And I was the girl.
There was a garden.
And everything was perfect.

She writes poems about people crying.
She draws people crying.
But she never cries.
She sleeps all day.
She breaks things.
She hides.
She bleeds.
She avoids.
She ignores.
She pretends.
She disregards.
She puts away.
And she stops to write
The most beautiful stories
Of people crying.
But she never cries.

*She is much too old to cry.

They said you were a monster
And how they were right.
But they never knew
How you could make me feel
Like I was in a movie.
How you could stop tears
That no one else could stop.
How you could take me miles away
Without me stepping foot outside my house.

My darling,
I will never stop loving you.
You hurt me so,
But I will never
For all my days,
Live a day without you.

All the boys talk about her
In the locker room.
They talk about her body,
And her lips,
And they all have different stories.
Sometimes I think I've seen a different girl.
The girl I see at school
Seems much different
From the girl in all the stories.
She seems shy
And sad faced daily.
I can't picture her doing all these things.
I can't even picture her at a party.
I ran into her in the hallway once.
She was coming out of the bathroom,
And it looked like she'd been crying.
I smiled at her,
But she turned her face away.
I've never even heard her speak.
But these guys tell a different story.
They love her,
They say,
They love her,
Because she'll try anything once
If you ask her.

because we were so stupidly sincere.

I never dream when I am asleep.
In fact, I hardly close my eyes.
The curse upon me from my birth
Shows its face, but in disguise.
They say that I am just an artist
Destined to live post being dead.
But deep down I know the truth:
It is just a sickness in my head.

People tell me all the time:
"You fall in love too quickly.
You will always end up hurt."
And they are right.
But not the way they think.
I have love at first sight all the time.
But not like on the screen.
My first thought is never,
"God, I want to be with him."
Instead there is a soft, sympathetic
Piece of me
That goes out to everyone I meet.
A piece of me that would be willing
To give my beating heart to a stranger.
Because I was cursed with a love,
A love that has no reason.
And so the heartbreak
Comes not from a broken romance.
But because my heart is willing
To give itself away
And is broken to find
No one else is willing to do the same.