You have charcoal on your eyelids
And dust inside your heart,
Your blood, stale and thicking,
Your mind quickly falling apart.
Yet your beauty is astonishing,
With your crooked hair and shaggy teeth,
A million miles inside your eyes,
Telling stories of love and grief.
I spotted you from afar,
And I hoped that you were him,
But when you turned and showed your face,
My light of hope went dim.
You were not the man I was looking for,
And I doubt if I shall find him again,
I just thought to tell you that you are still beautiful,
Just a man amongst the thousands of men.

It was in that moment
That I knew you were the one,
For when you touched me,
My hand did not pull away from your grasp,
And the terrifying memories
Stayed far away where they belong.
No questions or hesitations,
No shutters as before,
Just my heart leaping with feelings of ecstasy,
Praying that you never let go.

Please don't stop speaking.
Please don't ever stop.
Though I refuse your eye contact
And look away,
Believe me when I tell you
That I hear every word.
I love every word.
You could speak of nothing at all,
Ignoring that talk of death I'm so fond of
And still I'd want you next to me
Speaking in that voice
That makes you sound like you're terrified.
Please don't ever stop.
Even as I look up at you
Through eyelashes and half closed lids
Weeping like death just walked in,
Please don't ever stop speaking,
Confused as you may be.

I wish that I could give it up.
That it were only a license
Expiring over time.
But alas, it is inborn,
A divine curse, artistry is.
A curse for there is no choice.
Had there been a choice I would have ran
Far into the opposite direction.
For you could not know unless it were you.
As others only see the births,
And are ignorant as to what it is
To live with the mother inside you.
I fear she has a plan to **** me
And to use me as her means.
She plans to steal my sleep from me.
To convince me I do not deserve rest
Until his face emerges from charcoal
Or until I find a way
To make horses in water a metaphor.
She plans to make me mad
And in this moment holds the lead.
I have forgotten to eat.
I am paranoid every hour.
Someone is watching,
Something is lurking.
Sounds make me cry.
Lights hurt my eyes.
I feel people in my bed.
Even now as I write this,
There is a man standing before me
(That I am certain is not real),
Clothed in white
With an outstretched hand,
Oh so inviting.

He took a look at them
In their tattered clothes
And worn shoes,
Their filthy skin
And vacant eyes
And said,
"Send them back home."

"But sir,
They don't have one."

Though I have repeatedly tried to convince myself otherwise, in the end I always find myself believing that any true artist was given the duty only to be born, to mystify and create, and then to die.

Because you said you loved me
And I believed it.
Silly me.

You may never understand it,
But from the very first time I saw you
Before we ever spoke a word
Before we ever met
When you had only smiled at me from a distance,
I knew that from that moment on
I wanted to spend every day
Of the rest of my life
Loving you
Looking after you
Caring for you
And giving my everything
To never lose that smile.

I wish to shout from the mountain tops
Fearful that the world may hear me
Yet unashamed as it might.
I wish to sing so loudly
That it leaves the birds in awe
Having only over me their flight.
I wish to roar with the strength of the ocean
Leaving the lion
Startled and trembling.
I wish to howl with the force of an earthquake
That the earth's foundations
Are found disassembling.
I wish to toss my voice
Into the hair strands of the wind
Praying they ask me to stay.
I long to holler in the currents,
Cradle inward like a child
And ride along the waves.
I have to offer only this voice
That promises both sonnets
And prehistoric cries
With all of me pouring out,
Revealing my face
Without ever seeing my eyes.
My contribution to this world
Is my sonorous voice
And nothing else.
Hear it bounce amongst the valleys
Like the echoing
Of cathedral bells.

The feeling of his arm around her
Brought upon new feelings,
A comfort and security
That made her wish      
She could remain there forever.
But the feeling of his arm around her
Also brought back memories
That made her throat tighten,
Made her stomach lurch,
And made her pull away
Like a dog beaten one too many times.

I woke up at an ungodly hour
In search of my papers past.
And while reading them, to my dismay
Came the harsh realization at last,
That all the words I ever wrote
Have all been written in vain.
For when I wrote, it was in desire
For money, for ***, and for fame.
Have I lied to myself all these years
That I wrote because I loved it so much?
Or was it my desire for the lifestyle of an artist
That I longed for and wanted to touch?
And now, I'm in tears for I'm overwhelmed
With an alarming weight of guilt.
For who is to blame except myself
For the pain of this hell I've built?
I no longer want what I know I want
But now I long for the things I hate.
It's somewhere deep down, but I cannot find
The desire to write and create.
I've tainted myself with false intentions.
I've branded myself with lies.
So take away my pens, all my papers--
I'm sick of living in disguise.

I shall never understand myself
And how I can sell my body
So carelessly
To a complete stranger
All in order
To feel a little bit wanted
To feel a little bit noticed
To feel a little less lonely
For fifteen minutes.

Be brave. Spark a conversation.

Such a strange phenomenon
To wake up missing the person
Sleeping soundly next to you
Knowing that what you once had
Has left with the August storms,
Back to the sky
To be carried away
For the use of another.
I suppose it is only fair
To let others have a chance
At what we had.
Someone was kind enough
To do the same for us.

Oh you old man.
How could you love her,
A girl so young and beautiful??
Simple.
Because she is the sun.
She is life.
Her blushed cheeks are your mornings.
Her braids are your sanctuary.
Her spirit is your air.
They will tell you you don't belong,
You with the face of a troll
And she a goddess in grace.
But you know the truth.
You two were made for each other.
So hold her.
Cover up your ears and hold her.
Hold her close,
Hold her long,
Till death do you part.
Hold her.
Hold her and never let her go.

This time last year
You were here with me
This time last year
You and I would sleep.
Christmas this year,
A table for two filled by one.
Just my wine bottle and I,
Wondering what I've done.

It wasn't until they pretended to love me
That I felt the most alone.

Peace will turn to violence.
Rolls of thunder into silence.
As winter turns to spring
And beggars into kings,
So will babies turn to men
And buildings from the land.
Even lovers shall turn to strangers
With the passing of winds of changes.

It screams and it screams
"Wait and Remember"
But never escapes my lips.
And so it screams louder and louder
Desperate to be heard
Until it leaves me
With fingers curled around my ears,
Desperate to drown out.
Too late.
She is already deaf.

Please don't do that.
Please don't kiss me and remind me of what could be,
Visions of waking up to that kiss,
If only, if only you didn't love her.
Right as I fully dedicate
To letting my heart forget you,
There you go again.
You kissed me
"As a friend."
Some nerve you have.
Thinking you can,
Because it's on the cheek,
Therefore it's nothing.
Thinking it's nothing,
Thinking I'd think it's nothing
After you broke my heart.
Please, please don't do this.
Kiss me and walk away
With her in your arms.

Where would I find you?
Somewhere far from my heart.
I'm waiting here for you.
Waiting for life to start.
But no.
You were only a dream.
A fog lost in headlights,
Not what it seemed.
Come back once more.
Come back to me.
Away from the cold,
Out of the sea.
Come back my dream.
I fall asleep
Out of the streets.
Come back to me.

I do not quite know
How to welcome death anymore,
For she is such a frequent visitor.
I no longer greet her
Or take notice when she knocks at the door.
I know she has a key.
Every time is the same:
She walks right in,
Never asks permission.
She touches everything
And fills every corner of every room.
She only ever stays a few weeks.
Just long enough to make a mess,
And then she packs her bags.
But when she is gone
And we survey the damage,
We see she has put everything back in its place.
She does not want to look like the enemy.
But she can never be too careful.
She leaves fingerprints on everything she touches,
To remind us she was here.
To remind us she will be back.

My bed feels so empty without you in it.

I am sorry that I can not love you.
I do not.
I am sorry that I can not pretend
Just to be with you.
For though I may not love you
I know what is fair.
And you deserve to be loved honestly
Not by someone who pretends
Just to appease you.
I am sorry that I can not want you
Despite how hard I try.
I search for what matters
And it is there
But I have no desire for it.
I am sorry I can not love you back
Though you have done everything right.
You are beautiful
And you have the kindest soul.
But I do not want you.
I do not love you.
I am sorry.

It's not about what you say
How you say it,
How much you say.
It's about being next to you
When it happens.
The peace of knowing that you and I,
We breathe the same air,
For a moment.
Only a moment.
But this moment in time,
Is ever more beautiful
Because of it.

Logically, we knew it would fail,
But who thinks logically when in love?
The possibility that we might **** each other
Was not what we were thinking of.
We were warned, yes, countless times
That two artists could not be lovers.
But you fit me, and I fit you
When we hid underneath the covers.
Both obsessed and both with tempers,
You and I competed with our passions.
Both with desires to be more perfect,
Our love was but a distraction.
Our fights would end with kisses,
Our kisses would end with fights.
We went from loving to shouting
Switching out every other night.
Our last fight, do you remember?
We scattered garbage across the floor.
You slapped my cheek, I hit your chest,
And you headed for the door.
But before you made it to the street,
You turned around and grabbed my face.
You kissed my mouth, just once, but hard,
Then were gone without a trace.
Logically, we knew it would fail,
But we did it anyway.
We thought we could trick love,
Be the ones to get away.
Escape the fate that beheld us,
Be the exception to reality.
All the pain we could have spared us
If we had managed to think logically.

Some days I look at you and I
And realize that I
Will never be more to you
Than ten painted fingernails
Two smooth legs
One hundred thousand wavy locks
A pair of red hot lips
And one body to touch.
I think that one day
You will find a girl to love.
To really, really love.
You will find a girl to love
And leave me alone in your room.
And who am I to be offended??

And though I know I should, I just can not let you go. For I am convinced that you are the most beautiful thing that has ever entered my life, and I would be a fool to let you walk away.

The difference between us
And everyone else
Was that everyone else
Lived as a part of something bigger,
All realizing
That they were destined to die.
We on the other hand
Were two lost wanderers,
Unaware of a picture at all,
Both desperate
And determined to die.

A snowy everything
Or complete heat
Is the only time I feel
This awakening
From mindless sleep
And wounds that never healed.
I walk along
The power lines
No beginning and no end.
I hide my face
In dark disguise--
A stranger with no friends.
No words to me,
I have no ears.
A vagabond through space.
A desert song
That no one hears,
A pale and dusty face.
The sound of snow
The curls of heat
Bring this feeling back to me.
I hate it, still,
Do not ever leave,
Dear feeling from the sea.

She smells like the summers of India,
Heat radiating from her skin,
Her eyes two green planets on our own.
I can see her through the window,
Wrapping paper thin Egyptian cotton
Tightly around her *******.
I know not to stare,
But her beauty wraps its fingers around my neck.
When she is finished she will stand back,
Gaze at herself in the mirror.
She just might cry,
Like I have seen her do nights before.
In early morning
She will step onto the balcony.
Rising before the dew touches the earth.
I know not the first thing about her,
Save the glory of her beauty.
Perhaps I shall never know more.
No,
I know not the first thing about her,
But she loves to watch the sun rise.

I know you never loved me.
Or if you did,
It was only ever for a moment.
Which then demands the question,
Was that even love??
Love is not short and fleeting.
Love is lasting and intentional.
You never loved me, I know.
But sometimes it is nice,
To rearrange those memories
And pretend that one of those smiles,
Meant something.

At night I feel my heart breaking
As the space between us in bed
Grows further and sickeningly colder,
The truth now exposed and spread.
Tomorrow morning one of us will rise
Before the other knows it is day.
We will both be in the same room
Yet somehow miles away.
And at night we will do it all over,
Starting at the end of the day.
Both of us on either edges of the bed
Wondering why in the world we stay.

When I stand beside you two,
It takes everything inside of me
To smile and tell you I am well.
But when I see you walk away,
I wonder how I ever thought
That this would not hurt like hell.