Turns out the joke's on me yet again...
Monsters don't really disappear when the light comes on.
And they don't hide when you shine the light on them either.

No. Instead they rise up. They grow to fill the space that was created by spotlighting them and become ready-


To be the star of a show that you helped to curate.






I thought for certainty that talking to you about my depression would somehow alleviate it in some way...
           
                             but it didn't...

I actually feel more like I'm recessing further since we spoke about this

Like I just let the demons out to run a muck instead of putting them down  to rest.

So instead of hurting me when I'm alone, it happens any time now.
When ever it likes

                               It  feeds



and I feel it eating me...
                                              
                 ­ and I want it to
-

I'd be lying if I said I never saw this coming.
I did, I just didn't think it'd get to this point,
that we'd get to this point.

But here I am and there you are.
You see, the two of us aren't even a "we" anymore,
because no combination of you and I
will ever again form that connection,
not after what you did.

I'm truly sorry things had to happen this way,
but I'm not sorry I ever loved you,
because that's not something I'd want to forget.
And I don't think you should forget it either.

I'm sorry you had to make the decision you did,
but I'm not sorry that by the time you'd made up your mind,
I'd already made up mine.

I'm sorry you acted on your feelings
before you knew what they truly were,
but I'm not sorry for that night
and the way we felt about each other.

And lastly, I'm sorry you hurt me.

And I hope that someday,
you're strong enough to admit
that you're sorry too.

"They took my mom off life support"

That was how our conversation started
My friend cried
he never cries...

I just stare back at him
feeling nothing, but I am crying too

My brain is re-enacting an action without meaning

copy, paste
copy, paste
copy, paste

We cry together

He hugs me and I hug him back
I think how hot he feels
like a fever of grief

His tears are soaking through my shirt, collecting against my skin and sliding down
one by one towards my heart

I can't feel anything anymore... just him
I want to, but I can't... or won't

I know I have all the right words filed away for such a situation

Cue card apologies
Voice recordings in my head on repeat
Other peoples words... not mine

I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so...
I'm not sorry

I'm sad for you...
yes... that belongs to me
that I can say

We hug again
He feels like a wildfire against my cold exterior

I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm... tired of all the pretending

My feelings are currency without value here
so I keep them hidden

I'm not sorry
I can't be
It's not my fault
never was

Cancer can't be my fault, and my currency
well, we both know it has no value to buy back those tears

So, no... I'm not sorry
Those are someone else's words

She told me she wanted to die
But if she were to jump into a lake She would still be holding her breath

I told her to swim to the bottom of the pool,
and once she ran out of air,
come back up,

She said no,
But what she doesn't know
is that your body forces you to come up for air,
even before you run out
You are not put on this planet to die I said

You are put here to live,
This god made you exist for a **** reason
Your job in this world is to find your purpose
And to live through the hunting season

She told me she wanted to die
But if she were to jump into a lake She would still be holding her breath

And if standing on a tall building she would say she wanted to fly
But she wouldn't take a step off just stand there and stare

Make it short and sweet,
Maybe a comical relief
Getting hit by a bus
But then her clothes would tear

I told her you don't wanna die
Just wanted it to be over
She said those were the same thing
I said maybe, but one is a forever goodbye

Go pick a 4 leaf clover
And then you'll see
That life is more than you ever thought it would turn out to be

He said “one is lonely” I said
One isn’t lonely,
One is confident,
One is independent and doesn’t need help from another to make it happy,

One is the beginning,
One is the start to something that can go on forever,
One is me,
One is you,
One can do anything it sets its mind to,

One doesn’t need a second opinion because it’s opinion is the best one,
One says i love you and doesn’t need to hear it back,
Because one isn’t lonely