Reservation had me firmly seated.
Curiosity got me leaning forward.
Discovery took hold of my hand.
Enthusiasm rang in my ears.
Excitement and Joy had me laughing.
Nerves sent ripples across my body.
Jitters and Eagerness held me as lips locked.
Elation shortly follows as a sincere smile is recognized..
Adventure sits in the seat next to me as I drive home..
.. Confusion turns out all the lights...
Silence keeps me lost.. for days..
Worry leaves a chill I can't shake.
Anxiety wraps its hands around my throat.
Depression floods my lungs.
Eventually.... Anger erupts.

The hardest dose of
You don't know
What you have
Till it's gone

It couldn't be
Anymore
Painful
To swallow

No, I don't think
It was selfish of you
At all.

You were just
Following your heart.
While I was denying mine.

I wish I had fought for you
As hard as you
Fought for me..

You've been appearing in my dreams.
It's the only time I get to see you now.
I remember the last few times
We were together you were hesitant.

Hesitant and anxious
To hold my hand.
Thinking
I would pull away.

In my dreams, it's you
Who pulls away.
I manage to hold your hand
After a gentle effort

Such grace you carry yourself
I'm enthralled...

But I fall apart in your arms.
I can't keep myself together.
Last I remember
We were in each other's embrace.

You took your time calming me
While I was collapsing in your hands.

I wake up
To the heavy and pounding
Beat of my heart.
The silence in the room is too much.

I turn and reach for you.
Wanting to pull you closer
Keeping us together.
But you're no longer here.

It's just me now in this cold and silent room.
Oh, what I would give to wake up
In the middle of the night
With you sleeping soundly against my chest.

My alarm won't be going off
For a few more hours.
And I won't be getting anymore sleep Tonight.

You told me once
How you tried your hardest
Not to fall in love with me.

You found out
It was the easiest thing
You've ever done.

Loving myself
Well...
....that's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I've been bruised all over.

Had my shoulder torn out of place

Ribs cracked from a solid blow.

My brow split open. Didn't even notice it.

Found myself out-numbered once, and stood my ground.

I've come across pain plenty, but I have rarely felt hurt.

Hurt doesn't come in the form of conflict.

It comes in through words.

Words are what hurt.

I've fallen to my knees because of words.

I have felt my whole world sink from the sheer weight of what's been said or what has been left in writing.

Words have left me in tears.

Words have left me gasping for air...

Words can leave their own scars if they cut deep enough.

....So does Silence..

The end of a Chapter.
One which you wrote the last page of.
Every word of it
Cut so deep.
No shred of malice.
No, just the truth.
All of it.
Truths I already knew. And some
Kept out of sight for far too long.
I finished reading
Felt my world tremble
And sobbed heavily in the arms of a close friend.
Lost my voice by the end of the night.
I lost considerably more than that
By the end of this Chapter.

Those ****** Teeth and Talons
Always present
Constantly digging deeper into my skin.
Snagging on bone
I knew what it would mean
Dragging this part of me
Out into the sunlight.
My arms, chest, neck, and face
Are all carved into by the piece of me
That wants to stay behind the tall grass and shadows.
It's hard to see with all the blood getting in my eyes.
This writhing mass slipping out of my crimson stained hands.
But I keep a steadfast grip.
I wasn't prepared for it to hurt this much.
I wasn't prepared for it to hurt those I loved either.
My hands are exhausted.
My breathing is labored.
Bloodstained tears running down my face and chest.
It's hard to remain standing. It would be so much easier to collapse.
-
Suddenly it doesn't hurt to breathe
The wounds remain but the pain isn't there.
I don't feel so tired.
I don't feel as if I'm fighting myself anymore.
I'm starting to see what others see in me.
-
Again I wasn't prepared
For my pain to hurt those that I love.
With no more blood in my eyes
I look to see that someone I truly loved, who truly loved me,
Has left.
Hurt by what she had to do to save herself.
I couldn't hear anything, and I didn't feel it at first.
But I look down to see that awful and familiar mass of black had impaled me.
This was a different kind of pain.
Something I've never felt before.
Something I've never heard before either.
It was me crying over the woman
Tgat was there for me
Every step of the way.
Fighting tooth and nail,
many times with me,
Who is now no longer
In my life.

"Can we do something for each other?
Sort of a pact....
I feel like I don't have to say this
Since we are how we are but....
I look at relationships in a different light.
More meaningful, more energetic,
More open, more direct, more vulnerable
Than any "relationship" I've ever previously experienced
Or have seen others experience.
When I said I'd be your girlfriend,
It may as well meant wife as well
Because that's how I am
And thats what you will receive.
Too often you see people miserable,
Argue, possess, slander, abuse etc.
I don't want any of that with you.
So can we agree
To never keep thoughts or feelings from one another,
Good or bad....
Never speak to each other
Out of our name,
Never low blow,
Never raise our voice,
Humans will always disagree
But I plan to fully handle myself and emotions
With Tact, Self Control, Discipline, Respect
And Grace.
I will always support growth and understanding
And I promise to give you my best.
I believe we are both very capable of all of this. 
And it will keep us both happy and healthy."




....... close to a year ago and I still remember reading these words for the first time.

The songs from years ago
That used to pull
So ******* my heart strings..

The same ones that left me
Gasping for air thinking about you
And what could have been......

The same beautifully sad songs that left
So many holes
In my chest......

Are nothing more than beautifully sad songs.
I no longer feel my world
Collapsing in on itself anymore.

I've learned never to give my heart away
So easily.

I don't really know
If I ever will again.

Love is nothing more
Than a myth to me.

So is Happiness...

I say this not with joy,
Nor satifaction.

My tears are no longer worth spilling
For anybody else.

I gave everything to someone I truly loved.
That I believed in a future with.

A woman that I thought was perfect for me.
I felt I lost everything when I lost her.. For the second time.

I'm much too scared to reach out to her.
Scared anything I say

Will only be used
To cut me down.

The most important lesson I can think of presently
Is to never let anyone that close again..
Even if you believe they are your future..

They have such ease
At showing you how foolish you are.

They can show you how much
You don't know about yourself..
And finally,

How little you can even trust yourself.
Those **** Teeth and Talons, ever present,
Remain deeply anchored into my skin.

I wish you could see how beautiful your life really is.
How your smile brings forth
Such light, and promise.

But you cannot see what's right in front of you
Because you won't look up..
I saw it. The moment I met you.

I wish I could see how wonderful my life could be....

I can't see anything.
Because no such wonder exists
In my forgetful, unremarkable
World.

Dark clouds overhead on this warm summer evening
Makes the green on the trees bold and heavy.
The contrast of the pale yellow skies make the clouds almost black and seething.

A slowly approaching monolith with its tendrils uncoiling. Silently.
Reaching out.

Those Teeth and Talons buried deep into me
Whatever they belong to has itself planted to the ground.
Almost anticipating the coming storms.
Seems whatever is holding onto me
Is ready to weather what comes my way.

Despite what I've known about them this whole time.. maybe it's here for me.
Am I crazy to think this?

Whatever storm comes into view
Surely they can't tear me away.

I can feel a wind pick up.
The air getting cooler.
And the hair on my neck stands up on end.
A deep slow rumble breaks the silence.

They're not sinking in,
But they are holding fast..
Those **** Teeth and Talons



.....Bring on the deluge..

Do you remember the first night I sang to you?
When you first laced your fingers with mine?
..Our first kiss?
Do you remember when I knocked on your door with flowers?
Do you remember the first time I handed you a black envelope with a poem written for your eyes only?
The first time waking up with your head on my chest?

I remember... oh so vividly..

How many times
Will I let my heart crack and break
For you?

As many times
As it takes
For you to see you are worth breaking for.

I didn't think I could hurt anymore
Then I finally ran into you

You brought meaning into my life.
You gave me a reason to want to rush out of bed when I awoke.

All of the troubles that held me back
****** off.

My pulse came back
My smile returned.

Friends could see I was actually smiling.
The sun couldn't even radiate the warmth I possessed.

Then you walked away..
And I found myself struck with this all too familiar pain again.

Humble..
That's what I hear.
Honest..
That's what I believe..
Sad
That's all I feel.
...Silence..
That's all I receive.

Teeth.... and talons..
They sink deep

Not the first time.
Just deeper than before.

Across my skin
Ever present

I bled only the first time
Only scars remain.

Tears don't break anymore
Not as often

But when they do..
..Oh, how hard do they break...

Another Fall fast approaching
Time hasn't slowed down
..Spring was such a blur..

It won't be just the leaves turning
         And falling this year.
I don't know if my heart can fall
                              Any further than it has.

Broken and bruised
Laying in pieces on the ground.
.....I think I'll just leave it there this time...

I still think about you,
And haven't stopped
Missing you.

I know you're still weathering your storms.
Soon enough
Those clouds will pass.

I've learned enough to know
You've overcome such dark
And heavy clouds before.

As much as I wholeheartedly
Would love to see a relationship
Blossom between us..
I understand that may very well not be in the future.

Simply put, I don't want to see a future
Where you are not in it.
Even if that blossoming only goes as far
As a gentle friendship..

I am not the forgiving type.

You expect, after so many years,
You'd receive an open hand.

Don't ever suppose for
That day to crawl forward.

You were cut out of my life
Much like a malignant tumor.

..Motionlessly reduced to a phantom limb..
One that should have stopped moving long ago.

I needn't remind you
How much of a friend you were..

..to me..

This time the pages just came to life..
A story I didn't think possible...

Heart fluttering
With every page turned.

Hard to believe..
This was really happening...

Waking up to the rhythmic beating
Of a happy heart

Every morning
I was looking forward to reading what comes next.

---------------

...Words began to fade out once again....
...Pages... start to tear.. once again...

Another book on the shelf.
Another story without an ending

I remember the last few words cutting me so deeply.

Dreamt I went back in time and found you.
Found you standing just outside the courtyard of school.
I walked up wondering how you would take me.
To my surprise it almost seemed as if you were expecting somebody.
Your smile was big and radiant.
You didn't know who I was, yet you were delighted to see me.
I told you that you may have just met me,
but in another time we actually know each other very well.
Not a trace of concern or suspicion could I find in your eyes.
...You must have known I was coming..
The sun was shining bright.
And your laughter was intoxicating. Even in my dream.
The feeling was fleeting..
For the morning light nudged me out of slumber.

If we must suffer
Why not choose how we suffer?

I knew as soon as my emotions
Began stirring
Talking to you
What was bound to happen

This is how I choose to suffer.

It will hurt, yes.
But wounds heal.
With what fleeting time I have with you
If suffering is the cost... where do I sign?

Never before could I open up
To someone I immediately gravitated towards.
With you all those troubles, worries, and anxieties
They don't have such a hold over me anymore.

Again, this is how I choose to suffer..

What I think is special
When we say our goodbyes
We will part with much less Emptiness inside
Than when we first met.

Life is suffering.


...And I will suffer well..

Even in the face of all your laudations
Almost tear inducing words
It will be so terrible when you find out
What happens next..

Such praise surely would
Have tempted this man from walking off.
At least everyone in their right mind
Would have concurred.

... But that is just not so in the mind
Of someone so bull headed.
So rigid in thought.
So unyeilding in person.

Like any branch
It will let out such
An unnerving snap
When the stress proves too much.

And no one will be ready for it.

You've made so many enemies
With so many wolves.

All because you chose
To shun one of them away.

They don't even know your name,
But they bare their teeth all the same...

Seemed as if we were both reading the same book.
I knew one of us would outpace the other.
..Most likely it would be me.
I guess I am too eager to see what unfolds on the next few pages.

But for whatever reason, and with no warning, you put your book down.
The rest of the pages in my book become empty.
Flipping back and forth doesn't help.
As soon as the pages start to tear I realize I have to put mine down now.

This isn't the first story I've found where the words just disappear.
No happy ending.
No ending at all..
Just another unfinished adventure...

It's difficult for me
To keep my emotions
From running off,
And to keep my troubles
From catching up
When someone like you
Shows up.

You came into view
And I couldn't hold back the tears.
I embraced you with everything I had.

There wouldn't be much time if any.
I knew I was dreaming,
And I desperately wished I wouldn't wake up.

My sobbing turned to tremors.
And yet you were calm.
At peace.

Felt like you knew I needed to see you again.
To tell me it was okay you were not here anymore.
The tears still burn my face as I write this all down.

It's so pleasing to have your breath
Just taken away
When you think that could never happen
Again.

It wasn't obvious in the beginning.
Her face gingerly held in my hand
Lips so pleasantly inviting
...And she didn't stop kissing.....

What a rush..
When I realized I needed
To take a breath.
The euphoria.. wasn't prepared for that.

The kisses kept coming
So sweetly and softly.
...And with a teasing bite of my lip she concluded,
"Now go home."

She must have known not to spoil me
Anymore and I would have had trouble leaving.
Barely-there ripples danced across my skin.
With one more gentle kiss and a quiet smile I had bid her goodnight.

Without a Queen
What is a crown
To a King?

"Just another storm outside," she sighed.
The windows quietly rattle
From the distant thunder,
And the panes softly reflect
The obscure taps of raindrops.

The storm is of no importance.
Relaxed, she continues writing
Engrossed in the life
The storm would not shake..
..Nor could it tempt her back..

Her thunder was more marvelous than this storm could ever invoke.

My skin is hard and weathered
As is the asphalt that lays bare
And bleached by the sun's rays.

Your words are the childish chalk
Scribbled across and littering the road
Right in front of our home

And your treason is the hushed rumble
Of chilled autumn rain washing your despairing apologies
Down the gutter at the end of the street

A bird
Without it's wings..

Such a tragedy.

Sometimes..

It's best to say nothing,
Do nothing,
And pay attention.

Some convictions connot
Soley be served through
Mere words alone.

Again, pay attention
To what isn't being said.
Sometimes.. the silence tells you everything.

Such a shame when a bird
Has yet to spread it's wings

Spent it's whole life
Perched on an outreached branch

Every attempt at flight
Means another climb back up the tree.

Eventually the bird will leave it's perch
But not by flight.

I had a dream about you.
Tears were dancing slowly down your face.
You didn't have to tell me
I knew you were hurt.

It wasn’t over something I did.
But rather, what I didn't do.
Felt helpless seeing you upset.
Poised, but about to fall apart.

I was taken aback
When you didn't storm off.
Instead, you came forward
And wrapped your arms around me.

Laying down with me
You settled your head across my chest.
Breathing starting to ease
While I ran my fingers through your hair.

It wasn't until you fell asleep
Quietly in my arms
Did I suddenly wake up.
And you weren't there.

I've come to the realization
There will be more pain in my future.
I will be running into more hurt
Just when I wonder if I've endured
All that is to be expected.
There so much struggle
That I can't begin to imagine.
I will find myself out of breath again soon enough.
My bones.. my heart will break again
And I'll never be ready for that.
No matter how many times
I so gingerly mend myself back together.

A final cough.
The last bit of ***** escapes my lips…
Doesn't matter how much I drink.
Thoughts of you still linger

When I stumble to my car
When I veer towards home
When I finally trip onto my bed…

No matter how far I travel
Your face.. your smile..
Is right behind me.

I can't even give the next one a chance
When your ghost still haunts me..
Seven years later
And I still dream of chasing you.

Only to wake up when there's no hope left
In catching up to you.

And here I lay
Listening to the same
God. ****. song..
Fighting back tears..
For the one person I wish
Was standing next to me tonight
Is most certainly locking lips
Holding on tightly
To someone else
Because they were ready.
They didn't have any shell
To cast off like I do.
They didn't need someone
To give them a hand
And help them up to their feet.
Not a question in my mind
You went to sleep tonight nuzzled
Deep in their chest
Peacefully asleep
Knowing you were loved.

And here I am
Wondering how long
Would it take
For a heart to break
From just enough broken heartstrings.
For I've lost count
As to how many
******* chords were struck
And they all sang
Such a mournful melody
Wishing they were no longer struck
With such promise.
Only to break..
Over... and over again..

It could very well be
The amount of pain I'm in
Tonight.

The shortness of breath..
Struggling to swallow
One more gulp of air.

The flush red complexion
Hinting across my face, chest, and shoulders.
The years of erosion in my eyes.

I see all of this in my reflection,
And yet..
..For a fragmentary moment..

I caught the glimpse of someone I aspire to be.

Every time I think of someone
I think of them dancing.
I think of us dancing together.
And with each one they have their own dance.

I can imagine their excitement,
Their sweet laughter
And how much they are just living
The moment.

If only I knew how to dance
I wouldn't be forced to imagine
What it would be like to see them smile.
If I knew how I would dance all night.

Seems no one can prove me wrong.
And I keep tripping over myself..

Glimmer of hope falsely announces itself
And, of course, my eyes light up at the possibilities..

This time, as always, seems different..
.. As always.. I'm left naked. Vulnerable.

Beautiful surfaces reflecting
The brilliant bright light of day.
Serene landscapes capturing
What may not ever be seen again.

An artist devoted to his work of art.
A lifetime of practice
Stealing
An instant of time in his still life's.

What achievements
They have made
With their craft.
Such a shame

He's only killing himself and others with his masterpieces.

I eat the dead..
I carve up the pieces
I sink my teeth into
What. Once. Was..

Sometimes I hesitate,
But I cannot stop
This hunger that seethes
Deep down inside..

Clawing from within
Demanding I appease
Its voracious needs
And uncontrollable hatred

I've become something
I wish not to be.
No one can have sight
Of this display of submission.

Deep down there is but only one fear..
Never finding my next victim.
Unable to consume their flesh.
Thus I must consume my own.