to eighteen years,
first times and lasts
crushes on boys that never liked back
friendships and heartbreak
growing up too fast
places and faces
scents and  laughs
lessons learned, second chances
scraped knees and full hearts
new books, different chapters
old songs, favorite parts

to new beginnings,
mistakes and coffee stained chats
long drives, adventures
let's cheer to that

here's
to eighteen years
young or old
to not merely exist
but to live
what life unfolds.

if home is where the heart is, i guess you're homeless.

if you asked me five years ago if i would ask you why if i had the chance to, i would tell you yes in a heartbeat without a beating in my heart. your pedestal has sat so high that it has taken my lifetime to knock it down- but it's hurt the builder more than the royal sitting on the throne. i never wanted anything from you except your time and if that's wrong then i'm sorry that i bothered; but for loving you i won't apologize for.
if you asked me a month ago if i would ask you why if i had the chance to,
i'd leave my answer as empty as the way you left me.

one thing that i've learned about time
is that it doesn't slow down
for me, for you, for them
the days are flying by
like a car
swerving past me on the road
dancing around
the brink of life
the brink of death
and i'm trying to catch
my breath
people are coming and leaving
as i blink my eyes
and i can't make them
stay
time scares me
it's demanding
and i'm not ready
to take orders
it gets better in time,
it gets worse in time
i'll get better in time,
i'll get worse
in time.

thinking about you is like glimpsing through my old photo albums and realizing that you were looking at her this whole time; dancing to the songs i showed you, playing you back in my head like a record but the player broke and now all i have are these unsaid goodbyes and hellos. knots and ties in my stomach by a boy scout for a badge.
well now you're just another album  taking up space.

i can't begin to understand why you do what you do or say the things you say but you weren't meant to be understandable; you're not mine to figure out and that frustrates me. not that you're not mine but that someone else has the pleasure of knowing you in a way that i couldn't.

they say broken things are beautiful
well dear, i'm the prettiest thing
you've seen
with crooked edges
flawed imperfections
shattered pieces of you
reflecting in pieces
of me
but i can't be put together
like your old dollhouse
i'm not your doll
sewing my scars
for others not to see
i don't need to be fixed
"broken things are beautiful"

how simple is love, if you could just walk out the door, and have them fall into your arms
how simple is love, if you could long for company and have them racing to you like the pace of your heart
how simple is love, if you could just place your hands against their cheeks, so simple yet satisfying as when your tongue tastes the light of the sun
how simple is love, if you could have them within reach, like most material things so irrelevant and what are considered wants over needs
how simple is love, if you could have them close, too close by your sheets that they become the comfort and the air that you breathe
how simple is love, if you could wake up and have the presence of their weight felt, whether a phone call away or an inch
how simple is love, if i could simply have you here, whenever i need you the most for a kiss
how simple are all these things, and the love we view as bliss, like those we read in between pages and paragraphs, a crisscross of how two people meet

yet in between these pages and lines, are the stories and words that have yet to unfold
and i was not aware of what i had to hold before my eyes

i cannot feel you by the tips of my fingers, nor can i walk out the door to find myself welcome to your arms and kiss
i can only long for your company, praying that my heart will not leap out of my chest, because i know that no one will come racing to claim for the lifeless body, and i will be buried under, nailed and coffin closed, sadly like the rest
i cannot have you within reach, i can only surround myself with all of these temporary wants and in time, i know, i will no longer need
i will suffocate underneath these sheets, and your weight will not be felt because you are miles and miles apart, separated by sea, not an inch
and i cannot return back the love you need but i will continue to love you nonetheless, without growing tired and weary, no matter if i am even close to death, and to me, this is the simplest love can get

these are the stories and paragraphs that have yet to unfold
in between the lines are these words of a love we all view as bliss, a crisscross of how two people meet
and this was the only thing i had myself to prepare for

the story i grew up being told

n.j.