You were one of those boys
Who I'd known since I was 4,
And who got confirmed in the
Christian faith
Six weeks ago.

One of those boys
Who joked around in class
In a way that made the tescher smile.

One of those boys
Who I was happy to have in my squad
For gym
Because I knew we would win
Team Handball.

He was a guy
Who was completely comfortable
If I referanced second grade,
Even if my memory
Embarrassed him.

Someone who was so happy
To go to highschool
And be on the football team,
And who had already made friends
With all the players.

And he was one of those boys
Who we all knew
Would be the one to score the winning goal.

I thought that he would always be there.
Because boys like Bennett Rill are rare.

It was supposed to be fun.

New school, new supplies,
Thin, neon highlighters glowing inside
Vera Bradley backpacks.

Skinny folders assigned to
Pointless subjects,
Which would be fattened
With pointless homework
By the end of the day.

It was supposed to be fun,
And for a little while, I forgot.

I forgot until History.

The new teacher hadn't lived here
Longer than a week,
Which was why he was
Excited
About teaching.

He had on a brand new tie
From Banana Republic
Which was obviously tied
By his wide eyed fiance.

His classroom was bare, as he explained,
"Don't worry,
I ordered posters yesterday."

The teacher wasn't the problem.

The problem was,
Between Richardson
And Roberts,
He still existed.

At least in the school system he did.

"Ashley Paulette?"
"-Here."
"Abby Richardson?"
"-Here."
"Bennett Rill?"

And my life shattered all over again.

The silence felt
Deafening.

Remembering how he wouldn't be there.
Not ever.

"Bennett Rill?"

The teacher was confused, looking around the room
For someone
Who was buried six feet under.
Someone who the teacher might've thought
Was sick, or vacationing.

It was supposed to be fun.
But then I remembered

And so the summer ends
with a sparkle and a bang.
The brilliant flash of a firecracker
a pleasure gone to soon.
The time has flown
and now goodbyes must be said.
As the Autumn creeps back to chill.
I'll wait for the snow
and its soft falling.
To bring me back my darling,
so wait for me by the sycamore tree.
As the leaves turn green once more
and the spring will bloom for us, dear.
The spring will bloom for us.

Why does everyone always think I'm in love?
Sure, it looks like it.
The signals all point to it.
When I see her, I smile
When I hear her, I smile

When I think of her, I smile

Yes, those are clear aspects as to why I love her.
Well, I'm not capable of love
I don't know how to love
I don't know how to be in love
I don't know what love feels like

I don't know what love is

And yet, this one time, I thought I finally knew
It isn't what a dictionary tells you
Nothing can compare to the real feeling
Words cannot explain what love is.
However, words can build love
Words can build trust

But words can destroy these as well

I cant love, at all
That's obvious of course,
You have to speak from experience
And I tried, I did, I really tried
And not only did i fail

I failed twice

I tried too less and I tried too much
I don't know what exactly 'enough' is
But I guess "there is never enough"
Does not apply for love
I lost both wars and now there's one left to face

But that is a story for another time

They say "home is where the heart is"
Whoever 'they' are I hope they're wrong or are they right?
If they're right, then my heart is toxic and horrible
And I perfectly agree with that
No one should be poisoned by the toxic waste inside me

So i tried to give it away, to see if someone would love
A toxic heart

Looking back now, I saw how bad of an idea that was
Who would love a heart that was not only disgusting, but was deadly
I've made a mistake, two mistakes that outweigh all the other mistakes I've made
It's hard to make mistakes like this
They hurt, bad.
So to summarize it all,

Never give harmful things to others

So don't say I'm in love
I didn't even fall out of it
I was pushed away from it
And I guess I deserved it

But I do know the dictionary definition of love
It sums up all the things I know and deserve
So what do I deserve?

love - n. (tennis)