My hands smell like smoke, But I haven't used a ciggerate in three years, My breathe smells like liquor, But I haven't drank in ages, Maybe I'm dreaming, Maybe I'm dead, Is this hell? Inside my head, Maybe the LSD finally kicked in
I go through each day aware in the darker corners of my mind that you are wrapped throughout and around every part of me that is alive. there is a setting on my brain set to your name there is a hum in my ears that oddly resembles your voice when you first wake up in the morning there is a vague tingling on the tips of my fingers that mimics the silk fabric of your skin it’s as if you painted the freckles on my body, you molded its curves, you dipped each strand of hair in color and stenciled my irises with your reflection. I will hold you, as you have held me.
Me: who pretended everything was okay because it had to be, There was no other way; Or You: who built the person you needed to be on A foundation of snow.
When our time came it wasn't okay And the snow had long since melted.
Me: who ran to fall apart and begin picking up pieces as best I could - I'm not whole, but there are things I'm learning; Or You: who crumbled to the world, clutching at redemption - Your fear was always your best friend.
Of all the scattered fragments, Was it enough to salvage our own?
Me: who gets through the day by day with steady paces and guilt; **Or You:
you asked me why I smoke as frequent as I do but what do you do to satisfy a longing that could never be expressed? there are many things I wish I could tell you but I inhale my every intention to speak
why do most want a love that is detrimental? a love that shatters your teeth as you try to speak a love that inflicts a stream of butterflies or makes you appear as if you've had too much caffeine by the way your delicate being shakes
I have shaken and clamped my tongue this time to stop the promises from leaking out I decline to drink coffee so you don't believe I'm quivering with words unspoken
I decline to mention that I dream of your face in the future looking worn from every obstacle we have hurdled through in our years I decline to mention every morning that you're softly breathing sleep I hold your face and softly mumble "mine" I decline to mention my excess of "I love you's" is caused by an unshakable longing to promise a forever. but why? why does it seem so unattainable why do I reject the thought of a promise to you for something so precious?
I am tired of shaking I am tired of a placebo I'm tired of over used empty apologies I'm tired of reminiscing remembering " I will always love you" "forever" I am tired of my lovers thoughts being elsewhere I am tired I am worn my butterflies have turned into the ash I flick off my cigarettes
I used to write novels for the people in my life I've loved until I saw how empty others were while doing the same I used to whisper "I love you" and sweet meanings. I have experienced the truly empty of this world I have loved the damaged the angry the sad and the broken
they spoke a hollow shell of the same words i purred with meaning Suddenly I lost my appetite for