When I lay in bed at night and try to write you are the only thing that comes to my mind.
You push out every other single thought I have and your face pops into my mind.
Darling why?
Why do that to me, why are you gone and trying to get with my best friend after I told you I was in love with you forever and you said those same words oh not so long ago?
Cant I be good enough?
I want to be your everything but you want me to be your nothing.
I'm sorry I'm not pretty and I'm sorry I'm not a size two like her but
My love for you is as big as the moon and the sun and all the stars in the sky
But you don't care
All you wanted was to get in between me and I let you.
Now you gone. Gone forever.
Funny how forever can be used in so many different ways.

I'm not special. I never was. I'm sliver when most people are gold. I never expected someone to stay. I always knew there are people better in the world that catch your attention. It's not like I'm anything at all. I can't do much. Sing. Dance. Play ball. Can't do nothing at all. I'm some girl who holds you back when you want more. I'm ******* myself and I know that. But someone like you who meant the world to me hurts me with words that I'm not good enough. I know I'm not. I never was. It's hard to be happy when words repeat in my mind. It's hard to feel wanted when I'm not wanted as much anymore. Some girls are out of your ledge then what dose that make me? Nothing? Temporary until you become out of my ledge? Some people aren't meant to be loved but I always thought we were good.

It's 11:42 pm and I have to be up at 8am. That's 9 hours from now and I don't think that's enough time for my mind to rest. My mind is never at rest and I don't know why that is. It's a consent thing that keep thinking and moving and playing with my body and I kinda don't like it. If I could sit and pull each and every piece of faded red hair out if my head id rather do that then think for 9 hours and 15 mins.  Id rather drown myself then think about every mistake that I have made and every countless thing that made me who I am today. being alive is just a chore I don't want anymore. I'm so sick of wanting everything to be okay and perfect when life never has been. It never will be and I'm not okay with that. I don't want more, I want nothing. I want my mind to stop telling me that everything is wrong and your not here for me. I can never get the words out and I can't play this game of not knowing everything is fine. Everything is not fine and I'm a mess and I can't understand why you are still here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me. Everything comes to me at once and I don't know how to deal with it without cutting away or sounding like a teenage girl who just started highschool. I'm afraid to jump without understanding what I would be leaving be hide. Am I leaving anything be hide? Am I just a space that you found? Am I your whole heart or just the empty space no one ever filled?

I like it when you whisper in my ear
"You like that baby?"
Your hands touch me and I can't help but make sounds of pleasure
The way you grab my hip, push me down and press your lips against mine. Glancing at me with passion as you slip your hands down my pants making me want more. Don't think I don't like when you tease the **** out of me. When you take control and rip my pants off. My legs wrapped around your head begging for more. Taking my hands and grabbing that thick black hair of yours pushing you farther in. Getting you on top of me is like a summer night so hot but you can't go inside and cool off cause that summer heat controls you. I think my way of being ***** is when I breath into your ear and bite ever so softly on it. Although I like you ******* the **** out of me all I want is you in my arms falling asleep with me.

What's the difference of being in love and wanted to be with him for all of entirety? Is it that I want to be as happy as I was a year ago on the 19th or is it that the only reason I look into your eyes is because I see and smell home. Safe, taking these bloodly arms and making them hole and new again. If you plan to leave then never tell me. Leave in silence never tell me that you want something new or I don't shine in your eyes anymore. Only tell me that you want to lay with me forever and the nightmares are gone as soon as I touched your chest. I think I'm in love. But why I'm I so afraid to Admit that? Is it cause I don't want to wake up and you be gone away with someone else's heart? I don't want my heart to be open and have to cut and tear away at it just to make the pain stop again. No I won't do it. Your different. Your eyes tell me that. Your eyes are everything I've ever wanted. Your so close to me and I just can't help but always touch you in someway. I Don't wanna be scared to open my heart and let someone new crawl in. I'm Not scared anymore. I love you no, I'm in love with you and I'll will tell you when your as close to me as you are right now. There's a difference of being in love and loving someone. The way your eyes look at me when I'm turned away is the reason I know you don't ever wanna leave. I hope mine look the same to you cause darling, if I stay I'm staying forever.

This child was a mistake. I'm sorry daddy might not be there. I've loved him more then life itselfs. But sometimes love isn't enough for some people. Sometimes people can't love even if you steal the sun and the stars for them. Mommy will try her best to give you everything. Mommy won't tell you that daddy left because he wanted more and I was simply not enough. We were simply not enough. Mommy will try not to cry when I look at your face and see him in you. Mommy will tell you it wasn't daddy's fault that he left. I know daddy trys. But it isn't enough anymore. I know you can feel mommy is sad and I'm sorry I'm bringing you into the world broken and on our own. He said he wanted to make things better but things can't ever be the same.

All I want is to be warped up in your arms safe and not worried about what the world has to offer.  I want to wake up to your face sound asleep and smile to the fact that your mine.
That funny fact is that I'm so in love with you scares me cause waking up alone is a recurring thing that I don't want it to stay. I want you to stay. I'm not one to look into mirrors and see beauty but with you my mirrors are broken and all I see is you. I still get scared your gonna not want me and not think I'm everything you want in a soul and that's a battle on these long lonely nights. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to become perfect for you when you return to me. I'm boring. And the same. Do you want that forever?

I haven't written in a long time cause normally I write about how sad or upset I was. I haven't been sad in a while. Actually. But today I don't know how I feel. I don't know what tomrrow holds anymore. I don't know who or what or what makes me happy anymore. I've always liked being alone and maybe that's just the way God or whatever is out there wanted me to be. I mean is there always someone for everyone? How do you know ? You dont. Can people just love one human and be okay with that? Why put trust and love in someone if they don't put trust and love in you? How can you sleep and come home to someone and not be fully in love with them and when something new comes along and forget all you ever had with them? I didn't ask to be here but here I am and it kills me. I always thought if you were a good person good things happen to you. But here I am. And that's not true. Nothing is true. Love is just a made up word to please us. To make us feel something when there's nothing to feel at all.

"Darling killing yourself is out of the question" she says as she touches her soft red hair
"It will only get better" she says
Walking out of the room her daughters dark room with the radio on ever so softly to the saddest tunes
She can only think about that cold sharp razor she hid under her blanket
People only say it's gonna get better are the people who haven't been though hell and doesn't know what it's like to try and run out of the dark but it keeps on beating you to the finish line.
I guess it's gotten better but has it really?
I'm still that girl that has done nothing with her life and doesn't see it going anywhere
I'm still that girl who lost every friend she ever had after that last school bell
I'm still wanted to lay in my bed all day not out of laziness out of "what's the point"?
What's the point to life, I mean we all are born to die so why can't some of us die sooner?
The moment we are born we start dying and I just can't find something I enjoy enough to make me excited about life.
"Darling you'll find what you're meant to do in life"
Will I?

I didn't cry today.
Finally.
May 19th is just a another day in a month.
I didn't cry over you.
And that feels so **** good, you know.