i feel like i'm floating,
like i'm miles high above the rest of you.
i feel like i can see everything happening,
i feel like i can take it all in,
but i can't do anything about it.
i don't know how to save you.
how could i?
i don't even know how to save myself.

a.m.

do you feel that when we touch?
the feeling like we're two cars on the freeway,
about to collide head-on,
going 100 miles an hour,
and we don't have our headlights on,
and we don't see the impending mess we're about to beautifully configure.
but,
we keep driving.
i feel it when you look at me,
with my favourite pair of eyes.
i feel this rush of naive mystery,
i know it's going to hurt like hell when we collide,
but i keep driving.
i do not slow.
i do not falter.
i just wait for our impact,
and for all our pieces to go flying.

a.m.

if you say,
i miss you,
enough,
it starts to sound like the alphabet.
if i say,
i miss you
to myself enough,
eventually it will overflow onto your lips when you get close enough
to ******* smile,
and breathe my air.
we speak our own language,
of unrequited feelings
we trade for endless
'what if''s.
for as long as i've known your name,
my mouth has been practicing
how to perfectly say,
'i love you'.

a.m.

sky's grow dark,
and inside my mind
i see you,
standing alone beside a light switch
that could brighten my whole interior.
except
you don't touch it,
in fact
you ignore it.
you dance circles around candles you don't have matches for,
and lightbulbs that are already lit,
expecting me to get up,
walk over to you,
and guide your fingers to my 'on' switch.
but i can't,
i am physically unable.
every time you touch me
its electric,
whenever i feel you,
its like you tease a small star inside me
by dangling fire in front of it,
promising to make it the brightest it's ever been,
but you say you're lonely
and never follow through.

a.m.

You’re so close to the stars. i wonder if you can hear the secrets i told the constellations that one night i got lost on the roof trying to find my way without you. maybe you’ll get lost in the darkness up there and feel the way i feel when i get lonely sometimes. you’re going to cities I’ve never seen and you’ll be walking on roads my feet haven’t touched and in a way I’m jealous of the new air you get to breathe. the little intricate fibres that make up my lungs are burning with this constant northern oxygen I’ve been force feeding them. i wonder what its like to breath you in at 30, 000 ft above sea level going 600 miles per hour. i wonder if my lungs would burn out of blissful breathlessness for you. I wonder what jet lag looks when it's painted across your face. i hate being on planes, but I’m so curious about how tightly you’d let me hold your hand up there. until i met you i didn’t understand why people thought it would be so special to travel around the world with another person, because i’d always thought it would be better to be lost alone. but i get high off the thought of walking european streets with you.

I don't know what pieces of me want you.
It's lucky for you, honestly  
if I knew where they were hiding
I wouldn't think twice about ripping them out of me.
I would leave gapping holes in my chest,
I would abandon my mind for the sound of static on repeat,
I would swallow combustibles,
and paint my insides on the walls of my bedroom
if it meant I'd be able to want happiness for
myself
more than I want it for you.

and so today was the day my head won against my heart.
hearts don't realize they've been lied to.
my heart never wanted the best for me,
it just wanted you.
now,
i'm suffocating off the parts that crave your skin,
i'm killing them.
some parts die faster than others,
for example;
i've forgotten the placement of your freckles,
but the colour of your eyes are taking their time to leave me.
i don't remember the way you walk,
but i'm having trouble forgetting the sound of your heartbeats.
but today was the day my head won against my heart.
today was the day i started forgetting.