The numbness is taking over again
I don't like the way it "feels"
But in between the desolate expanse
There is only solitary bouts of intense torment
Burning like a supernova
Only to be abruptly replaced by the numbness once more

Have you ever loved someone so much?

Where every moment you spend without their arms wrapped around your waist is so incredibly painful, you think it’s slowly killing you?

Where you long every second for that certain trio of words to be sent your way, on the lisps of the wind?

“I love you.”

And

“I miss you”

Were trios that I did not catch that afternoon. I’m sure you sent them, but not to me.

Instead, what did I get?

“You will never be half the person that she is.”

I read that, and instantly I wanted to cry. I felt defeated, crushed, broken down. Ashamed, upset, and alone.

You said you weren’t thinking, that it was an accident, that you didn’t mean it.
But if you sent it, you thought it.

And that’s enough for me.

You tried to take it back, and believe me I wish you had succeeded.

But you didn’t, and you left me for wanting.

Because when that was over, when you said the only ten words I never would have expected to come out of your mouth, I was done.

Done what?

I was done fighting.  Fighting off bad luck, insecurities, you name it.

All this time I was there for you. And this was not the only time you’ve come back to slap me in the face.

You never bothered to really see if I was okay. Never cared to look into my eyes and discover that I’m worse off than you are.

That day you watched me fall asleep… you said that I was peaceful.

I can assure you those are the only moments of peacefulness I get out of my day.

That day you said you needed me, I was there.
But the day I needed you, you had vanished into somebody else’s arms.

Not a care in the world, not a look back to see me far off in the distance, too numb from the pain to wave goodbye.

It’s me or someone else, you say. You say I don’t care about the other, which is wrong.

You say it’s stupid of you to assume things about me, which is funny because it’s something people constantly do.

I’m used to it, it happens often.

But I never thought the assumptions would come from you.

I miss you, I need you, and I love you.

So talk to me, please.

Because you’re a part of me that I need.

The start.
A series of days stretches before me,
limitless in their potential,
empty of plans and of need to be anywhere
except for where I want.
Blank canvases to be made over in the images I choose,
empty pages waiting for me to write the story,
heaven.
But one day shall follow the next
and that seemingly infinite potential will shut down as the days march
and potential becomes reality
becomes memory
and all too quickly I will be at
the end.

Will you please pass the memories of the time that we spent
Chasing down each others dreams
Too many years of not sure where they went
Nor when they decided to leave

From out the frosted window I watched you wave
As I boarded this high speed train
I don't have to tell you how much has changed
Since you and I were seventeen

The park that we favored is now a parking lot
Progress took what we had and gave it away
Better to have what we had than to have had it not
Though since those days life hasn't been the same

This you'll never read for the fact that we lost our place
In the line that we used to be
Like I said before so much has changed
Since you and I were seventeen

Young love, young innocence, playing to the notion
That it all makes sense on any given day
We took it back then on teenage emotion
Now all that's left is the ache of separate ways

With the swirling of memories I'm in too deep
Nothing more to say on this still high speeding train
Except once more to note that nothings the same
Since you and I were seventeen...

I'm a bow turned too tight
wanting to break my own ankles
to feel relaxed

I would scream if I didn't feel
uncomfortable and too big
doing so

I'm tired of shrinking as I grow
and playing nice to people
who don't deserve it

I paint myself like a *****
to see if I can emulate it
so I hope it's working

I'm not stagnant