(Goodnight)

Lay your head
on my chest,

listen as my
pulse sings
lullabies
for you

sink into this
bed, pounds
of restless
gravity

let this warmth
of my flesh
seep into your
bones

you are
safe with me

I have dreams where glass is thrown but nothing's breaking.
My hearts heavy and my hands are shaking.
I look at you and nothing's there,
Just a cold blank stare.
Like everything and everyone is something,
And I'm here alone and left with nothing.
I want to reach you but you're so far away,
Disconnected and in disarray,
Fear has taken over,
All goodbyes and cold shoulders.
Will I ever feel okay?
Will dreams all make sense one day?
Heat rushes through my veins,
It burns right through me and pours like rain.
No one can feel that but me,
I may be able to explain it, but you can't see.
So much beauty, but all I feel is hate.
I want to scream but there's no voice to penetrate.
I could yell but nothing comes out,
I'm all chewed up and spat back out.

I've forgotten the rush of pen to paper
I've diluted the taste of every life saver
I wanted to feel freedom from heartache
but couldn't feel as thought it was just a mistake
I need to write to feel alive
Letting out the toxins I use to survive
Breathing out my brains archive
Feeling free once again
Level headed and zen
Pen to paper I feel
Pen to paper shows emotions are real

You're like pink sugar mixed with cigarette smoke.
We know that smell. If you don't you're missing out.
It's not supposed to make sense, being a sweet as sugar scent
mixed with the lingering bitterness of poison...
But together makes sense.
It's not like they knew when they invented pink sugar perfume it would mix perfectly with smoke
and create magic.
It just became a new signature,
something special that people recognize and identify with.
Being one way or completely the other, when combined is brilliant.
The two counterpoints balance one another, and something beautiful emerges.

She was beautiful, an elegance that swooned those where she traveled. She didn't say much, kept to herself, but she didn't have to. She promised the world and followed through with practically nothing, just a shadow of herself when she left yesterday morning.
So what am I doing? what am I doing here? Was it just yesterday morning when you left, my dear?
The souls in which shed swoon were The Devils and angels. Some swaying the pendulum, viewing different angels, uncertain of where to lay their heads at night. But others were drawn to the light. They viewed it so bright they could almost taste it, she tasted it, she craved it like it was the last drop on earth.  All she wanted was to rid that curse, but it pulled her under deeper and deeper within each soul shed sweep.
So what am I doing? what am I doing here? Was it just yesterday morning when you left me, my dear?
She had the darkness inside her. And I wanted to hide her. It was the almighty antidote, that made sense of her train of thought she spoke. She wanted to feel, but all  I could feel was her heel stepped on top of me. She was so sweet and fragile, and I wanted it all, but she had my heart pinned on her wall. She knew it was perfect and real, but it pained her to feel. Because although she was beautiful, she didnt see it. she let the darkness of the world depict her feelings.
So what am I doing? what am I doing here? Was it just yesterday morning when you left, my dear?
Or it it forever? Will you recover? Or should I just leave here. I think I may just leave, my dear. God bless you my dear

She was beautiful, an elegant grace that swooned those in where she traveled. She didn't say much, but she didn't need to. She'd promise the world and leave with nothing, just a shadow and the faint footprints of her black leather boots on the souls of whom shed swept. The souls in which shed sweep were The Devils and angels in us all. Some swaying the pendulum, uncertain of where to rest to lay their heads, others drawn to the light. They see it so bright before them they could taste it, she tasted it, she craved that taste like it was the last drop of water on earth. All she wanted was to have that light, but the darkness pulled her under deeper and deeper within each soul shed sweep. She had the darkness inside her. It was like the almighty antidote that could make things make sense for her. Seeing darkness within others was a way for her to feel something. Anything but the swooning mourns of those of whom shed sweep. Although so sweet and fragile, almost resided as much as the everlasting cry of a new born baby. She knew it was perfect, so real, but it pained her to feel. Because although a beautiful girl she was, nothing was more beautiful to her then those who didn't find her quite so beautiful. Complicating the simplicity was simple to her. She knows what she really wants, she knows how they really feel, but finding patterns was as easy as looking through a kaleidoscope {cont...}

v

You are the sweetest cherry of the bundle,
The hands over mine as they tremble
You are the first red leaf of fall,
When you see a baby's first crawl
You are like a sunset
Creating colors and light as the day resets
You are the first kiss of young love
The hands that fit perfect together like a glove
You are the moon lighting up the dark
A blank canvases first mark
You are like a guitars first pluck
Opening a can after being stuck
You are my shield
My checkpoint in this maze of a cornfield
Don't slip away
Leaving me in a disarray
When your mind is made up
I hope that you feel enough
Because although you don't feel the same
I still get butterflies when I hear your name
I let angels guide my way
But now it's up to me that you don't stray
Because you are like nuetella on bread
Unable to get you out of my head
I got a taste and I can't let you go
You put holy water on a flower unable to grow
Although I have my demons
I love you for all of these reasons
You are the first hoody of the season
Please let me love you more
I promise there is only good in store
We may disagree
And you may have lost all faith in me
But baby I'm like a tree
I only grow with age, that's what makes me me
I want you to be there
Losing someone like you is too much to bare
I hope you read this and feel
Crack that heart of steel
Because you are the first song in the silence
The only act of kindness through the violence
You are my bear
And hopefully this shows that I do care
My life has cause me to be numb
But I won't allow that to rule my thumb
Or pinky for that matter
I don't mean to make you shatter
Your glass is too beautiful to break
You shine brighter than any diamond a thief could take

I don't draw anymore
I have pencils on the floor and doodles on my door
Doodles of the past when I would push
Shoving the door shut as barricades turned to mush
I don't draw anymore
I used to sing for you on my bedroom floor
"Don't let them ruin my core"
Although you didn't respond
I'd still draw for you and sit by the pond
I don't draw anymore
Can passion derive from pain?
Even when you're considered "crazy" and I'm "sane"
I still think about when we would draw together
You weren't very good, but you assured me forever
I don't draw anymore
We couldn't afford oils but I was okay with pastels
On my birthday you could tell
I would use chalk
While you and I would talk
Scratching against the pavement

Backseat lounging
With thoughts less than arousing
Blinking through burning eyes
Letting the poison correct my urging demise
It's a daily kind of thing
Like clowns pushing on a swing
Laughing at my attempt to climb
Out of this pit of mine
Maybe the burning in my eyes
Has made my mind and heart blind
I am a fool
A tool used to help fix your stool
And maybe it's too late
With a past filled with so much hate
Hating the world, clowns are mean
Pulling either side of my hair making me scream
All I have are pillows to suffer my shrills
And some hills are too steep to overcome with will
Did you hear the circus was in town?
We're going to stand around you as you drown
But you don't need our support,
There's no net of safety for this kind of sport

Subsequently
Flowing back and forth
Like a wave parting from the oceans palms
A sequence, leading to aftermath
Dying flowers, rotting apples
Picking apart roses, letting the petals fall
Flowing back and forth like feathers
Floating back to their beginning
Subsequently

Like sipping coffee with cigarette in hand,
watching waves rise and fall while stepping through warm sand,
you are peace of mind.
Like smelling roses during sweet sugary May,
Laying down after a long lingering day
you are an exhaling breath.
Like the tops of roller coasters about to drop,
Watching number wheels spin until they stop
You are anticipation.
Anticipation going over again in my head
Like a pinwheel being hushed to tread
Constantly spinning.

Let me tell you about this girl
A rare flower she is
Beautiful with sharp edges
Like the thorns of red roses
It is possible to reach her beauty
Her core
But passing the stabbing thorns
Is difficult for most
But not for me.
Let me tell you about this girl
Tough as nails she is
She can stand her ground
while keeping the poise and grace
of an angel fallen from heaven
The definition of loyalty
Always by my side
Even when she would see me
reckless and driven by passion
She was the rock that kept me from flying away.
Let me tell you about this girl
Hazel eyes so aware
But so hopeless
Almost as if all the hope she had given me
Left her empty
Like a hallow shell, lifeless
Taken away by those white rectangles
By that powder eating at brain
******* the life from her like a leech
Feeding off her sweet energy
I can't let her go.
Because let me tell you about this girl
She was the light in my darkness hours
She's the hand that saved me from falling
So many times
But now
I pray she grabs my hand
As she falls deeper and deeper into the daze
The daze that's pulling her closer and closer
To the ground
I will be the light in her darkness

Laying awake and staring at blank walls
With no one around to make me feel ten feet tall
All I have are warm memories and butterfly kisses
Mixed with the green monster throwing hard pitches
You may say that passion gets the best of me
Call it erratic but I strive on feeling free
Intrigued by the unknown of thoughtless choices
But since passion gets the best of me, there's no need for voices.
Skeletons are engraved in my closet
My heart can be cold and my morals are far from solid
I want to trust my gut and just fall
But breaking down these walls will be the worst part of all
Some pieces of the puzzle should stay left out
Although left incomplete, you'll still see what it's about
because passion gets the best of me
It makes these pages hard to read
Causing my heart to swell up with greed
But if I don't break I'll never know how
To let these feelings speak volume or as much as they allow

"It was too easy". she said,
As she crawled under her covers.
It was all too easy.
It was mindless.
I wasn't even there.
Would it even have made a difference if I was?
Probably not.
They just don't care.
They pretend you're who they wish you would be.
Not who you actually are.
"It doesn't matter" she said,
"It's just business".
It's just the way things are.
You can look at is as an awakening lullaby,
That sings you sweetly into oblivion.
You can pretend the stars glisten bright when they aren't to be found.
You can look into his eyes and see warm rays shine from within.
"It's just lust" she said.
Those feelings don't exist.
You're just a mouse going blindly into the trap.
Except you aren't blind.
You can see, you can see everything. just like everybody else.

It's 3 am and I'm still awake.
Going over and over this cold reality, I lay motionless.
From you to my furthest future, I have kaleidoscope thoughts.
Constantly spinning from pattern to pattern, with warm and cool colors intertwining one another.
I could stay up all night,
I could watch the darkness turn into a sun-kissed morning.
Sifting through the possibilities, all of the different scenarios...
just searching for the truth.

The thing that is worst about scars
is just when you think the memories are gone far
They still render beneath the surface.
It may not show on your face
But it'll always be there.
It with follow you everywhere
Even if don't realize it.
It comes out in everything you do
It's sad but it's true

Sometimes things look like forever and ever
Nothing would break up

I feel as though life is like a levetating elevator
You're trapped in a confined space unable to control the direction
You can only use the control panel provided
Without the panned you have nothing
Just a confined space
A space in which you are trapped in
unable to stop it's levitation
It'll take you up as far as it can
To a world you may not measure up to
To a place where only kings can rule and where the empty will fall

A change of scenery, that's all they said I needed
Different faces and places to pick me up as I lay defeated
Somewhere new to erase the blue
Somewhere where the past is unrecognized and all I could see is truth
There are times when I miss the things I hated
All the things I wept about and the people who degraded
All the things that helped my heart fall apart
The things that watched me crumble right from the start
I want to let go
I want to breathe and let my spirit show
But letting go can only be so easy
Even if I am in a change of scenery

Never forget your strength
Rocky roads and shattered hope
Only allows climbing from this downward *****
Never forget the love
The love that saved souls
And developed a clearer picture of our future goals
Never forget your courage
When you risen from feeling small
And answered my weeping call
Never doubt your pride
You were my guide through hell
A helping hand I'd never sell
Never forget your power
When us girls were lost at sea
You heard our cries, you knew how things were supposed to be
I never forget all that you've done
You saved us from the sweltering sun
You saved us from the angry pain
A weakened soul with too much to gain
Outbursts of evil and slammed doors
You knew how to make it not hurt anymore
So times like these when you think I don't care
It's only because the present is too much to bare
I know what your capable of
I guess I just miss the love
The unbreakable bond we once shared
Untouchable by loud voices and words that weren't cared
Never forget my love
The only person who can judge you is above
You are strong. Please don't forget.

People ask me what it feels like to have no control
I tell them, it feels like freedom of the mind
It feels like the suffering never happened, the pain never scarred
And soaring through skies is possible, oh

I wish I could go back, store all the love that you gave me
and put it in a bottle, your love at full throttle
Whenever I need dosing
I could drink your love and smile
Knowing things will be okay,
That life will be okay

Seasons change and smiles fade
As I got older, I felt that I grew colder
And I, now all I do, is try to find replacements of feelings
With substances of nature and not

I wish I could go back, store all the love that you gave me
and put it in a bottle, your love at full throttle
Whenever I need dosing
I could drink your love and smile
Knowing things will be okay,
That life will be okay

Oh innocence,  bring me back to the world?
I've lost all control and I'm starting to feel the tole
Oh innocence, can we please make a truce?
I, promise you won't slip through my fingers
Won't dissolve in my veins
I will be sane

I wish I could go back, store all the love that you gave me
and put it in a bottle, your love at full throttle
But I know, that it's all up to me, if I want to be free
I must, spread my wings and put down the bottle

Put down the love, it's decayed anyway
The only thing left is water droplets stuck on the side
It's all on me now

I live in a place of credit card swiping
Of hundred dollar bills replacing apologies
Of forgotten love of the soul of family
If I knew how easily unconditional love could be replaced
I would of never lied to myself.
I would of never told myself that life was going to tread on
That the battle was over and now we could rule
It was okay to feel alone, because the horizon was nearing
There's no such thing as unconditional, there always a condition
On one condition, everything could change
Everyone could change

Someday maybe you will wake up
And realize how beautiful the world is
Someday maybe you will discover
How much you have to offer
Someday maybe you will see
How much you really mean to me
Someday maybe you will build up the courage
to come see me
to come sweep me off my feet
and shower me in sweet kisses
just like you used to
Someday maybe you will come running
Hoping I come back
But I will
All you have to do is show you care

An escape from reality?
that sounds great
A way to forget the truth?
something i'd appreciate
Too bad it won't solve problems
Too bad it won't plug the empty hole in your heart
So many choices.
Up or down
A way to turn your frown upside down
Only for a little while
Then comes the denial
I only had a little
But only felt a lot
You'll never face the truth with minds distraught
With your spirit armed by
unpleasant memories and ruthless sights
That will not cause strength
Strength is when you throw away the armor
Let go of the past
Let the reality seep into your body like a sponge
Realize what's right, what's wrong
And go get her
Before you let the moment pass

No one knows what it's like
to truly be lost
to truly be lost in space
space of which was your home
I don't know whether to miss you
or to erase you
All I know is how much I care
and that the thought of you gone
is too much to bare
I wish you were simple
I wish I were simple too
But now I'm just surviving in the big old blue
without a paddle
without a boat
Without you

I wish I could fix the world
One error at a time
But looking past my own wall
With light passing through
Brick exteriors
I am just another thing fixable
But what more can one do
When all hope is gone
When all love is gone
What is there left to live for?
To sink or to let it be
To close eyes or to see
The little pieces left beautiful
Or the things left unsaid

Looks like this is the only time we'll get to talk
But there will be no response, no chance to go for a walk
This will be the one time you will have to listen
Hopefully I cover it all, and don't leave any importance missing
Here's what I wish I'd say
Here's the inside of my heart on this very day
I wish there was something I could do
To make you see that it was all true
Everybody knew
Yet you did not have even a clue
I wish I could of saved your drowning soul
It was once so beautiful and pure as gold
I hope you know I have a piece of you with me all the time
But if you knew who I was now, it would be such a crime
I'm not the person you raised
In fact, most of the time I'm confused and dazed
I don't have the respect for myself that you taught me
I'm not the person that I wish I could be
I wish you didn't leave me in my time of need
Maybe then you could watch me succeed
Into the beautiful flower that I strive to become
But day after day we were slowly left with none
And here I am.
I am here, standing looking up at what's left of you
I hope one day my dreams come true
Maybe it would someday make you proud
And you'd set free rain unleashed from the clouds
And I'll just close my eyes and smile

I wonder about you
What you must be thinking
If the memories are still lingering
Through your cluttered mind
Maybe they aren't easy to find
But I hope they are there
Because in all honesty I cant help but to care
You were my all
Now you're like a bridge that I've watched crumble and fall
Do you see what your doing?
Don't you feel your heart spewing
And gasping for air
Or is this all too much to bear?
Do you block it out like a barbed wire
Every time you touch the piece to see your desire
It stings.
It burns.
The pain overturns the thought
The memory
So even though you don't know what was said to me
I do, and I feel it
Like a lost commit

Can anyone hear me?
I promise you it's not just what you see
It's a trick, a gimmick, something to search for
It's under the surface and deep through my core
Watch the contentment burst out my seams
And notice how desperately the butterflies want to scream

Its hard to label when one can relate.
Especially when the factors they carry are qualities within yourself that you've grown to hate
You know how they feel.
You're aware of that adrenaline rush when you watch them steal.
You know the sensation in the pit of the stomach when you see them kiss
Its the fulfillment of loneliness, forever dreaded to miss.
When you gaze into those glass eyes and toothy smile,
You recognize the small sense of happiness you wished wouldn't leave after a short while.
When the scars shine through the skin to reveal the freshly cut wounds
You remember that fragile feeling of being trapped in your own little thought cocoon
If only one could escape

We have that sudden silence
That sudden random silence
All due to your acts of violence
that not only damaged my mind
But put bullets through my heart

You think that relationships are an art?
Not exactly.

You give what you can take, actually
and as a matter of fact
you don't give enough to deserve me
You see, I'm like a tree

I have branches, and layers, that not everyone can see
and because of your foul misconception
of choosing someone in the opposite direction
you'll never see my leaves.

You'll never touch the heart on my sleeves
Because people like you, don't deserve trees like me
People like you deserve grime
People that have the inability to shine

And you don't care
Why?

Because finding something meaningful, you wouldn't dare
All that matters to you is the next satisfaction
Treating people as your tissues in this chain reaction
You're right when you said you weren't worth fighting for

*Because you're the last thing I would waste my time to adore

Funny how nothing tastes as sweet
Nothing looks as radiant
No ones touch as warm

I'm in denial

It perpetuates like rain
It burns like fire
Like the fire that lit the candle

The one that caused the night's shimmer
It sparkled through your soul
To me, it was shinier than silver

But sparkled like gold
If only I could hold it
Let it seep through my fingers

Breathe it in like air
I only got a taste, a gust
But what I took was everlasting

Like the glow of the moon
Gleaming through the skies darkness
In the luminescent lunar twilight

Was there something I could of said or done?
Or am I just another loser apart of your games and she's the one who won?
This was the first time that I thought something could be perfect
That all the lying and sneaking around would one day all be worth it
But nothing can ever reach the value of perfection
With those several glaring misconceptions
Misconceptions of putting your heart on your sleeve
Misconceptions of being held in the silence that makes it hurt to breathe
And that smile behind your eyes that once stared deep into my soul
The gaze that once made me melt with butterflies, but then the your little catch took its tole
How could you lie to me so blatantly with no remorse?
Was all of this just a joke to you while your reality took its course?
As the mistakes began to haunt you and your insecurities were exposed
Was it your only option to rip up this melody so well composed?
Ignoring the truth and replaying the broken record playing in your head
This keeps you up at night, screaming in your face as you lay awake in bed
Press pause.
Here's the cause:
Its painful watching you settle for garbage when you deserve gold
Despite what anyone else has done to you and what you've been told
I never fight for someone unless I truly feel something
Even though it was only a couple weeks and appeared as nothing
I felt it, and I still do
so please, just tell me, do you feel it too?

Is this really what it has come to?
I should of known that no sky could ever stay so blue
bluer than the moon, bluer than veins
It's the kind of blue that stains
It's the kind of blue that could never be erased, no matter how hard one may push
Not even erased by a sip of poison or a **** of kush
But just hush
Hush your mind, hush your heart
because this color scheme of blue is whats tearing you apart
its breaking you, destroying you
Killing your soul, in this royal shade of blue

I hate scrubbing the smell of "love" and cigarettes out of my ******* hair
from depicting happiness from myself when it clearly wasn't there
I hate waking up to cuts and bruises from the night before
from someone who claimed to give a **** but doesn't anymore
I hate trying to paint the perfect picture on my face
to hide the thoughts and memories that only pain could trace

I'm so sick of starring at screens waiting for a change
its like the only thing my life has come to in this state of derange
I'm so sick of watching people laugh
when theres nothing quite so happy in my life that could ever compare to that
I'm so sick of writing letters with no return address
No matter how much I confess, everything is still a mess

You can pick up everyones pieces and put it back together
but no matter what, weather is weather
It could be snowing or raining or just ******* beautiful
but its what you chose to make of yourself that is forever suitable
relying on others is just a waste of time
and you're right, there is no way I could ever reach the value of a dime
because I'm a million dollars, so its your loss that you won't even care to bother

You are irrelevant to perfection
Correction, you are completely irrelevant to perfection
And the conception of myself holding your rugged hand
and walking freely by the ocean, wth my toes lingering in the sand
while listening to the perpetuating hush of the ocean's waves
is what my mind and heart secretly craves
Maybe your the one to save me from melting
from sweltering in the blazing sun's rays
Maybe you'd capture the moon and put an end to my dying days
The crisp air from the lunar twilight would compel me
It's almost like a glorious spell that would one day set me free
But I can't handle the frost, and the spark of your icy eyes
Cold like hell but so beautifully blue i can't help but be mesmerized
They resemble the once so majestic skies that lied behind the ocean
with the waves rising and falling in a strict perpetual motion

I've been told; life is all about growth and maturity
Leaving the nest and learning to take on and embrace your surroundings
Then explain why I feel as though I'm shrinking, constantly fighting these ongoing insecurities? 
 
People always preach about being true to who you are
The unknown galaxy of the delicate mind is somehow bigger than our own body
Exile the unworthy nightmares and follow the dreams that may appear bizzar
 
But what do you do when you're all alone in a crowded room?
And extraversion and introversion are the two demons playing tug of war?
I wish I were plain and simple like a white rose, just allowing myself to bloom
 
What do I do when the glorious stars lose their twinkle?
Once so bright and majestic, now blurry and incoherent
How should I uproot these sorrows, when they're so profound and as deep as wrinkles?
 
If the lies and confusion are steering clear of the shadows of hope
And these tears, sharp as daggers are supposed to seize to a stop
Then why does it seem as though everything is heading in a downward *****?
 
It reminds me of a beautiful bird trapped in an iron barred cage
Struggling, and flapping it's wings in deprivation of escaping
It could shrill and cry, but no one shows interest in it's excruciating rage
 
If razors weren't sharp and scissors had no blades
If skin were tougher than rubber
Would these unruly memories and tortured thoughts drift into the distance and fade?
 
I despise how the facts are too hard to handle and never good enough
No matter how much you strive for change, god's never on your side
And frankly, I'm exhausted from putting up walls and having to always be so tough
 
No matter how hard I try, I am still lost and weak
Searching for the true meaning in blank canvased skies
At a loss of how to correct a lack of color in this never ending streak
 
I know who Faith is, and hopefully she'll grace her presence upon me soon
Maybe she'll teach me how to expand my wings and soar into the horizon
Allowing sublimity to perfuse like a butterfly, rather than falling into the darkness of a constricted cocoon