nobody warns you about the first boy who tells you he wants to marry you.
nobody warns you about the tangible shift in the universe when he parts his lips to smile.
nobody warns you about the poetry he'll write you or how your knees will weaken or the melancholy hidden between the layers of his laughter.
nobody warns you that miles will morph into lightyears and you will curse the ocean for being the only thing that keeps his fingers from resting between yours.
nobody warns you about the day his sweater doesn't smell like him anymore.
nobody warns you that human hands are incapable of holding a person together.
nobody warns you that sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much you wish it was.
nobody warns you about the crippling nostalgia that renders you breathless.
nobody warns you about the nights when silence screams for your blood.
nobody warns you about the crater that forms in your chest in the middle of the night when he doesn't answer.
nobody warns you about how it's going to feel when he tells you he's in love with someone else.
nobody warns you that forever is a lie.
do you ever wonder
about the difference between
looking at something
and the hallucination created
when looking past it?
if you look at your hand
it's all you can see
but if you look past your hand
there are now two of them
sometimes it's hard for me
to remember which is real
it gets me thinking
about how my father
used to wake me up
in the morning by rubbing
his stubble across my face
i spent my 11th birthday
under the assumption
that he might come back
if i drank his aftershave
like maybe if i could turn blue
if i could be his favorite color
on our bathroom floor
he would forget why he left
the paramedics were all sobing
as they pumped memories
out of my stomach
i coughed up the day the post-it note with your new address on it
burned a hole in our refrigerator
coughed up the day
the divorce papers came
and my mother
took a baseball bat to the mailbox
i've been choking on the splinters
for 17 years
it's been 17 years
since the last dinner plate
exploded on our dining room wall
17 years since my mother
started accidentally setting your place at the dinner table
17 years since italian night
at the restaurant on the corner
where the juke box
spat tired music
and like so many other things
it stopped working when you left
i guess it's no coincidence
since the juke box went quiet
that the cds in my car
only skip on "i miss you"
i've been hemorrhaging memories
for so long
and now that i'm looking back
i can no longer tell
the mirage from the truth
sometimes i swear
you showed up to my graduation
and last time
i was at your apartment
i can't remember
if the imprints of my hands
are in clay hanging on your wall
or if they were left in the mud
the day god had the audacity
to let it rain
or maybe it's like the time
i saw someone crying on a bridge
now that i think about it
i can't remember if it was me
I didn't go to your funeral
I tried to, but I couldn't
And I swear I still have nightmares
I can hear the way your hollow casket sounds
As dirt is piled above it
And the reality sinks in
I never let you go
Last night, I had a dream
Of a voice calling out to me
Signalling me through the darkness
Empty whispers I couldn't figure out
And then a ******-throat scream.
I was walking with my eyes closed
And yet, I was wide awake
Into the woods somewhere unknown
So confident I was, I was so sure
Making my way into the stray.
Behind the back of my mind,
Something felt ignited
A desperate call from space
Sore eyes and a rusty soul
Like begging me to come home.
The coldness seeped into my veins
The wind whistled into my ears
The tales of what I really am
Decoding the silence of the night
Peacefully murdering the scam.
The sound of the water ripples
The full moon and the sleeping dawn
The wolves howled flawlessly
To stir the stillness of my song.
A distant voice called out to me
The resonance injected into my bones
Like a faint cry for help,
A craving for deep connection
Strange, how I felt the whole time
Like that voice was mine.
Wild flowers I picked,
Were soon lost, when she arrived—
Wind took them away.