I forgot what it was like to spar with witty banter
I forgot what it was like to be grabbed with gentle hands
I forgot that a conversation doesn’t have to be all ******
I forgot what it was like to date a man
-ALC Feb 9, 2019

I cannot run away from you
You're running straight into my heart
This pain is subsiding so slowly.
I can't breath this last breath
I can't weep this last tear,
You're everything I've ever feared.

When I think about those thoughts, I see nothing but fear,
I see nothing but you,
I feel nothing but a tear,
I  feel nothing but the perplexing pounding in my chest, my heart.
I do nothing but breath my silent breaths
Slowly, painfully, slowly, calmly, slowly.

I do nothing but hear the sweet clicks coming to me slowly,
I do nothing but it rises in me; the fear,
I do nothing but it comes more hastily; my breath,
I do nothing but feel so happy; it's you,
I do nothing but it pounds more rapidly; my heart,
I do nothing but they begin to appear; the tears.

I'd do anything to keep these tears,
I'd do anything to make you move more hastily; you're to slow,
I'd do anything to keep this uncontrollable heart,
I'd do anything to keep my hated fear,
To get rid of them would mean to get rid of you.
I'd do anything to keep these trembling breaths.

I want to feel your breath,
I want to wipe away your tears,
I want to be to close to you,
I'd stop being to slow,
I want to take away your fear,
I want to calm your beating heart.

They could be one; our hearts,
It could be ours; each breathe
We could tame it; our fear
They could vanish; our tears
Together we could be to slow
It could be us; me and you.

I love this world of fears and tears
I love the beating of slow hearts
I love the feeling of your breathing

It sooths my soul,
Easing me into a secure state.
Persuading me to lift the corners of my mouth
And smile a sparkling grin.

Then it snaps,
And screams nonsense in my ear.
Causing alarm and panic to kick me in the gut.
Causing my head to spin,
And my stomach to clench.

It tries to sooth the whirlwind it has lead me into,
To put me back on steady ground,
To breathe through the confusion.
It whispers soothing lyrics to me
To lift my spirits once again,
Encouraging me to smile
Imploring me to steady my nerves.

But panic for some unknown horror has already sunk in,
And the alarm bells are screaming in my ear.

With gasping breaths,
Clenched fists,
And a pounding head,
I release myself into sleep
Where even My Voice doesn’t have control over me.
-ALC January 18, 2019

I can’t breath,
Air stuck in my throat,
Caught as I stare wide eyed.

I hear the click, click.
I hear my heart pounding.
I know what is going to happen.

My muscles are bunching,
Ready to spring forward
Ready to let out a screech

A foot steps in the door,
And I smell your scent,
Whooshing in with the cold air
That slips in through the cracks.

My eyes grow wider in circumference,
My lips are parted,
My muscles are taught,
My fists are clenched,
And as you finally enter into our house
And look at me.

I spring with a screeched,
Wrapping you in a tight embrace,
Kissing your face repetitively.
We fall to the ground laughing
Curled into each other.
-ALC January 18, 2019

Did our friendship die in England,
Or did it die when I came home?
Cause the only thing replaying in my mind
is how you used to say,
“you can tell me anything” and
“I’ll always be your friend”.
That all seems a lie now…
and we promised each other we wouldn’t lie to each other…

I am not sure what to do now.
If I should stand still as you walk away.
Or if I should dance into motion once again to try and get you to stay.
I knew you wouldn’t fight for me.
I always knew that it would be a deadly end.
I just didn’t know it would be so silent,
Or so permanent.

You are made of fire and ice,
You are made of so much pain
And I wonder if our finale
Will leave you halting, all the same.
-ALC January 4, 2019

I am so sick of being censored.
Of not saying what I want to say,
If I want to scream “****”
To the world,
who will stop me saying “nay”.

I am sick of being censored
Of not telling people how I feel.

I am sick of holding in my feelings
It does indeed make me feel ill.
So ill I fear I am about to snap
And let all  of my feeling spill.

I am sick of being censored,
Of biting back my tongue.
Soon enough I’ll snap right through,
And there will be nothing left to be done.
-ALC January 4, 2019

I am an amputated bird
with wings that no longer soar,
and I sit in my perch wondering where to go.
It seems like a struggle to hop around
when I once used to glide.

I am an de-clawed lionness
With fangs that have become dull
and I stare at the planes around me
wondering where all my passion has gone.

I am a mute wolf
glaring at over the valleys
to quite to call my pack back
to scared to hear the silent echo.