5 am calls my name,
And drives all my dreams away.
I wake with a start
Trying to calm my beating heart.
As I look out my window.
Am I still sane?

5 am calls my name,
With rays of light peaking through.
I am not sure what draws me awake
To look out my window at you.
I know my eyelids can’t play this game
And wont let me stay to long.

5 am calls my name
Feeling restless and awake.
Yet my thrumming heart quickly calms down as I see your name,
And my limbs grow heavy at the sight of you
Pulling me back down to sleep.
-ALC June 25, 2017

I can’t breath,
Air stuck in my throat,
Caught as I stare wide eyed.

I hear the click, click.
I hear my heart pounding.
I know what is going to happen.

My muscles are bunching,
Ready to spring forward
Ready to let out a screech

A foot steps in the door,
And I smell your scent,
Whooshing in with the cold air
That slips in through the cracks.

My eyes grow wider in circumference,
My lips are parted,
My muscles are taught,
My fists are clenched,
And as you finally enter into our house
And look at me.

I spring with a screeched,
Wrapping you in a tight embrace,
Kissing your face repetitively.
We fall to the ground laughing
Curled into each other.
-ALC January 18, 2019

This is my safe place
And its my jail cell.
I cant stand to be in here
Now that I’m not well.
The walls confine me
And torture my soul.
The window it bribes me
To jump through its hole.

My room is my safe place
It hides all my deeds.
It allows me to let loose
And be a little more me.
But now it’s my jail cell
Binding me in.
I can’t stand to be in here
Where I fear there’s simply no end.
-ALC

I am so sick of being censored.
Of not saying what I want to say,
If I want to scream “****”
To the world,
who will stop me saying “nay”.

I am sick of being censored
Of not telling people how I feel.

I am sick of holding in my feelings
It does indeed make me feel ill.
So ill I fear I am about to snap
And let all  of my feeling spill.

I am sick of being censored,
Of biting back my tongue.
Soon enough I’ll snap right through,
And there will be nothing left to be done.
-ALC January 4, 2019

How can you like me with such a passion.
That causes you to want to be close to me.
You have barely known me.
You have barely met me.
You have not yet glimpsed the depths of my shallowness.
My flaws,
My insecurities,
My true self.
You have only seen my outer crust
Which grows flowers that blossom in the sunshine.
Yet I have an inner mantel,
That is made of molten lava.
Always flowing ready to burn anyone that gets close,
And impossible to control.
I have a core
That is hard as diamonds,
Resistant,
Yet shines in the light.
-ALC Nov 30 2016

I feel myself clinging
To every cell in my body
Trying not to surrender
To the yearning calling.

You slip your fingers
Under my shirt
And I feel my heart
Stutter with a leaping burst.

My body pulls closer
As we rock in a slow rhythm
To a slowly quickening beat
As we become more *** driven.

My body reaches out for you
Craving your touch;
But my mind begs to stop
We have gone far enough!

What a bad idea
This has all become,
But wow wouldn’t it
Be so much fun.
-ALC February 5, 2017

Isn’t it funny how some paths just stumble across each other?
Like a rock that is skipped across a river and happens to sink onto a bed of gold,
That’s what it felt like when you entered my life.
Like I had been jumping and skidding across the surface,
And right when I thought I found my footing and who I was,
I sank and saw your glittering light.
And as I sunk closer to your shine, I began to think of your glow all the time.
And your existence was so full of life.
You got to see fish swim by and rocks die.
You got to be beautiful even if the world didn’t see you,
Always glowing bright in the simple fact that you were you.
And finally when I landed on your soft shine,
I felt like everything would be fine,
Even if you would never be mine.
-ALC March 23, 2017

The knowledge of her death kills a piece of me.
I sit, light blaring at the page, hoping for her to wake up.
I sit, hoping this is all just some terrible hallucination she is having.
My stomach twists as I see his face in my head.
Him, the one that learned how to love her, then lost her.
Sadness, guilt and pity swirl through my body.
I can only imagine the deep pain and loss he is feeling.
All of it is to savior for me to bear
I laugh whipping away my tears
This is silly.
I have watched them from a far this entire time.
Their faces are made up,
Constructed, sculpted, from the words that burn into my eyes.
Yet I feel this pain,
This pain I feel in my being must be the same pain that he feels now,
Staring at her life less body
Limp,
Gone.
I want to lunge at the paper
I want to scream, cry, and laugh.
This is twisted
I hate it for sending me to this emotional place,
But I can’t help but continue,
Loving the action and thrills it sends along the ride.
Her death kills a piece of me.
-ALC

I want to lunge at it,
I want to tear it to shreds.
It drowns me with my own grief.
This false grief,
This false grief that fills my body with weight, that wasn’t there minute before.
I hate it.
I want to rip at the pages and re-wright them.
I want to change the damning end that sends the destructive words to my eyes.
I want to carve out his name,
I want to carve out the man’s name that shot the fatal wounds.
Yet
Yet, I see the bigger picture.
I see the ending gives justice to all that has happened.
I have given her the shock value that she has wished for,
And I love it.
-ALC

I hope that song
Doesn’t sound the same
And you can’t listen to it
Without hearing my name.

I hope that view
Doesn’t look quite right,
And that you can’t stare off
Without me in your mind.

I hope that seat
In the coffee shop
Feels much to big
Without me in my spot

I hope that food
Doesn’t taste quite right
and leave a bitter flavor in your mouth all night.

I hope I have ruined
Your everything
Because you have destroyed
Me entirely.
-ALC August 11, 2017

Sometimes I feel overwhelming emotions,
like my mind is about to explode from my body to be free of this spinning vortex of emotions that makes up my soul.
Sometimes my eyes water with no reason,
And sometimes my body shakes and quivers with convulsions and sobs; and I am not sure where this pent up sadness came from,
Or where its origins lie.
Sometimes a smile sparks across my lips with such stunning simplicity that I am not sure where the rays of light are derived from,
Or where this untapped energy is being sourced.
Sometimes I use up the whole vortex, and am left in the shell.
Not quite happy, not quite sad.
And these are the moments I fear.
The moments where my body feels hallow
And my mind begins to scream at the quietness of my soul.
-ALC September 17, 2017

Sometimes I want to collapse into a dream,
And only see you.

Last night a fell into a sleep,
Riddled with the nightmares of your face and voice.
You blamed me for all your pain,
For all the suffering you had endured,
And I couldn’t deny you that I was at fault.

I woke only remembering your face.
A face of pure sadness and longing,
But I couldn’t remember the reason for that look.

I walked through my day with that face,
And soon the voice followed.
Full of sadness and anger.

I sat down to work,
Only to have the dream appear on my paper.
Full of as much emotion as the night before.
In remembering this,
All I wanted
Was to fall asleep
And see you.
-ALC November 22, 2016

“Did you move already?”
“Yup.”
“I am so sorry, I really meant to hang out with you before you left!”
“And I was really hoping to hang out with you before I left, but I got tired of trying. I got tired of putting effort into something that you weren’t willing to put effort into as well, so I gave up trying to get you into my life, and let you slip away.”
“… I am sorry, I have just been busy.”
“I know you have, and I don’t blame you for being busy, you have a life to live, and so do I. It is what it is, no point in staying caught up in it. You know what ***** though; I kept hoping that I would hear from you. Every day I gave myself a little bit of hope that you would call me, or something! And each day I let myself down. I did this tell the last day, and even a little while after. I did it until I finally realized I couldn’t put any more faith into you. I did it until I realized that you meant more to me, then I meant to you. So I began to slowly undo the bonds that you unknowingly put into my life, and started to let you go.”
-ALC 6/11/2017

He grabbed at her wrist as she began to walk away, pulling all her attention back to him. He locked his eyes with hers and with such surety to his voice he told her “our paths have crossed, and even though they are separating now, one day they will join together again, and I will never let you go”.
-ALC May 24, 2017

You are the most completely, utterly, positively heartbreaking thing I have ever felt.

You fight with your words
And You fight with your fists
You fight just to see if You can make others ******,
But You wouldn’t fight for me.

If I called You out
On all the words that You spout,
On all the ******* that You give
And the narcissistic way that You live,
You would be livid with me.

You would shut down on me,
Give up on me,
And slowly
You would try to forget about me,
But You would never fight for me.

If I told You rashly
How brashly You were reacting
How petulant You were acting
You would loose faith in me,
And be dissuaded from me.
You would begin to hate me.

You act like You love me
And say such sweet words of nothing,
You coo to me in the morning
With happy eyes brightly shinning,
And You swear that You care
But if I were to slightly ruffle your hair,
You would retreat to God knows where.
You wouldn’t fight for me.

You wouldn’t apologize,
You wouldn’t stand by my side
Asking for it to all reside.
You wouldn’t fight for me.
-ALC December 25, 2017

I answer the phone,
And my heart stops.
My eyes blur,
And my world cracks.

I am on the ground
Hugging my knees to my chest,
And I am numb.

I don’t feel the shaking of my body,
I don’t hear my sobs that wrench from my cracking body
I don’t see the people stare at me as they witness my utter destruction.

My body is breaking.
My soul is shattering.
My whole world is growing dark,
And the only thing I can do is scream,
And shake,
And cry,
And wish to take you’re place.

I can’t fathom a world where I can’t call you
Where you won’t be there to give kind advice,
And stern reality.

With a shaking voice, I ask “How will I ever be the same without him?”
My stepmother responds “You wont.”
-ALC March 13, 2019

Did our friendship die in England,
Or did it die when I came home?
Cause the only thing replaying in my mind
is how you used to say,
“you can tell me anything” and
“I’ll always be your friend”.
That all seems a lie now…
and we promised each other we wouldn’t lie to each other…

I am not sure what to do now.
If I should stand still as you walk away.
Or if I should dance into motion once again to try and get you to stay.
I knew you wouldn’t fight for me.
I always knew that it would be a deadly end.
I just didn’t know it would be so silent,
Or so permanent.

You are made of fire and ice,
You are made of so much pain
And I wonder if our finale
Will leave you halting, all the same.
-ALC January 4, 2019

I have become adept at turning it off
And shutting down all the sound.
I have become quite confident
In my capacity to not let love be found.
I have allowed my heart to stay in a state
Of self preservation for so long,
That melting the ice that now surrounds it
Could take far too long.

I hold on to this freezing core,
Like a bear to the frozen ice caps.
It keeps me afloat,
And lets me know,
That my heart belongs to no other.

And though I shiver
In this cold
Of self-preservation.

It’s so much better
Then all the heat
That comes from your love and admiration.
-ALC February 11, 2017

Kiss my hand,
and hold my check,
and tell me of great adventures.
But don't just whisper them in my ear,
Make them happen,
have them appear.

Oh sweet little girl
Wont you open your eyes
Wont you wake up,
Rise and Shine.

Oh sweet little girl
Wont you watch your tongue
don't be so vocal or else you'll be shunned.

Oh sweet little girl
Hold your head high
Have a straight back
With shoulders wide.

Oh sweet little girl
Don't play in the mud
Your shoes will be ruined,
Don't mess with the bugs.

Oh sweet little girl
You study so hard
Your effort is noted
But your grades are subpar.

Oh sweet little girl
Don't travel alone
There's people at night
Who want to take you home.

Oh sweet little girl
How you've grown
You're a women now
With a mind of your own.

Oh little women
How your drive, drives you.
How you reach for the stars
Even with lips turning blue.

Oh little women
That's not what we said
Don't speak your mind
You're bringing up dread.

Oh little women
Leave that feather on the ground
Leave that bug on the bush.
There's nothing to be found.

Oh young women
Your voice is to loud
The chaos you're causing
is shaking the ground.

Oh young women
You're choices are bold
They're for to strong.
Listen to what you've been told.

Ma'am
We've asked you to stop
We've told you again and again.
You seem to not listen
Your will wont give in.

Your voice is to loud
Your hair isn't right
You are far to willing to pick a fight.
You play with nature
You say as you please
You're breaking the parameters
of what we believe.

Ma'am
It's time to settle down
It's time to fit in
Stop all this ruckus
And follow the rules you've been given.

"These rules have been botched
The've been slashed through with red X.

The women are rising,
And trust me you're next.
We are coming up from the rubble,
From the ash and the dirt,
We come with a vengeance,
Someones bound to get hurt.

We've suffered and begged,
For your ears to open,
Yet you brush away our please
Refusing diplomacy.

So we come with our swords,
Our flames rising high
We come with our voices
Screaming out towards the sky."
-ALC Dec 11, 2019

I didn't think our last words would be,
"Okay, I'll leave you alone."
And I didn't think we'd go out so quietly,
or so permanently.

This world will throw road blocks in your path
Disguised as people.
People masked with love and honesty
Men and Women adorned with fair hair and a sparkling smile.

This world will throw boulders into your path
Marking you with kisses and scars
Swaying you to stray from your goals
Asking you to give up your morals.

This world will send storms into your path
To push you back
And off the road
To hold you down.
Though through all of this,
We continue to walk
To run
Onwards.
Away from their grasping hands
And through the pelting rain and hounding thunder.
Toward the horizon shining with the ever-present idea of hope.
-ALC April 8, 2019

I hate you.
I hate you because I fell in love with you.
I hate you because I fell in love with the real you, and not just some idea I had of who you could be.
I fell in love with your soul,
The complete essence of who you were.
How you were so confident in the goofy human you had grown up to be.
I fell in love with your soul
Before we even held hands,
Before we ever touched,
Before I could stop myself.
I fell in love with you without even kissing you.
I hate you because I fell in love with you,
And because I haven’t stopped.
-ALC March 21, 2018

My knuckles they burn
For fresh contact to take place.
Be it a wall
Or your face,
Just name a time and place.
My soul is an inferno
Ready to scorch this earth.
To begin the mass extinction
Like the ones we’ve unearthed.

I can’t contain the rage,
It bubbles inside.
It shoots off like little rockets,
And in your mind they reside.
They burrow their way in
To a deep dark place
And there they will fester
Tell you can’t find their trace.

My body burns
With all I hold back.
The temper I control
Just cannot last.
Its about to erupt,
From every atom in my being,
From every crack in my skin
To destroy all I am seeing.

I will go out like a planet
Taking its last breath
Before erupting into a light
That will be seen far from this earth.
-ALC February 5, 2017

They ask me
Will you date him?
Will you love him?
Will you guys finally be together?
And my response lies with a drifting gaze of
No.
I cannot date him,
I cannot love him,
I cannot be with him.
For I gave my hearts away seasons ago,
And though I have asked for it to come back countless times,
It stays within reach of someone who has yet to grab it,
And hold it,
And treat it with compassion.
So I say no,
Because my chest is hallow
And my blood has run cold,
And I hold no room in my body for a miss matched puzzle piece.
I say no,
Because I fell in love with someone who has no idea,
And my heart has yet to find it’s way back to me.
-ALC August 7, 2017

Don’t talk
Don’t speak
Don’t beg!
Don’t look at me with so much dread!
This world isn’t held up by my hands!
You weren’t made to follow my commands!
Go,
Leave,
Before I plead!
Before this world crashes on me!
Before my hate and love explode with a fire
Of all my dying desires.
Of all the pain I have ever felt
And all the need that keeps me knelt,
By your side for much to long
Burning my insides all along!
Don’t talk
Don’t speak
Don’t beg!
Don’t think of me inside your head!
Don’t fill yourself with so much dread!
Don’t ask for me to return instead.
Don’t think
Don’t whisper
Just breath,
Let everything settle
And let everything be.
-ALC January 16, 2017

Why did your lying make you mad?

There’s a little bird singing in my room,
Hiding behind currents always peeking through.

There’s a little bird hiding in my room,
Singing a soft melody all about you.

There’s a little bird singing all night long,
Of all the good things you’ve ever done.

There’s a little bird singing in my room,
Now I can’t help but to sing along too.
-ALC April 7, 2017