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abs May 2016
a pain that is born, lives, and dies inside
where no one can reach it
its bottomlessness fills you
at the same time, you feel empty
so empty it scares you.
where do I go
what do I do
why even bother
should I even bother.
a pain so intense that its cause must have been love.
but what is love
how can this ugliness come from beauty.
this complexity from something so simple
it hurts so bad that I’m numb.
nothing can save me
nothing can save you
we are nothing
but you are *everything.
abs Jun 2016
**** your flowery words
they, just like you,
don't mean ****.
abs Jun 2016
You keep saying love
But your actions
And words speak hate
How could you do this to me?
abs Jun 2016
Relearning how to be without you.
I sit here alone watching couples
Bask in each others company
It's more important now than ever
To be alone and comfortable
Even if it's unwillingly
I was never separated from you and now, just the simple task of being alone is almost unbearable.
abs May 2016
Alone
I lay on this concrete slab
The sun is burning my skin
But I just turn the music up
And light another red
There is some grass
But I punish myself over here
I light another red and
Drift away
abs Jun 2016
finally, im myself again.
it seems that only happens
when im alone

im starting to wonder
whether i find ****** people
or im ******* crazy

maybe its a mixture
they dont treat me right
and i dont accept it

or maybe it really is me
im a life ******* monster
and they, my helpless prey

or maybe, its them
too shallow to comprehend
too self-centered to care
because im so powerful and dreadful, i have the tendency to just devour people. but at the same time, people i allow into my life are usually more powerful and dreadful than i. so what does it all mean? is there blame to be placed, or is it all just a **** mess? maybe, im better off not playing the blame game.
abs May 2016
Can It still be love if we are separate
Can it still be love if we can't talk
I spend my day longing for your touch.
I spend my nights alone in our bed.
I stare at my phone in confusion

Am I ready to talk to him
Can I bare it if it doesn't work out
Does he still care about me
Has he moved on
Have I moved on
abs May 2016
There are French fries all over the floor
The microwave won't ******* shut off
You're shouting, I'm screaming
A Spotify add joins in on our duet.
You tell me I didn't really have a miscarriage
And I swear the death inside me kicked.
The microwave is still humming
Accompanied by loud rhythmic beeps
You want to leave, you need to leave.
I push you back and block the way
All I want is fix this to fix us
I've never seen you like this
You throw the table
I've never seen myself like this
I slap you so hard...
Both of us are a shattered mess
Laughing truanting threats
You storm out and free
My war torn soul
I relapse and begin pleading
Death take me and heal me
This scratch on my neck
The cracking of my voice
There are French fries on the floor
And I am done.
abs Jun 2016
I don't know
Who you wrote
That apology to
But I know
For **** sure
It wasn't to me
abs Jun 2016
last night, i dreamed i was running running running
it was odd, so when i awoke i thought i was just traveling
however, as the morning progressed
i could shake the feeling that my dream was dark
after some deep thought i realized why i was running
you had beaten me.
yelled.
threatened.
attacked.
and i was hopelessly running running running
my dreams of him are no longer happy. this wasn't the first occasion i had nightmares at your memory. you drove by again yesterday, but this time i was with another man.. it shouldn't bother me, but im horrified that you're going to show up again, and make these nightmares a reality
abs May 2016
you told me
I didn't really have a
miscarriage
and I swear
the death inside me
kicked
abs May 2016
yesterday, i saw you
and my entire world shook
violently
i was out for a walk
enjoying nature
talking about music and love
i look up and there you are
why
you have already ruined me
over and over and over
with my permission
why cant one of us just disappear?
abs Jun 2016
I am not some fragile being
I'm not waiting for anyone
I'm not some prize or gift
I'm not a blessing
I'm powerful and dreadful.
I want someone who can handle me
I need someone who can calm me
I need an equal, a man
Equally powerful and dreadful
Love is so much more than I ever believed it was. But I'm glad I know that now, because I know I never really had it.
abs Jun 2016
yesterday I watched you
as you drove by and
gawked as if I was
some unfamiliar being
as if we weren't once
each other's universe
however, it wasn't sad
I had to stop myself
from laughing out loud
hope it was all worth it.
abs May 2016
what I wouldn’t give to be able to simply throw up over and over again until it’s like you were never here

I scratch compulsively at the ink that binds us together endlessly; until the day it's stain is no longer part of me

what I wouldn't give to somehow be released from the eternal flame that is our love--our love, that in 5 words, went from the sweetest of gifts to the darkest of curses.

I long for the sweet release of death to finally wipe the dirtied slate clean, and end the torture that is life without you.
abs Jul 2016
but in the end
i will never be
as alone as
i was with you.
abs May 2016
Everything is ****
These beautiful words
Strung together
They glorify
Hate anger lust
Immortalize the betrayal
Minimize the absolute pain
Remind me I am nothing
To you, to me, to the world
My actions, thoughts, deeds
Meaningless
You finally ripped
The tattered and worn
Flimsy strings
Our soul
Executed


Everything is ****, and all of this is a ******* joke to you.
abs Jun 2016
we drank the day away.
im 12 beers deep and still diving down
you’re catching up -- down?
round and round that lazy river we float
talking aimlessly, smoking endlessly.
nothing is important in this moment
nothing other than you and your easy smile
me and my hiccups.
giggly snapchat stories, and casual embraces
we drink the night away
floating to slurred compliments
and empty promises
You kiss me goodbye and
we both kiss what felt like a lifetime away.
abs May 2016
everything I see with you is now grey
nothing even close to white or black.
You always believed in yes/no.
Everything is one way or the other.
But nothing is any way anymore.
I lost myself trying
Turning grey to something pure
For you
I tried to dull the voices in my head
Shouting that grey is okay.
you are okay
I molded myself to him
The voices were strong.
but I am too strong
The pills weren't enough.
The drugs, the liquor, the cigarettes
Couldn't even hope to contain me
But how could they.
I am powerful and dreadful
I can think of no more honorable way
To lose true love.
The only black/white thing in my life.
Remaining, nothing but a blur of the two
The voices shout to leave leave leave
My heart shouts please
No more, no more, no more
But my soul...
Our soul betrays me.
Until my soul can be free,
We will stand and fight another day
Together. Bonded. Permanent.
Until that wonderful day
When all ties cut from you
The light dims
And my soul finds its end.
abs Jun 2016
im so scared it will happen again
all the love gone to ****
all the time wasted
all the words turning to daggers
all the actions calculated and dangerous

but what if this time its me
all the actions calculated and dangerous
all the words turning to daggers
all the time wasted
all the trust gone to ****

what if im the one using you now
I met someone who treats me better than i deserve. someone who lets me be me. someone who is down for me..but i worry its too soon. I dont want to become the monster thats using someone else. i dont want you to be a rebound. it would probably hurt me more than you anyway...
abs May 2016
I used to ask myself
compulsivly if I had
moved on
and whether or not
any of this was worth
the pain and work

The answer,
I moved on when you
****** my friend.
nothing I did, you deserved
none of it was worth it
i drug myself through ****
only to have you,
determined to destroy,
ruin everything we ever were
in reply to my poem: can it still be love
abs Jun 2016
I know I'm distant
I know I'm uninterested
Just don't remind me
Don't try to change me
Don't blame yourself
Just love me
abs Aug 2016
No matter how hard I try, your negativity always comes back to me somehow.  
It's so overwhelming, damning.
I just wish you would ******* move on already.
Let me go. Set me free.
Not just for me, but for you--for her.
make choices and back them up--make your words mean something.
abs Jun 2016
It must **** to be you.
Living with the ****
You put me through
The lies, the betrayal.
But mostly,
Not knowing
How to disern
Love from lust
abs Jun 2016
pillow fights
late nights
sailor jerry
cigarettes
tattoos

I don't know if this is going anywhere, but having it in this moment seems right.
abs May 2016
I used to put our foreheads together just to feel our souls joyfully connect.
I’d stroke your eyebrows and your perfect cheek bones.
And your eyes. Your right one just droopier than the other
id kiss their lids, thanking them for their loving gaze.
I used to rub my fingers through your soft peachy hairs.
I’d give it a playful tug when it got a little longer and frizzy.
When we drove, I loved to stare at your beauty while I just rubbed your head, and thought about how perfect forever with you sounded.
I used to crawl into our bed after a long day with the blessing of being able to sleep next to you.
Naked, our bodies grew fonder and fonder of each other with each passing day.
I loved it when you would lay your worried head on my chest. Strong and independent, but still my babe, my love, my all of it.
i hate that everything that we were became negativity....i hate that we have a tattoo..i hate that you will always have so much of me

what we had was real--at least for me. thats important to remember.
abs May 2016
Negativity
Fills my being
claws deep and powerful
my heart
Oh my heart
The pain
From your persistence
No one would blame you if you stopped.
Ended this
Retire my frame
The earth, wanting
Needing the life
I willingly release.
Rehouse me
Re-frame me
A new chance
To find my path-my love
A creature
most beautiful and horrifying
In a more perfect way
abs Jun 2016
people always tell me
you're pretty, you'll be okay
but its ****.
beneath all the 'pretty'
rugged, rotten, broken
happiness just out of my reach
success also mocking me
im consumed by a darkness
that constantly thrusts me down
further and further
into a world of ugly

so what good is the 'pretty'
when im rotting away inside
i will never understand how so many people can minimize everything. they chose to see the tiny tip of the iceberg, and say its all going to be okay because, look how pretty?
abs Jun 2016
like swallowing a bullet,
the anger builds in my head and face
forcing itself up and out
out away distant
i need it gone, I need it g o n e
the disrespect - the amount of blatant disregard
suddenly, my head is spinning
and I’m right back in that moment.
that moment when you threw the table.
that moment when you told me
you didn’t want me any more, like I’m trash.
that you ****** her, so suddenly after leaving
But, “it was never your* intention to hurt me”
You told her you love her and
Never meant it more in your life.
I’m relapse to welcoming death,
and let the anger control me again.
in that moment,
all i want, all i need
something quick and permanent
like swallowing a bullet.
abs May 2016
I’ve spent a life time
crying over you.
yes, love is hard,
but it should never
be this hard.
abs May 2016
our friends, now yours
no longer want
my company
bc of the poison
you filled them with
abs May 2016
constantly, i attempt
to bury the betrayal
but it burns my insides
and allows you
to conseal your misdoings
abs Jul 2016
What do you do
When all of it
Suddenly means nothing
but you have to
keep trying
abs May 2016
like it was nothing
you took everything
even old memories
that were untouchable
******* disgust me.
abs May 2016
Ive realized that
the fault is yours
you have secrets
hiding deep within
that eat at you
abs May 2016
you were never mine
to have or to hold
you belong to
those demons
you house within
abs May 2016
slowly, I’m rebuilding
giving you everything
was the worst
my body, a template
for a heartless monster
abs May 2016
if i could have
everything my way
our ******* tattoo
no stains remaining
to bind us
abs May 2016
compulsively, you
claim you loved me
yet all your actions
and horrible words
spell out the truth
abs May 2016
ive always said that
love isn't real
but an idea
we hope to grasp
until you
abs May 2016
but love shouldn't
allow for betrayal
over and over again
you blame me
for all your ****
abs May 2016
at the end of the day
all i ever wanted
was an apology
for the ****
you drug me through
abs Jul 2016
I told the love of my life
That I was pregnant with his child
But lost it
And he said 'oh really?'
And just continued on
His world, un-shattered

I lost the love of my life
I thought that he loved me back
But he didn't
And honestly I couldn't be happier
This time, I've continued on
My world, un-shattered
I don't know that words can describe the pain that shattered my soul with he didn't even bat an eye at my miscarriage. However, I know that I don't ever want to understand how his ******* twisted mind works anyway. Anyone that can look his 'all of it' in the eye and say 'you never even had a miscarriage' deserves a life full of the pain that phrase and loss will cause me for the rest of my life.
abs Jun 2016
you never loved me, and I know that
so why does this hurt so much?
I was only ever some prize to you, nothing more
so why does this hurt so much?
You were always nicer to her than you should have been
so why does this hurt so much?

you told her you loved her, and never meant it more in your life.
i just hope its as permanent as our tattoos.
how can you get promise rings with me? meet my family? set a wedding date? all when you never loved me? knowing all along that I was and am hopelessly in love with you.
abs May 2016
i wake up, go to work, do homework, go to bed.
im fueled by *****, stale prezels, reds, and betrayal
hangover after hangover, i do the same things
over and over expecting a different outcome.
am i crazy or am i just surviving?
no more smoking. no more drinking. no more pills.
detox and start working out.
lose yourself to find it.
i find nothing in all the new beginnings
but I have lost everything.
i no longer recognize the woman in the mirror.
shes empty and thin--why can no one see that?
they see the lashes, the tiny body, the hair
they tell me im intimidating
theyre so lucky to be able to talk to me.
they take what they want
and leave like the rest.
i am no longer living, just surviving
abs May 2016
I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I get out of our bed. I walk across the rug we bought together to wash off my face. You are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I throw on the same clothes I wore yesterday, and go back to the mirror. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s too late. Oh ****! It’s too late! I’ve missed my class..again.
You can do this. You can do this.
I walk back across the red rug
you preferred over the tan
and I think about how much
I’ve always hated red…


I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I go back to my closet and try to find suitable clothes for work, but nothing seems to look or feel right. Thoughts of our last conversation flood my mind. “I don’t want you any more” you said. 9 months..a wedding date..your niece who doesn’t like anyone who constantly asks about me and my nose jewelry..my grandma who still keeps our family Christmas picture on the fridge because you’re in it..everyone who keeps saying oh, there’s no way it's over. You’ll get back together…you are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.
I walk out the door feeling
completely worthless.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
You’re almost to work!
Pull yourself together!

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. Smile at the guests. Stop frowning so much. I am beautiful. I am important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I clock out and remember I have no where to be, no one to see, nothing to do…I have nothing without you…Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I walk across the red carpet
back to our bed where I spend
the rest of the day shaking and crying…
I have nothing…I am nothing…
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Stop crying. I am beautiful. I am important.
this is one of the first poems i ever wrote..i wrote it days after he left through tears.  its important to remember how far i have come even if its not that far
abs Jun 2016
the rage in your eyes.
the blood on my skin.
the hate in your words.
the strength in your arms.
the weakness of my frame.
the end of our soul
I look back on our relationship and im dumbfounded. how did you break me to the point that i was reliant upon you? how did you manipulate me to believe your lies? how did i not recognize your sheer lust for me and lack of love? i guess none of it matters now.
abs May 2016
time and space merge
our failures don't matter
our successes don't matter
our energies transform
we must fight
find each other again
but all is worth it
for even 9 months with you
abs May 2016
And after everything
Even with my
Loving heart
I would not accept
Any ******* apology
From the boy
Who broke my
Feeble heart
Then continued
Breaking the remaining
Shards into nothing
This isn't a power play, but recovery
we
abs Jun 2016
we
do not
******* use
we
in reference to
you and I
ever again.
you lost that privilege when you left, *******.
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