**** your flowery words
they, just like you,
don't mean ****.

You keep saying love
But your actions
And words speak hate

Relearning how to be without you.
I sit here alone watching couples
Bask in each others company
It's more important now than ever
To be alone and comfortable
Even if it's unwillingly

Alone
I lay on this concrete slab
The sun is burning my skin
But I just turn the music up
And light another red
There is some grass
But I punish myself over here
I light another red and
Drift away

finally, im myself again.
it seems that only happens
when im alone

im starting to wonder
whether i find ****** people
or im ******* crazy

maybe its a mixture
they dont treat me right
and i dont accept it

or maybe it really is me
im a life ******* monster
and they, my helpless prey

or maybe, its them
too shallow to comprehend
too self-centered to care

Can It still be love if we are separate
Can it still be love if we can't talk
I spend my day longing for your touch.
I spend my nights alone in our bed.
I stare at my phone in confusion

Am I ready to talk to him
Can I bare it if it doesn't work out
Does he still care about me
Has he moved on
Have I moved on

There are French fries all over the floor
The microwave won't ******* shut off
You're shouting, I'm screaming
A Spotify add joins in on our duet.
You tell me I didn't really have a miscarriage
And I swear the death inside me kicked.
The microwave is still humming
Accompanied by loud rhythmic beeps
You want to leave, you need to leave.
I push you back and block the way
All I want is fix this to fix us
I've never seen you like this
You throw the table
I've never seen myself like this
I slap you so hard...
Both of us are a shattered mess
Laughing truanting threats
You storm out and free
My war torn soul
I relapse and begin pleading
Death take me and heal me
This scratch on my neck
The cracking of my voice
There are French fries on the floor
And I am done.

I don't know
Who you wrote
That apology to
But I know
For **** sure
It wasn't to me

last night, i dreamed i was running running running
it was odd, so when i awoke i thought i was just traveling
however, as the morning progressed
i could shake the feeling that my dream was dark
after some deep thought i realized why i was running
you had beaten me.
yelled.
threatened.
attacked.
and i was hopelessly running running running

you told me
I didn't really have a
miscarriage
and I swear
the death inside me
kicked

yesterday, i saw you
and my entire world shook
violently
i was out for a walk
enjoying nature
talking about music and love
i look up and there you are
why
you have already ruined me
over and over and over
with my permission

I am not some fragile being
I'm not waiting for anyone
I'm not some prize or gift
I'm not a blessing
I'm powerful and dreadful.
I want someone who can handle me
I need someone who can calm me
I need an equal, a man
Equally powerful and dreadful

yesterday I watched you
as you drove by and
gawked as if I was
some unfamiliar being
as if we weren't once
each other's universe
however, it wasn't sad
I had to stop myself
from laughing out loud

what I wouldn’t give to be able to simply throw up over and over again until it’s like you were never here

I scratch compulsively at the ink that binds us together endlessly; until the day it's stain is no longer part of me

what I wouldn't give to somehow be released from the eternal flame that is our love--our love, that in 5 words, went from the sweetest of gifts to the darkest of curses.

I long for the sweet release of death to finally wipe the dirtied slate clean, and end the torture that is life without you.

but in the end
i will never be
as alone as
i was with you.

Everything is ****
These beautiful words
Strung together
They glorify
Hate anger lust
Immortalize the betrayal
Minimize the absolute pain
Remind me I am nothing
To you, to me, to the world
My actions, thoughts, deeds
Meaningless
You finally ripped
The tattered and worn
Flimsy strings
Our soul
Executed


Everything is ****, and all of this is a ******* joke to you.

we drank the day away.
im 12 beers deep and still diving down
you’re catching up -- down?
round and round that lazy river we float
talking aimlessly, smoking endlessly.
nothing is important in this moment
nothing other than you and your easy smile
me and my hiccups.
giggly snapchat stories, and casual embraces
we drink the night away
floating to slurred compliments
and empty promises
You kiss me goodbye and
we both kiss what felt like a lifetime away.

everything I see with you is now grey
nothing even close to white or black.
You always believed in yes/no.
Everything is one way or the other.
But nothing is any way anymore.
I lost myself trying
Turning grey to something pure
For you
I tried to dull the voices in my head
Shouting that grey is okay.
you are okay
I molded myself to him
The voices were strong.
but I am too strong
The pills weren't enough.
The drugs, the liquor, the cigarettes
Couldn't even hope to contain me
But how could they.
I am powerful and dreadful
I can think of no more honorable way
To lose true love.
The only black/white thing in my life.
Remaining, nothing but a blur of the two
The voices shout to leave leave leave
My heart shouts please
No more, no more, no more
But my soul...
Our soul betrays me.
Until my soul can be free,
We will stand and fight another day
Together. Bonded. Permanent.
Until that wonderful day
When all ties cut from you
The light dims
And my soul finds its end.

im so scared it will happen again
all the love gone to ****
all the time wasted
all the words turning to daggers
all the actions calculated and dangerous

but what if this time its me
all the actions calculated and dangerous
all the words turning to daggers
all the time wasted
all the trust gone to ****

what if im the one using you now

I used to ask myself
compulsivly if I had
moved on
and whether or not
any of this was worth
the pain and work

The answer,
I moved on when you
****** my friend.
nothing I did, you deserved
none of it was worth it
i drug myself through ****
only to have you,
determined to destroy,
ruin everything we ever were

I know I'm distant
I know I'm uninterested
Just don't remind me
Don't try to change me
Don't blame yourself
Just love me

No matter how hard I try, your negativity always comes back to me somehow.  
It's so overwhelming, damning.
I just wish you would ******* move on already.
Let me go. Set me free.
Not just for me, but for you--for her.

It must **** to be you.
Living with the ****
You put me through
The lies, the betrayal.
But mostly,
Not knowing
How to disern
Love from lust

pillow fights
late nights
sailor jerry
cigarettes
tattoos

I don't know if this is going anywhere, but having it in this moment seems right.

I used to put our foreheads together just to feel our souls joyfully connect.
I’d stroke your eyebrows and your perfect cheek bones.
And your eyes. Your right one just droopier than the other
id kiss their lids, thanking them for their loving gaze.
I used to rub my fingers through your soft peachy hairs.
I’d give it a playful tug when it got a little longer and frizzy.
When we drove, I loved to stare at your beauty while I just rubbed your head, and thought about how perfect forever with you sounded.
I used to crawl into our bed after a long day with the blessing of being able to sleep next to you.
Naked, our bodies grew fonder and fonder of each other with each passing day.
I loved it when you would lay your worried head on my chest. Strong and independent, but still my babe, my love, my all of it.

Negativity
Fills my being
claws deep and powerful
my heart
Oh my heart
The pain
From your persistence
No one would blame you if you stopped.
Ended this
Retire my frame
The earth, wanting
Needing the life
I willingly release.
Rehouse me
Re-frame me
A new chance
To find my path-my love
A creature
most beautiful and horrifying
In a more perfect way

people always tell me
you're pretty, you'll be okay
but its ****.
beneath all the 'pretty'
rugged, rotten, broken
happiness just out of my reach
success also mocking me
im consumed by a darkness
that constantly thrusts me down
further and further
into a world of ugly

so what good is the 'pretty'
when im rotting away inside

like swallowing a bullet,
the anger builds in my head and face
forcing itself up and out
out away distant
i need it gone, I need it g o n e
the disrespect - the amount of blatant disregard
suddenly, my head is spinning
and I’m right back in that moment.
that moment when you threw the table.
that moment when you told me
you didn’t want me any more, like I’m trash.
that you ****** her, so suddenly after leaving
But, “it was never your* intention to hurt me”
You told her you love her and
Never meant it more in your life.
I’m relapse to welcoming death,
and let the anger control me again.
in that moment,
all i want, all i need
something quick and permanent
like swallowing a bullet.

I’ve spent a life time
crying over you.
yes, love is hard,
but it should never
be this hard.

our friends, now yours
no longer want
my company
bc of the poison
you filled them with

constantly, i attempt
to bury the betrayal
but it burns my insides
and allows you
to conseal your misdoings

like it was nothing
you took everything
even old memories
that were untouchable
******* disgust me.

What do you do
When all of it
Suddenly means nothing
but you have to
keep trying

Ive realized that
the fault is yours
you have secrets
hiding deep within
that eat at you

you were never mine
to have or to hold
you belong to
those demons
you house within

slowly, I’m rebuilding
giving you everything
was the worst
my body, a template
for a heartless monster

if i could have
everything my way
our ******* tattoo
no stains remaining
to bind us

compulsively, you
claim you loved me
yet all your actions
and horrible words
spell out the truth

ive always said that
love isn't real
but an idea
we hope to grasp
until you

but love shouldn't
allow for betrayal
over and over again
you blame me
for all your ****

at the end of the day
all i ever wanted
was an apology
for the ****
you drug me through

I told the love of my life
That I was pregnant with his child
But lost it
And he said 'oh really?'
And just continued on
His world, un-shattered

I lost the love of my life
I thought that he loved me back
But he didn't
And honestly I couldn't be happier
This time, I've continued on
My world, un-shattered

you never loved me, and I know that
so why does this hurt so much?
I was only ever some prize to you, nothing more
so why does this hurt so much?
You were always nicer to her than you should have been
so why does this hurt so much?

you told her you loved her, and never meant it more in your life.
i just hope its as permanent as our tattoos.

i wake up, go to work, do homework, go to bed.
im fueled by *****, stale prezels, reds, and betrayal
hangover after hangover, i do the same things
over and over expecting a different outcome.
am i crazy or am i just surviving?
no more smoking. no more drinking. no more pills.
detox and start working out.
lose yourself to find it.
i find nothing in all the new beginnings
but I have lost everything.
i no longer recognize the woman in the mirror.
shes empty and thin--why can no one see that?
they see the lashes, the tiny body, the hair
they tell me im intimidating
theyre so lucky to be able to talk to me.
they take what they want
and leave like the rest.

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I get out of our bed. I walk across the rug we bought together to wash off my face. You are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I throw on the same clothes I wore yesterday, and go back to the mirror. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s too late. Oh ****! It’s too late! I’ve missed my class..again.
You can do this. You can do this.
I walk back across the red rug
you preferred over the tan
and I think about how much
I’ve always hated red…

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I go back to my closet and try to find suitable clothes for work, but nothing seems to look or feel right. Thoughts of our last conversation flood my mind. “I don’t want you any more” you said. 9 months..a wedding date..your niece who doesn’t like anyone who constantly asks about me and my nose jewelry..my grandma who still keeps our family Christmas picture on the fridge because you’re in it..everyone who keeps saying oh, there’s no way it's over. You’ll get back together…you are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.
I walk out the door feeling
completely worthless.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
You’re almost to work!
Pull yourself together!

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. Smile at the guests. Stop frowning so much. I am beautiful. I am important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I clock out and remember I have no where to be, no one to see, nothing to do…I have nothing without you…Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I walk across the red carpet
back to our bed where I spend
the rest of the day shaking and crying…
I have nothing…I am nothing…
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Stop crying. I am beautiful. I am important.

the rage in your eyes.
the blood on my skin.
the hate in your words.
the strength in your arms.
the weakness of my frame.
the end of our soul

time and space merge
our failures don't matter
our successes don't matter
our energies transform
we must fight
find each other again
but all is worth it
for even 9 months with you

And after everything
Even with my
Loving heart
I would not accept
Any ******* apology
From the boy
Who broke my
Feeble heart
Then continued
Breaking the remaining
Shards into nothing