i am not enough
not enough for u
not enough for me
i want to help u
but i dont even know where to begin
i will never be enough
to heal ur broken soul
in other words, to heal mine
i hurt myself because i have control.
u can't reach me.
ur fingernails cant shatter my glass skin anymore.
i hurt myself because at least i know i gave myself consent.
i didnt give u consent.
u broke every promise u ever made me and i should have known from the start that u would take me away from myself.
u know, i accepted the love that i thought i deserved.
i am nothing.
nothing but nothing.
i am nothing because i cannot escape u,
i cannot escape ur words,
i cannot escape ur screams,
ur "shut up and let it happen",
ur "i know u want it"
why wasn't i strong enough?
why didnt i think ahead?
i hurt myself because it makes ur hurt a little less strong.
i take pieces of my heart away from myself as if u haven't already taken away all of me.
u took me.
u took my feelings of genuine love and forgiveness and u ******* buried them.
so i hurt myself,
because maybe if i hurt myself enough u won't have the ability to do it urself.
I poured myself into her until she was overflowing at the brim
like reinforced steel
I bridged my heart to hers and welded myself to her soul
like the sun
I filled myself with light to cover her darkness
like a blanket
I shielded her from the harsh world underneath the covers
I orbited her aura until we inevitably collided
like a seed
I felt myself growing up from her
Then, like an idiot
I could tell she felt nothing.
i wanna write,
but i have no words.
i wanna scream,
let all my anger and numbness out,
but i dont have a voice anymore.
sometimes i feel okay
and i think everything will be quite alright,
but this void inside of me swallows me whole.
so i cut.
i cut my skin open and i cry,
because it makes me feel something.
the tears fall and the blood seeps out of my legs and i feel something.
just one more time and then i will stop,
i always say.
i promise i won't,
but then i do.
i always worry. about everything.
i just want to peel myself inside out and rip myself apart because i feel so broken and i feel so unable to heal myself.
how the **** am i supposed to heal myself?
no one listens,
he told he loved me and he didnt ******* listen.
twisted my words and my thoughts but i still let him in and he broke me and i wish i had never given him the power to.
how the **** do i heal from that?
im constantly scared that the person i love doesn't love me.
because i think and worry so much about everything that i convince myself she will never love me because i am so broken.
im constantly scared that she will hurt me even when she says she won't because everyone hurts me.
so i hurt myself.
i hurt myself to compensate for the hurt from others.
how the **** do i heal?
how do i know who i am?
how do i know what i want?
how the **** am i supposed to think im beautiful when i feel stupid and useless.
ive convinced myself that its just better to pretend im okay because i am so scared of hurting others.
how the **** do i heal?
u forgot my birthday,
it was never love, & that’s okay
sometimes i wonder if im avoiding my trauma,
i dont know how to tell if im okay or not.
i want everything to go blank,
i need everything to shut the **** up.
there is something so effortlessly beautiful about how u point at me to tell me I’m beautiful and i may be in love with u and i may be scared but i will be ****** if i don’t let u know that u r so ******* beautiful and **** and funny and incredible to me ur everything and i wish u saw that because u r, u r everything.
i wish that u saw the beauty that i see so clearly.
ur eyes r so blue and ur smile is so breathtaking.
ur eyes ur eyes they r so blue and u always say
“they’re just blue”
and i just wanna scream when i see u because ur so beautiful and i hope that our love is as beautiful as it can be because u make me feel so safe and
i want u to hold me in ur arms and i want to run ur hair through my fingers and i want to press my lips against urs and
i want to press my body against urs and i want to feel ur heartbeat i want to wear ur stupid jacket and love ur stupid ugly dog and i want to know ur mom even tho she ***** i want to know her and
i want to make memories with u and i want to laugh until it hurts at our embarrassing stories and i want to go to walmart in the middle of the night or
watch my girl and you’ll pretend ur not crying even tho u r and i want to experience everything with u.
ur horrible nights i will hold u and i will tell u that everything is going to be okay and when u cant think straight and ur so far from okay i will tell u to breathe and tell u to think about the beauty in life and
I’m so ******* scared because I’ve had to accept the fact that u could break my heart but i feel like u won’t and
ur so patient ur so ******* patient ur so good and
ur so ******* beautiful and ur so gentle and u act so tough but ur not and that’s okay that is beautiful
u r so beautiful
i can’t grasp it and i am ******* in love with u and that scares me so bad
oh my ******* god
that is so scary to me and i know that it’s scary for u too bc u r so scared to be attached but i will never hurt u i will never walk away i will always tell u ur beautiful and i will always mean it. im so scarred from my past but i don’t care because u think my scars r beautiful and u dont want to fix me u dont want to cover up my scars u embrace them and u make me feel safe in showing them to u.
u r so beautiful.
i love u.