she had the soul of a poet,
& the fire of a bullet

i hurt myself because i have control.
u can't reach me.
ur fingernails cant shatter my glass skin anymore.

i hurt myself because at least i know i gave myself consent.
i didnt give u consent.
u broke every promise u ever made me and i should have known from the start that u would take me away from myself.


u know, i accepted the love that i thought i deserved.
i am nothing.
i am
nothing but nothing.
i am nothing because i cannot escape u,
i cannot escape ur words,
i cannot escape ur screams,
ur "shut up and let it happen",
ur "i know u want it"

why wasn't i strong enough?
why didnt i think ahead?
i hurt myself because it makes ur hurt a little less strong.
i take pieces of my heart away from myself as if u haven't already taken away all of me.
u took me.
u took my feelings of genuine love and forgiveness and u ******* buried them.
so i hurt myself,
because maybe if i hurt myself enough u won't have the ability to do it urself.

my sky isn’t blue,
my soul is.
my sky is all kinds of madness visible to the naked eye,
my sky is violet & pink,
yellow & green,
being this sad,
this mentally mad,
it does stink.

my world isn’t calm,
it’s got waves & waves of uncertainty & quite beautiful storms.
i wish to wake & believe that somewhere within this mess, i am beauty,
however,
my heart isn’t strong enough to have faith in that yet.

my sky isn’t grey,
my heart is.

i used to write
but carving stanzas in my skin feels better now
i can’t form the thoughts
or get the words out
so i let the blood spill instead
each drop is a rhyme my brain can’t find
i was never meant to last a long time

i wear pants all year round
i keep it to myself because
these kinds of poems feel so good it hurts

if only you’d stop letting the world define who you are,
if only, sweet, golden child.

if only you’d close your eyes and run through those sun soaked fields.

if only you’d let go of your pride, let go of your safety, and take a chance.
your emotional drainage holds no reigns on you, golden child.

unleash.
be who you are,
you sweet, sweet, golden child.

i can’t call you a stranger,
but i can’t call you mine.

lights everywhere...
flicker.
up and down my street;
all across the world.

the bathroom light flickers as the delicate body that once was mine is burned.
burned by the disgustingness that uprises from my throat.
burned by the water from the too long showers i take
no matter how hard i try to throw up and flush the pain,
or how hard i try to scrub it off my skin with scorching hot water,
it never leaves.
the suffering never ends.

my kitchen light flickers.
as i eat my feelings.
or as i attempt to starve myself.
the fridge light flickers while i stare out at my backyard as if i was trapped in my house, and couldn’t go outside no mater how hard i tried.

the hall light flickers.
as i walk from room to room.
i relate to you, hallway.
you feel like you’re always being used,
for closets,
and to get from place to place.
no one cares much about you,
yet if you weren’t there they’d need you, want you back.
only then do they care.

the downstairs light doesn’t flicker.
only if i’m down there.
she thinks “what have i done wrong?”
oh mother. if only you knew what ran through my head.
the downstairs light doesn’t need to flicker,
it has long been off.

my bedroom light flickers.
when i frown. or laugh. or cry. or smile.
when i’m feeling down and when i’m high.
it flickers while i sit on my floor, head up against my dresser, hands running through my hair and across my eyes, wiping away tears.
i feel nothing except everything.

do the lights ever just simply turn on?
or will they just dim more and more until they give up?

it’s quite the beautiful tragedy,
the fact that i’m not severely unhappy anymore,
just slightly.
i’m just slightly miserable.
i don’t feel worthless every single night anymore,
just some nights.
sometimes i even feel a little slither of love for myself.
my oxytocin levels are improving.
it’s enough, for now,
to just be slightly unhappy.
just slightly depressed.
i just hope one day,
i can be more than okay.
and i hope that one day i can no longer be slightly unhappy,
but slightly happy.

the words spilled from her mouth

here i sit,
as my best friend,
tells me
you have another.

i shouldn’t care.
but i do.

no matter how hard i try,
the poetry for you in which i write,
never ceases.
it just keeps pouring out of my soul.
it sometimes seems as if,
the poetry i write for you is what keeps my heart beating.
what keeps me breathing.

but now, what am i supposed to do?
her?
seriously?
do you think she will love you?
do you really think she will love you?
please tell me.

it’s hard to think of you with another
because we used to be so in love with each other.

it’s been a long time since we last spoke,
but it feels as if all the memories of us i have were just made yesterday.

you have another.
who will never,
ever,
love you in the way i could.

but my question for you is,
will you love her in the way you could towards me?

you color me. your kind hands paint over my grey skies and turn me into a breathtaking sunrise.
you turn me from blue to a lilac soul.

turn each and every ounce of sadness and doubt within me into something so incredible and beautiful i can not

explain.

the thoughts you think spin me round and round until i’m too dizzy to stand.

your lovin’ drives me so wild i can barely not feel so **** alive.

your touch send chills into my whole body, for you are the most magnificent creature eyes
could
ever
see.
you are a ray of sunshine in my world. my world that used to be infinitely filled with darkness. my world of hell turned completely up side down and is now a heaven because of your presence.

your body so stunningly lingers within my mind. it is simply incredible, how such a strong person could yet still be so gentle with me.
not hurt a single bone in my body.

you color me. change me. in a way, that is unexplainable.
in a way, i never want to not remember.

last time i was in your room,
your walls were painted blue.
but this time,
they’re yellow.

i loved u at my worst.
hospital bed,
not even allowed to eat.
u were all i needed to feel good.
u couldn’t bare to see me that ugly.
u didn’t want me when we couldn’t see each other.
nonetheless, i loved u.
i loved u when u had nothing to give,
when i couldn’t even walk on my own two feet.
u didn’t even love me all dressed up,
u didn’t even love me with my clothes off.
u weren’t decent enough to pretend u loved me,
even at my worst.

i miss you.
i miss your house.
i miss you brother & your sister.
i miss your parents.
i miss our laughs which intertwined so perfect.
i miss your bedroom floor.
i miss your backyard.
i miss our memories.
attempting to make chicken,
attempting to make it through the night.
i miss the way you made me smile.
& most of all,
i miss how happy you made me,
how happy i made you.
i wish, just once,
that i could be back on your floor,
where we could understand each other.
where we could pour our hearts out,
and we would cry & laugh & know that we were forever.
but now,
i feel like i’m falling & the carpet on your bedroom floor isn’t there to catch me.
i miss you.

i’m wrapped up in your sheets,
i’m wrapped up in your mind.

you’re strangling me,
but your hands feel so gentle in doing so.

i’m wrapped up in what i wish we were,
& unaware of what actually exists.

i feel you when you’re gone,
but i wonder, am i only just feeling my idea of you?

do i know you, and are there things you wish to tell me that your mind won’t let you speak of?

do you know me,
have i let you see me,
or just what i believe to be?

is this love,
or are we looking through misproportioned emotions formed by our individual needs to be important to another?

i wonder if i called u, if u would pick up the phone.
i wonder if i asked u to, if u would come home.
home to me.
i wonder if i was the first real something u had.
i wonder if u will remember my birthday.
i wonder how ur dad is doing.
i saw ur sister the other day.
i wonder if ur eyes still look green as shining grass in the sunlight.
i wonder if we truly r meant to be.
i wonder if u wish u kept ur promises.
i wonder if u remember our anniversary.
i forgot ur middle name.
i wonder if u remember mine.
i wonder if u found ur peace.
i wonder if ur happy.
i wonder if u still feel my body pressed against urs.
do u still remember november 22nd,
i wonder if u still know that's the first day u told me u loved me.
i wonder if u wonder,
what could have been?
i wish i could still fall to my slumber hearing ur voice.
i wish i could hear about ur day, still,
i wish i could see ur soul, still,
i wish i knew ur regrets,
ur new experiences,
still,
i wish i was next to u.
i wonder if u have love for me like i always will for u,
still,
i still love u.

i’m not ur soul mate,
but i’m jealous that someone else gets to smell u on their skin.
i’m jealous that someone gets to laugh at ur jokes,
& smile knowing that u mean it when u call them beautiful.
i’ll never forget that time we sat in the taco bell parking lot for 4 hours laughing & talking.
& u screamed at that spider in ur car,
but i just picked it up & gently put it outside.
u always were so sarcastically dramatic,
u were so funny.
i get upset,
knowing that u never would have made me happy,
because i do not know why,
i just know that i never would have been fulfilled.
u told me i broke u,
i made u give up.
u told me that i was ur soul mate,
that i was the most precious & special girl you’d ever meet,
u told me that u could spend ur life twirling my curls around ur fingers.
u told me i was smart & that i could do anything with my life.
i should have held on,
because i had love.
u loved me.
but i pushed u away
because i never would have loved u,
& i am sorry.
i’m sorry that i couldn’t give u the world u deserved.
i want to smell u one last time,
u always smelled so nice,
u always used the cologne i liked the best.
u adored me.
i adored the way u made me feel,
but not u.

i don’t want to **** my self,
i just want to fall asleep & not wake up.

i don’t want it to be painful,
i don’t want to cut my wrists.

i just want silence.
i want the crazy to shut the **** up.

my head is insane,
i am filled with space.

i’m paralyzed,
i’m numb.

when did i become so empty?

i don’t want to **** myself,
but i don’t want to be alive.

let me let you go.
why can’t you just,
let me let you go.

your eyes.
the way they used to, look.
your lips.
the way they used to, kiss.
your hands.
the way they used to, touch.

your characteristics,
you,
won’t let me let you go.

let me
******* let you go.
i am begging you.

i let you,
now do the same for me.
let me be happy without you.

please.
please.
just let me,
let you go.
once and for all.

i’m lying between the sun & the moon,
i am contained within a deep slumber,
& perhaps dreaming of paradise

i talked to you for the first time in months. like really, really talked to you. and it felt so weird because we weren’t saying i love you. we weren’t planning what time i was coming over. we weren’t arguing about who was cuter, or who loved who more, or arguing about stupid little things. and i guess it was weird because i was okay with it. you do all of those things with her now, and i do all of those things with him. its weird because we used to be so in love. my heart craved you and every bit and piece of you. my body ached for yours to be with it. my mind wandered, looking around for yours. but now, it doesn’t. and oh, the tears i cried. my heart was indeed broken. and i suppose that means i truly loved you.

the first time i saw you, you were hugging another girl. and i had no clue that in the following months after that that we would just happen to stand next to each other at that game. i had just played, and smelled awful, you didnt care. i didnt know that we’d go to the pumpkin patch and pick out pumpkins together, i didn’t know we’d have food fights in your kitchen, or word search competitions with your family. i didnt know we’d pull all nighters just cause we never wanted to stop talking to each other, or that we’d trade clothes, or kiss in the hallways, or have cuddle fights. i didnt know we’d cry together as we watched stupid movies. i didnt know we’d fall in love like we did. i never thought we would.

the last time i saw you, you were sitting in front of me. i wondered how you were doing, truly. i wondered how your dad was, and your mom, how her students were, especially the one with the same name as you. the one that wrote you a letter about salad being party food. i wondered if your beautiful green eyes still looked just as magnificent in the sunlight as they did that day we went ice skating. i wondered if you look at her how you used to look at me.

yesterday night we reminisced. we talked about old times. old inside jokes. old memories. we talked about your new girl, and my new guy. we didnt talk about your dad and how he’s doing, or how mine is. we didnt say “ i love you”, we didnt talk on the phone all night, we didn’t argue about who was cuter. we are not in love anymore. we have both moved on. yesterday i told you we should catch up more often. yesterday you told me you had watched a movie we made a bet about months ago, and i lost. but the truth is, you, darling, are the one that lost. you gave up on me, and for that i forgive you. but i want you to know that though i lost that bet, you lost when you let me walk away.

i can feel you, loving me.
i can hear you, listening to me.
i can taste you, long after you’re gone.
i can smell you, even after you’ve left my bedroom.
i can see you, being mine, forever.

tell me sweet little lies,
tell me things to make me stifle my giggling under the covers,
of my bed,
of my heart.

tell me sweet little lies,
its what you're good at.
make my cheeks blush,
make my mind race.

tell me sweet little lies,
its what you have always done,
its all you will ever do.

"i love you" was when your sweet little lies turned into evil big lies.
you lied through your teeth & said the thing i was feeling.

tell me sweet little lies,
tell me evil big lies.
whisper them through your pathetic truths.
say them to my face,
& make me believe your
sweet.
little.
lies.

u have fire at ur fingertips,
fire on ur lips,
ready to burn me with ur touch,
make me melt with ur words.

u have oceans in ur eyes,
ready to drown me with just a glance,
ready to fill my lungs with salt water when i breathe u in.

look at me,
baby blue to baby blue.
whisper to me that we shouldn’t be doing this,
& let your passion show me the opposite.

let your kiss shower me with the love we once had,
& let your body show me that love still exists.

you can’t look me in the eyes,
directly into my soul,
& tell me you don’t love me.
you do. as do i.

promise me you won’t let this feeling of infinity between us fade away as you fall asleep next to her.

ur soul,
it is the sun.

i’m sitting in the library.
my favorite place.
it’s raining quite hard.
i’m thinking about love.
and the book i’m reading.
i’m thinking about the best day of my life,
and wondering when it’ll come.
i’m thinking about the things that i seek in this life.
i’m thinking about my hopes and dreams,
and how much i desire to make a change in this world.
i’m sitting in my favorite place.
pitter.
patter.
i love the the rain,
for it represents the certainty of a beautiful tomorrow.

every day is a drag,
except it doesn’t feel as good as a cigarette.

i feel eaten alive from the inside out.

i am not me. i do not know me. me has been utterly swallowed by this demon living in my body.

i am not enough
not enough for u
not enough for me
i want to help u
but i dont even know where to begin
i will never be enough
to heal ur broken soul
in other words, to heal mine

blow my mind,
pull the trigger.
**** me,
but never softly.

do you think of me?
when you think of the things you regret, do i make you fret?
when you think of the things you have loved, do you think of me?
i want to be someone you think of?
our love came to a close,
with no warning.
no sign of goodbye,
it snuck up on us,
like thief’s in the night.

we happened at the wrong time.
it is nothing short of tragic.
it was as if we had forced the stars to align and the moon to shine.
but...we were those lovers who were different. right?
we had the connection everyone else looked for, right?
little did they know what truly went on within us.

all the games we played with each other’s minds,
you see, we were so worried about each other’s thoughts we forgot the way it felt to just be within each other’s arms.

alas, the past shan’t be changed.
do you still think of me?
because,
from time
to
time,
i think of you.
and maybe shed a tear or two

being with you,
reminds me of times when i know i’m about to do something very awful,
but i still do it anyway.
even though i’ll regret it,
the feeling of being infinite,
and so purely happy,
even if just for a second,
makes everything worth the risks.

i swore i loved u from sunrise to sunset & all in between. u swore you’d love me until time consumed the world. i told u i loved u until it hurt. i loved u until it withered me away. i swore i wouldn’t let go. u swore you’d never leave. i couldn’t breathe but u still walked away. i watched u leave one last time. even when u hurt me i was still yours. i swear i hear ur voice in my sleep. i need u to come home. i told u i couldn’t be without u but i still walk alone. even tho ur hand fit perfectly in mine u still let our last kiss be our last.

the person you thought protected you, was actually the person you needed the most protection from all along.

something about u
makes everything seem
less heavy

although it doesn’t hurt quite like it used to,
i still feel u when i close my eyes.

u hold her tight through the night,
just right,
i don’t wish it was me anymore.

u forgot my birthday,
it was never love, & that’s okay

can you please explain to me,
how you are always the best you that you can be,
but almost effortlessly

baby,
i know you want to know me,
but you will lose your mind
trying to understand mine

you said you were sure you did.
i said the same.
we both knew how much of an understatement that was.

you said we should talk about it,
i said i agreed.
but i knew,
our eyes,
our late night talks about random ****,
said everything.

you said you missed me,
i said “same hereeee”
i just want to be in your arms.

the way your voice sounds,
the way in which you speak to me,
boy,
you have no idea how wild it drives me.

you talk,
as i listen.
i smile.
at the thought,
of you being mine.

i talk,
as you listen.
the phone being the only thing separating us.
i want to play with your hair.

i drift asleep,
hearing only the sound of your voice.

the next day,
you tell me i was snoring.
i laugh,
flustered.
you say you loved it,
you thought it was cute.

i want to call you when i’m crying in the middle of the night,
so you can calm me in that way you do.

i want you to call me when you have random thoughts,
so we can discuss them as we like to do.

i want to call you when i think of a bad joke,
just so i can hear you laugh your laugh.

i want you to call me,
yours.

your jet black curls,
brought me to my knees,
they make me so **** weak.

as you slightly nudge me off the sidewalk,
i realize how much i love the thought of us flirting all through the night.
i realize that you are all i never knew i wanted.
i realize that when i’m upset, i want to talk with you, when i’m happy, excited, bored, when im feeling super high and super low,
i always want to be talking to you.

what have i gotten myself into?
you, are going to **** me up.
but i don’t mind.

i adore u.
i adore the way u walk,
the way u talk,
the way u smile,
especially at me.

i adore ur eyes,
u think they’re cloudy,
to me,
they’re a pure blue that i could stare at for forever.

u take my sunglasses off,
look at things differently.

u hide ur emotions,
let me see ur soul.
it’s okay, beautiful girl,
i won’t hurt u.
let me see u,
the real u.
i want to know ur traumas,
i want to know what keeps u up at night,
i want to sing u to sleep,
i don’t want to heal u,
i want to hold ur hand while u heal urself.

don’t hide who u r,
let me see u.

let me love u.

i love you.
& i ******* hate it.
you want to mess with my feelings,
i let you.
& i ******* hate it.
you make me feel like i’m different,
i believe you.
& i ******* hate it.
you don’t love me,
& i ******* hate it.