I love you, but you don't.

I wish we never broke up.

Growing up in an empty house
you learn a thing or two about survival
as your bones grow stronger and your heart grow sturdier
independence is the only word you know
sometimes you get confused between loneliness and alone
but you stand upright no matter how hard the rain pours or the wind blows
it comes a time when festivities draw near;
the bells are jingling, Christmas carols are playing
and you sit there lonely, and alone
that the empty house you grew in
stays quiet for the evening -

for once in my life
I choose not to be selfish
I want you to be okay
to be okay
bury your thoughts about me
extinguish your feelings for me
cleanse your mind of all of me
and make your choice
to be okay

maybe one day
when you've rid of all that you should
when your heart don't sink so much
as your mind and hands roam
then come back to me

I'll be okay from now till then
because I choose you
over me
for once in my life
I choose not to be selfish

it took me years
for me to face my fears
to realize that it is okay
to be bisexual

it took you a second
to spit out words of blame
now all I hear is,
the ringing of "wrong"
and the beat of "stupid"
a string of sharp knives
come right at my heart

I'm starting to cry
and ask myself why
is it so wrong to be me?

if I were to choose between death by fire or ice,
I would pick the latter
in a quiet way it creeps onto you
crawling all over,
and suddenly you don't feel a thing,
as if preserved in your own form,
soundly you sleep.

I never understood the cliches of love
but with you, I do
fall in love with you every day all over again,
feel the butterflies in my tummy when you smile at me
mostly, that you're the love of my life and I want to be with you forever

you're gentle on your toes
while I'm breaking my bones
reaching for you
but I'm trying
I'm trying
I'm
trying

I was tumbling down a flight of broken stairs
right where it ended
I thought I was safe

until the floor boards split open
left me hanging around
and I thought
this is it, the real meaning of end
but it never came
just hung there
rigid and lame
waiting for a helping hand
no one came
no one helped
I was there all by myself

I dream of a painting of her
occupying one third of the canvas
painting of her on the left
leaving the rest of it blank and empty

although you may think this isn't right, and you are entitled to your own opinion.
I personally think it is something we are born with, we are not any less real than the rest.
They bleed and hurt the same as everyone else.
all I ask for is for equality.
(we shall not pray, it's not a miracle im asking and hoping for.)

For my Grandfather

Whenever I start to feel sad about the passing of my grandfather, I remind myself about how the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death.  When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions.  Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not.  ‘Have you found joy in your life?’  'Has your life brought joy to others?’”

When I think of my grandfather, his life and how he affected everyone around him, I am consoled, because I know that he is in a better place now.

He was always a healthy man, and no one would have seen him falling sick and passing so quickly. It came as a shock to my family, because I don’t think we had enough time to tell him how much he meant in our lives. I have yet to grow up and do what a filial granddaughter should have done. But I guess, we were meant to lose people we love. Because how else would we know how important they are to us?

There are some things that I’ll really miss, those nights where he would come into my room, sit on the beanbag beside me and watch television shows with me.

The times where I am on my way home, and I see him riding his old and rusty bicycle and going to get the paper for my grandmother.

Or the times where we would have dinner together and he would always ask me about how my day was, and even how my friends were doing. Because that was the kind of man he was.

As I look back on the life of my grandfather, he was someone I looked up to. In his times, earning a living was difficult, but he managed to grow out of poverty, to provide an education for my father. It was not easy, but he never gave up. His love for my grandmother was unconditional, and they were married till his last day. Sometimes I would hear their petty squabbles, but my grandfather would always let her win. It was a beautiful thing to know that they have grown old together and lived a full life.

This is why I am sure that he went to heaven. He had so much love in his heart, and he shared it with everyone around him. My biggest regret is that, I loved him very much but I don’t ever remember telling him that.

In the end, it is the small things that you remember of people you love, and even when you lose someone you love, they never really leave you. They just move into a special place in your heart.

As the days go by
as the months go by
as the years go by
picture of us fleet back into my mind
dreams about you conquer my mind
and I know I want to see you
I know I want you
maybe it was wrong timing
maybe I was young and stupid
maybe I gave up too easily
I did it
I ruined us
and now 'we' can never happen
'us' is a term used and done
long gone before I can forget about it
and I miss you
but I can't tell you
you drifted into the wind
with many significant others of your own
and I have mine
but I am not happy
my mind wanders and stops
right at the thought of you
I can't stop remembering
reminiscing
and loving
you

like sharp pain through my heart
And the sting in my eyes,
I may not understand the full meaning of heartache
but whatever it is,
that dull, swollen feeling
that seems to ******* me
from doing things I once loved

stripped me of all happiness
and life

I was greedy and wanted more
I am sorry

I was miles away from you
I couldn't help feeling lonely
I am sorry

I thought I couldn't love you
I am sorry

I tried to make myself love someone else
someone who could be by myself
I am sorry

the truth is,
I loved you five years ago,
and I love you now
you think that I am a liar
I am sorry

you found someone else
I am sorry

I want you back.
but I know you don't.
I am sorry.

I want to make it right.
I want to make you mine
I am finally stepping into the city you live in
for a year
I am finally close to you physically
but you don't want to see me
and I am sorry

right now, all I can say is
I am sorry
and even that can't change anything

I am sorry.

my mind works in endless circles
churning and crashing
to find brilliancy in things
to perhaps be a pioneer even at this time,
invent or revamp,
prove my soul worthy and wishing for  fame
but I lie in here feeling worthless,
with nothing to my name.

unknowingly, in sleepless unconsciousness
she crawled under my skin
into my veins and tangled herself
in the strings within me

watching her snuggle
with what caused me to struggle
I let her

like disease, it shot right through, and pierced through my ribcage that encased and protected what you call, my heart

crying out, before I started to edge over my sanity that took almost a life to try and save myself
I tried to stop it

within my corrupted and weak cells, faster than the speed of light, she took over my cellebrum and had me begging for more

she is my ecstasy,
the drug
the meaning
the place

there's no way to drown it out
please stop the lying
my heart can't hear anymore
my ears can't bear it anymore
don't ask me to love you
when you are loving someone else
please don't torment me like this

what is the provenance of our suffering? what is the provenance of our pain?

in my mind screams imperfections. I’m ugly, grotesque, an abomination. I deserve no one

there is no way I can escape myself for I am trapped. lodged between the dead and the living, I must be somewhere in between. so badly I want to leave my place, to leave me entirely. leave to a better place, a better place in my head.

I must be delirious. thinking that I have lost too much of myself to remember who i am. I now exist as an insignificant shell of who I used to be.

I used to make bright, fluorescent yellow chalk to draw the lines. to create space between everything, like a vacuum. this separation was the good and bad, this separation was my feelings and I, this separation was my life. like all things else, it fades and goes away.

faded
faded
and faded
till one day I see it no more.
there was no line, no boundaries and no separation.

the horrors of my past haunted me
the guilt from inside my heart overwhelmed me
the crazy from deep in my mind resurfaced
the pain within my scars hurt again

I try to retreat back to familiarity
take cover, I say, take cover!
but there was no one left
I was alone
I am alone
just days ago, I thought i would never be
I thought wrong

I need air
I need to wake up
enough

How do you compete with that
Correction
How do I compete with that  
She is a composition of demure flowers; scent of the wind and the sound of quiet ruffling of the leaves
An entire landscape of serenity and pretty
While I –
Am a wholly mess of broken up family and fallen silence as i make my presence
As if the light has been snuffed out and all that's left is the shadow of emptiness
And if you knew how musty the air smelled like —
Tell me again, how do I compete with that

baby
I know what I've said
I know what I did
but baby

can't you hear my heart cry
can't you see me ******* die
Im afraid you think I'm not good enough
baby tell me why,
i don't know what to do
when I wake up without you
lying with an empty side
with nothing and not a clue

I must sound so crazy right now
but I really miss your sound
can you hold my hand once more
and tell me that you won't be gone for long

remember times where you kiss my cheek
or tell me things really sweet
I would smile and think that
I must be really happy

but look what has become of us
tell me what you think
about both of us apart
can you bear to break my heart
and leave me with a scar
baby dont leave me now
I'm falling apart

As a child, whenever we fall,
we keep standing up,
and eventually we could run

When I was a child and wondered why adults
always held a bottle in one hand,
and a cigarette in the other.
eyebrows furrowed and spoke in a tense, angry way

their tongues were like angry lashes
that whipped and hurt everything in its way
eyes so red you couldn't recognize them
adults, thats what they are

but now i get it
i get why when we grow up
we fall and we don't wish to get up anymore

you asked me why I left
I said I don't love you anymore
that is a lie I live to regret
the pain of my unworthiness
ate away my soul and I couldn't bear
for you to see me in this hole
aching for you to caress me
and whisper softly 'I love you'
touch me in places no one else would
maybe I was more than disappointed
when you believed my lie
gave me up to leave me alone
hoping you could chase me once more
leave me marks when I wake the next day
show me how you want me to love you
help me make things work for us
but you gave me up a long time ago
silly of me to think,
that finally someone loves me,
only to crush my soul to know
you moved on in a blink of an eye,
flitting by, you find another girl
to place those lips and mark her neck
you love those hips, sigh
and now you call her 'baby'
you'll never be mine

your scent lingering on
these cold sheets,
is all I have to remind myself
that you were here before

how can you be so cold
sometimes I wished you could
possibly tell me what you are thinking
but look at you,
your lips in a tight line
your eyes strained as if
to bring yourself out of here
I hold my knees to my chest
quietly, I sit here,
giving you enough space
maybe you would stay with me a little longer
hold my hands enough for me to feel warm again

if only you could tell me how you feel
I admit, I am of no help to you
I am trying, I promise
I will not ask you to make a decision
or start a conversation that I know you cannot answer
I will sit here quietly,
rocking in this chair in deafening silence
waiting for you to choose me,
choose me,
choose me,
for you to choose me.

unwrapped myself from layers that preserved my soul
to let you into my world
let a little secret or two leak
but promise me that you'll love
parts of me I cannot

my anger lick walls like flames
and I would be a burning house
down the lane
I am the one your friends hate
they point their fingers
' You're not good enough'
would you love me more
than what they say

I don't ask for much
just for you to stay

round after round, here we go
chasing butterflies
we were ignorant of everything else but mesmerized by it's beauty
until one of us started thinking with our heads instead of our hearts
- I stopped running
and you go on,
chasing butterflies
that were never meant to be caught

you wish to unravel my demons
relish in your glory after
but darling, you don't know the gory business of this abyss
this is my abyss and it is not fair for you to see it

once you had a little insight into what I could possibly become
when sadness ate me up and only spewed out red upon open wounds
you took a step back, and almost fell over
you weren't ready to see it
but you chanced upon it
you weren't ready
you weren't ready
you couldn't believe it

but it is true, my baby
they exist
they thrive within me

darkness in my veins
is crawling up my arm
inch by inch,
I am engulfed.

my skin has lost it's color,
warmth and
I am cold as ice.
skin that is tightened around bones and muscles
no longer hold wrinkles and hang loose

tightness in my chest
I can hardly breathe
pain - my biggest fear
I can almost ******* tears

I lie in bed for what seemed like years
crying to myself
I thought the end was near
but I awoke hours later
to find myself only worse

drowning in the misery
my mind had created
every moment of it so frightening
every moment it feels like I'm dying

I should be happy
but maybe it is difficult sometimes
to remember pleasantries and surprises
beautiful things that land on our shoulders, like butterflies
but only remember how the devil
would rush in with darkness,
cloud memories and logic
- everything that you once thought you understood
gets washed away by rain and tears,
but you got to stand up and face your fears
the one thing we say when facing death:
"not today"

On a white wall,
I see flowers and vines stretched all over,
Like a blanket of beauty and life.
It was this big white wall
That helps make this house a safer one
Hugging this safe house (to say you are safe now)

On a white wall,

I see the blinks and sparkles
Of little stars and lights
Oh how strange this dark galaxy
Shines a light so white

On a white wall,

I see a mess
Of darkness and crimes
Scrawled all over was insanity
When feelings rise.

you never met the me I was before
you never saw me as the wrecked and sunken ship
or how my feelings showed up on the splitting of my skin
with madness comes the bruising and indentations of me

many nights for many years, yanking at my hair,
eyes bleeding tears and "I'm sorry"s
I cannot fix myself
my mind fixates on the broken parts of me that used to be the reason
I try to die
you don't understand how I carved my pain onto my skin, into permanence that I'll see
so that I will always remember that grotesque and ugly part of me
that I hide from eyes that are scratching to reach

I have no words to explain how my mind works
that without the pill, I'm falling into relapse and sickness series,
that vices help keep me fit
from sorrows and pain that is burning within me
I'll be okay for awhile, when the waves seem to be calming and free
but when the flood comes, I'm not ready for it
feelings of nostalgia and out of control hits me in the face
and knock me down to my knees
I reach for the thing
that reminds me that
pain is physical

hands are shaking, my heart is beating,
my mind is in a whirlpool I don't know why
and here it goes again,
the sea in my head now runs down my thighs in red
I don't mean to, but the pain
i feel now - at least it is real

One day you find out
of the broken parts of me and I'm afraid that it'll hurt you too
so I could never tell you
how it feels to be encased into a mind of locked cells and silver bars
- but I love you!

you push me away, ask me why and all I can do is sigh,
"I'm disappointed in you" is all you muster, should I cry?
I soak in the hurt in your heart, the disappointment in your eyes
I never considered your feelings
it was I, who ruined things

I let you put the blame all on me,
on my stupidity and that I was just the same
as every other girl out there
"Did you think it was cool"
the words rolled off your tongue
so smooth
I stand there, shaking in fear,
all I could think is,

would you leave me?
seeing this side of me
would you go, as far away as you could?

I could possibly imagine
the different kind of persons
they would meet,
if they were to see me
for the first time,
but I don't know if I would ever
understand the way you look at me

I have circled my life around this love
destructed my way out
now I'm bound to this ground

this once barren land has started to flower
and I admit that I miss the misery this land had gotten
I don't want to live with this growth and strength this land has sprouted
I don't want to share this land that is mine

but I have to
and now the land has risen
I am now dead

She is the most beautiful
when she walks away
something about the stride
penetrated a nerve or unnerve
that bit that you now know as
loss

doused with petrol and fire,
drowsiness and the lack of sobriety
bring me all that I desire
trepidation overcomes me.
they say there are two kinds of people in the world
one who comes out stronger,
another who dies in the crucible
maybe there’s the third
those who are used to the dirt
tearing the world into shreds
because that’s all she could understand

I am the girl stuck in the castle of mistakes and regrets
locked behind the bars of ‘what if’
chained to the walls of cynicism

being fed pain and tortured
by backstabs and betrayals
all I wanted was to leave this place
to be free
to be happy

leave the past behind
and take steps to a brighter future
smell the fresh air that embodies peace

but there’s no escape
there’s no escape

1, 2, 3 ....... 29, 30, 31, 32
now take me to someplace nice

I'm supposed to be floating
I'm supposed to be out of control
I'm supposed to be lost in my own mind

so I lay here on my side
waiting for the time to go by
to tick and set in
for paradise to find me
for me to find paradise

there's nothing here I want
give me pain free
give me something to see
give me more pills to eat

and you count another handful
into the system you have given up on
the mere shell of existence to the world
for the physical self couldn't catch up with the head
leaving me incomplete

tracks on the airport road (by planes)
to cleaners it would be stains that cannot be rid of
to people it would be a sight of imperfection and age
but to me
it signifies a routine
of a plane that was sent off
and back again
a routine of safety
a routine that people take for granted

from unsteady hands and breaking heart,
We have emerged as survivors above the waters
Gasping for air in exhaustion, but it was worth it -
The air we breathe suddenly felt like a second chance in life
And nothing could beat the air out of me;
I would not have it!
Sometimes my chest would tighten as if to remind me of such a painful ordeal
But I know that this time it was not death I was in the face of --
Exhilaration, of wanting the world to hear
The echoes of love, vibrating from the depths of sea,
And you, my dearest, shall know that
I love you, till the ends of the world

The world is muted
And I finally feel at peace
With myself

What a lovely place to be!

just like fine sand in the cold wind,
you slip away
through the gaps between my fingers.
the footprint I leave behind
is washed away when the waves kiss the shoreline
just as how I wasn't your baby anymore
and you now look at another
to find solace and company
I desperately walk back and forth,
hoping to leave my mark
but the waves viciously hit the shores
to constantly remind me
that you don't love me anymore.
the sun that once brought warmth to my skin
now only felt like burn and there is nowhere to hide
from the fierce wind slapping me
this beach that once felt therapeutic
now only reminded me how alone and lonely I was
and I felt like falling apart
hoping that I could bleed myself dry onto the rocks that were sharp enough to pierce through a thin layer of skin,
throw myself into the ocean
to watch me sink,
only to float back up again
to distant lands.