Run from the hurt
Run from the love
Because which is which
You do not know.

Flinch from the fist
Or an open helping hand
After all,
Caution is better than carelessness.

**** them with kindness
Even if it kills you instead
Carry the burden of your own existence,
Life’s painful either way.

My dark passenger, along for the ride,
By its bidding I must abide.
Pulling the strings, he’s my puppeteer,
Pushing away all who come near.
“All who care must go away,
It’s important if you want me to stay.”
It has clung and other times strung me along,
Squeezed me until I’m fully wrung,
Only thing it won’t do is have me hung.
“Do remember, my weakened vessel,
No matter how hard you wrestle,
I’m inside your head.
I’m along for the ride.
The lows,
The highs,
And we’re in this together,
So if one of us die-“
It knows I know
If it goes,
So do I.

An invisible parasite I cannot see,
Is constantly eating away at me.
Consuming me with patient consistency.
“I will not give up” I decree
But it just keeps taking silently

I wish only for it to break free
To decide it’s done with this gluttony
With this feast on my personality,
On my memories of being happy.
“It’s okay, I am still me” I say to myself desperately
But it pumps poison straight to my psyche,
With thoughts like they will not miss your pathetic tranquility
And just end this suffering eternally

As I think I am nearly ready
To face the music and run from reality
I pause on the memory
Of my quiet determined resiliency
Oh, I thought I was above this crushing parasite of melancholy
As it plagued me with its apathy.

I laugh at this thought manically,
That I could ever surpass this parasite as it destroyed me slowly,
‘Til I’m curled on the floor, breathing heavy,
Until I feel the only way to stop this peacefully
Is to surrender to the ending of this slow and painful tragedy.

I find such comfort in the phrase ‘you only live once’
Because I can’t imagine doing this all again.
I never want to witness the leaving of light from someone’s eyes,
Never want to be tossed in the endless tide of monotony,
Never want to collapse from my hurricane brain,
Never want to curl up and wish to be taken to a dark silent eternity.

I pray there is no afterlife,
No endless time existing.
I only want it all to end,
To have a complete lack of anything.
I don’t want to meet the grim reaper,
Or greet God at His pearly gates.
I simply wish for nothing,
To live once, truly,
So I need not feel this way
Forevermore.

The ghosts remain
Long after the pain.
Haunting this sagging haunting house,
Whispering to me,
We’re lonely lonely lonely.
Need more friends in this rotting haunted human home.
The house rots around me,
A house I cannot escape-
On house arrest for crimes I do not remember committing.
You can paint it how you want, they hiss
But we will remain.
They hide just free from view-
They come out in the dark when only I am home.
The ghosts do love to reminisce,
they’re a cruel nostalgic bunch.
Remember why we have come, they say
Or bring more ghosts so our voices may get through.
“I will bring you more” I sigh-
They laugh at my submission.
Soon this house will collapse,
More ghosts than foundation.
But until then or until they cease their wails,
I will bring more ghosts by the day,
Until the supports completely fail.

I carve another tally into the walls of this prison
As my heart sits beating against the bars of my rib cage
I slice at the cell that is my skin
Craving the strength to dig an escape
Through the tunnels of my veins.
Rivers flow over the hills of my eyes and thighs,
Some saltwater, some blood.
I wish I could terraform,
Or just blast it all,
So my prison is gone, the ruins left for next of kin.