We’re not here for a good time or peace.
I knew that even before this life.
I didn’t come out of the womb.
A suicidal infant.
Life is a game you can’t win, only learn from.
That’s my experience…
And oh yes I did learn.
But I wish I could find a little peace as well.

Three times I called you already.
On the same day you left.
Such a mess fell over me right away.
Realising I really cannot live without you.
Or with you for too long.

Leaves me feeling depressed.
Another bubble bursts that none of us can get back.
I see another big car parked right in front of my window.
I miss the silly nights of nonsense just sitting together.
Nothing seems to bother us ever even when it’s still rough and heavy.

We make light of everything.
Even when we’re depressed or stressed.
But then it gets overwhelming.
No good sleeping, too much energy ******.
No time for just being alone again.

So we seperate, survival mode.
Taking a break from the better place in life.
I’m at an apartment/hotel with a noisy heating system.
Nothing’s alright in here but we’ve got our seperate space.

Constantly moving to the lesser evil place.
We both need space to breathe.
For me I always need some extra space, it always goes too far......
Everywhere.
Now it’s depressing and exhausting.
And it will not ever change, Asperger’s, ocd, hypersensitivity, complexity.

And you with your own problems.
You manage them so well but there are many.
A stroke and no stable living.
But you’re always strong and never giving in to anything!
Wish I could be more like you......
But it get’s too much being just a human being.....

You’ll get just enough in life to not completely break.
Down to the point where you can’t stand at all.
Pretty close though, pretty close.
Nothing works, nothing feel right, nothing’s fine.
That’s life.

I take pictures of nature.
Listen to Eminem on walks.
Alone together with somebody.
So escaping once again in the only place on earth that feels comfy.
It’s over, there’s no point in giving, trying, living.
I’m even going for easy poetry to express myself today.
I’m tired and there’s not much left to go on for.
But an old hotel waiting for me at the end of this month.
And my family to visit at my old hometown.
Hoping that I’ll make it till I’ll go there.
Even though it takes everything out of me.
And I’m not sure what home is for me personally.
I can’t be in this world.

Always hard for me to be with my family and it’s hard to live for them too.
But they can still somehow.
And I can when I try hard sometimes as well.
Would be nice if it was worth it.
If my energy would last a little longer.
I’m not the only one who has this problem.
Let’s hold hands then.
Love me and I come from wherever.
Nothing to lose.
Nothing left that will give me life again but still things to give.
And if it’s worth it, why not?

Hold me through the sleepless nights.
Don't let me die alone.
I know it's probably too much to ask.
So was my life.
Too much to ask from a single person, from a single life.
I'm not alone in this kind of suffering.
And it's been never my intension to make it any worse.
Even though my suffering affects you and you go through yours and mine with me.
I can thank you forever and promise to do anything to make it better.
Not in this lifetime I'm sure.
Know that I loved you more and more each moment that we got to make this life have meaning.
Or just escaped the suffering or shared it.
And you let me escape from not sleeping, not living.
You made me feel alive.
Like only music can do too.
This was my life.
Don't let me die alone.
But it's probably too much to ask.
Music is the only friend I have left.
When something is just simply too much to ask from a single person.
Only music is strong enough to carry me.
Stronger than me but still always fighting with me.
I lost that energy to keep on fighting now especially when the days and nights are lonely.
But some things are just too much to ask from a single person, a single life.
Let me die, let me allow myself to die.
Even when it has to be alone.
Alone with my music.
And let me not be alone when I made it to the place that I'd call home.
Let me rest before the battle.
Let me regain my strength.
And then **** off all that is just too much to ask from a single person, from a single life.

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.

I’m not afraid of death.
Nothing ever stays the same.
And when I get the slightest form of a feeling of being at home somewhere I lose it again.

I did receive my soulfamily but never a lover.
I couldn’t have one either cause I’m never at home anywhere.
Always moving away, never at ease, being too wilde and yet too tired.

So, no I’m not afraid of death and I’ve seen my path making sense.
It wasn’t in vain even though it’s always been so rough, nearly impossible.
But there’s a space for everything at every time.

What I am afraid of is dying, the process, doing it alone especially.
Not knowing where the journey ends.
But when the journey here will end I’m sure I’d be content.

But how it will is what scares me.
Letting go of my body and everything I know.
Although I was never at home somehow I can’t let it go on my own.
And I’m not sure when I can.

I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.... you.

Are you ok?
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
About this.
About us.
It's not right.
We stopped dreaming.

But I never want to hurt you.
If it doesn't fit with who I am in this lifetime I have to be honest.
I hate to be this mess, to chose the fight instead of the comfort.
The love that we share is always gonna be there, I still care.
It's all just so unfair, painful, brutal battles.

Help, I'm hurting you.
Painful truth, horrible battles to fight again.
Life is never easy.
Never peaceful.
Intense and heavy.
From start to end.
And now something ends and something else is beginning again.
But I hate to hurt you and leave you.

Help, I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.

YOU.

To live in this world.
The bravest thing you’ll ever do.
This world is divided, hard, unfair as can be and killing.
Cold and uncomfortable!
Let’s hope that the world beyond this one is better.
Nothing, not being a thing turning into something.
Horror vacui!
And everything will change once more.
Nothing will stay nothing.
Beyond a brain.
Spiritual realm.

After this week I am somebody else again.
The end of another week of nights of torture, days of agony.....
I'm moving into my final shell from where I'm able to see.
Through a red window I follow the path.

My energy is low cause I wasn't allowed any sleep.
I'm falling so deep into a sleep that I'm woken up out of straight away.
Electrical shocks before that day where I can enter my final shell.
And then it's going to be another massive aching.
A battle of breaking that I have to be taking.

You know I'm bursting everyday and night but all my spirit guides let me be here and fight.
I do receive gifts that I should be happy for, I am but it's always just enough.
Just enough to give it all.
And maybe at some point it's just been ENOUGH!
But I don't even know if the place I'm longing for is that peaceful at all.
It might just be another and much greater type of war.
A cosmic war of energy to end this for once and for all.

But I will be joining the team and I've learned from everything I've felt so deeply and all the sorrow I've seen.
I just need to find the will to take this pill after I've entered my final shell around here.
I should not have any fear of letting go cause it's been enough.
Enough intense suffering, torturing, pain and sorrow.

It's time for love, peace and maybe it will take a huge fight.
I'll see when I arrive.
As long as I'm ready it will not be as scary.
But it is still incredibly scary to let go of just everything you've known since you've been thrown into this world.
This horrific state and place to be in for what seems like 1000 years of imprisonment and torment.

I'm joining this team of freedom warriors and we'll declare that it's our time.
No longer should we be having to go through things that are keeping us down low.
Taking our energy and spirit for life away and burry us in a heavy dark substance where we just need to follow the rules.

The rules are going to be ignored, we're gonna listen to what's good for US from now and rise above all of this horror.
Fly with me to the place where love is real and you can feel it without being down there in thick mud on the floor crying.
Let us scream, no more, NO MORE, NOOO MOOORREEE!!!!

I died, I saw my face change.
I cried, I saw my eyes change.
I stared while talking to you in the mirror.
I told you this can’t go on.
It’s not working.
Though I want to love so bad.
And so you told me you’re still just living your life.
And receiving my love.
I died in your arms and I don’t recognize myself.
I cried in your arms and rubbed my eyes.
So hard that they’re in a different position forever.
I stared till I saw exactly in your face how much you care.
I told you this can’t go on forever.
You showed me the long lifeline on my hand.
First thick and only getting thinner and all wonky.
That’s some cruel fate.
And I did want to try living but I keep on dying.
I told you I wanted to try for you.
Receiving your love.
I’m too tired, stiff and dead and I keep on crying.
It’s not working.
It’s not living even though I’m breathing.
Trying to relax, dying.
Though I want to love so bad.
And I have to live so long.
Or break the unbreakable fate somehow.....
But not yet cause right now I’m here dying and crying in your arms.

Life and death.
Words that we use.
A human life.
And dead body.
A plant, an animal, a creature.
Nature.
Human experience.
Experiencing dying, near death, loss, watching death/dying.
Saving life, killing.
It’s not so precious when you’re suffering constantly, don’t save me!
When I’m trying to survive I need the option to die.
But there’s no “right way to die”.
When it’s your time then you’ll leave.
Maybe that’s the only “right way”.
And maybe I won’t leave the way I would like.
I can only see it as an option which it is.
But I don’t think you should just act in crisis.
That’s not the time.
But it happens, just like other deaths that feel useless.
But it’s a journey that ends.

You dug your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom of my fingers.
I asked you to do it once again after you finished.
That was too intense.

But now I'm tired and you are lost again somewhere in your own head.
At a place you share with people that are not friends.
What will happen when I move away from your work place?
You live in a shelter, can you even stay with me when I move in 3 weeks?

You can't escape.
Just like me, I have to keep on moving, continue this torture.
Do you want to escape with me?
It seems, not really.
You don't invite me but when I invite you, you sometimes like it.
You still talk about how it was your very first concert when I asked you out.

But all you do is hurt me.
And sometimes it excites me so intensely, you feel to me like nobody ever felt before.
You like my body and I'm like nobody you know.
But you don't show me that you care so much, still you ask me to sit beside you.

And I reach for your hand....
For you to dig your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom my fingers.
I ask you to do it once again after you finish.
That is so intense.

My room has no windows anymore.
It stresses me out to see the cars parked in front of them.
So now there are no windows, no sunlight.
It stresses me out having no windows.
So I go out for walks.
Can't keep walking, must rest cause I feel bad though the walks are nice.

Resting at my room again that has no windows.
Drinking hot tea way too fast.
Eating too much, unable to dance.
Body aching and feeling heavy, my head as well, my heart as well.
Waiting for better days.
Trying to find ways to walk towards and to walk through better days.
Telling myself it's ok.
It's ok to have no windows.

I've not been getting along with my body.
It felt used up so I let it be used to find a way out.
But I didn't find a way out.
Instead I dreamed I got pregnant with a boy.
But it was wrong because of the way it happened.
So my body started to bleed and reclaim its strength, be one with me.
Be one with nature and the wind like I've always been.

Waiting with these walls around me.
Maybe it will work out, maybe not.
In this room together with my body.
We're in this together.
Again for a while.
Even though it aches.
Waiting till these walls again might break.

The windows will fly open.
And I will fly away.
Hopefully I'll see somebody that I love and he won't break my heart.
He's a bit of a rough man, rough on the edges, rough at some parts.
But we got such a connection.
I'm also far from alright, never walk towards the light but straight into the dark.

I told him: I can see in the dark.
But sometimes I wished I was blind.
And he dreamed about it.
He dreamed about me having these black eye contact lenses.
They gave me a super power to deal with the pain and suffering.
I just deal with it already but it would be nice.
Having a super power.
It would help.

Now I got this windowless room.
And this body that actually doesn't want me to keep writing.
My head is spinning.
Muscles tightening.
So I keep waiting and surviving to see the next good thing come around.
And to see my rough man.
Through the darkness, the aching, the ringing in my ears.
Soon we can both run towards the sea maybe.
Sea sight, Syonight.

I'm tired in my eyes.
I'm tired in my head.
I'm tired in my arms.
I'm tired in my legs.

Not yet able to lie down.
Not comfy when I do.
Waking up constantly.
No reason to be alive.

I'm tired, heavy.
I close my eyes.
Sit there.
Feel better.

For a while I'm ok.
I still love you.
I perform a song as I walk on the street.
I'm in this song with the nature.

Everything around me joins in.
For a moment.
Please join me too.
I'm so lonely.

I walk to the half dead place.
I'm walking through the half dead place.
Demp, full of flies and too small bridges over ditches.
No handrails at some points.

I don't feel steady.
I make it out barely.
I want to get out of everywhere in this world.
Nothing makes me feel good.
Only escaping.
Let me escape for good.

Please, Odin.
There's no love and no life in my place.
In my body.
Wandering, dragging.

There's no life in my eyes.
There's no life in my head.
There's no life in my arms.
There's no life in my legs.

There's no love in my place.
There's no love in my arms.
There's no love on my skin.
There's no love getting in.

I'm tired from crying.
I can't stop.
Head in hands.
Trying to stand or feeling the ground.

I don't feel steady.
I make it out barely.
I want to get out of everywhere in this world.
Nothing makes me feel good.
Only escaping.
Let me escape for good.

Watching a dark movie slowly.
In parts.
I don't need a ''feel good'' one ever.
I don't.

I try to feel good.
With you.
Dancing.
Singing, screaming, walking.....

Holding you tight.
As tight as my body feels on me.
Head in hands.
Trying to stand or feeling the ground.

When everyday is such a struggle and you aren’t even happy but you dream….
Dream about living when you’re asleep. With good people around you.
And you don’t have to tell yourself anything to calm down.
Because everything is just happening without you having to suffer so much.
It just happens, you’re just there for the experience.
That’s what waking life should be too.

But sometimes the OCD will enter the dream.
And you still fight like while you’re awake.
Or you stress out because you have to go to class.
Even though you don’t go to school anymore.
Not at your waking state.
But these moments come and go.
And as long as the OCD doesn’t wake you up with thoughts it should be ok.

It’s better than the suffering while awake.
Cause it doesn’t work for you and you feel so bad about it.
It gets too much and you get stuck.
You don’t get stuck in dreams.
You float from one moment to the next.
But will you remember people and experiences if you would only ever dream?
Dreams are not like leaving the body completely, you just have a part of your brain shut down for a moment.

You can remember dreams.
Some details.
A lot of the time you remember the feeling.
A very true type of feeling that you can’t quite feel while awake.
So when everyday is a struggle you can dream free and be happy.

As I’m sitting here stuck again.
Every try is thrown back down by another noise.
A feeling stays.
Discomfort.
Too much.
Why do I try?
It’s takes so long to get anywhere.
It takes so much.
And then later hopefully there’s peace.
An evening with music and beer.
But before there’s a war.
And I never really win, I just get through it.

Nothing’s alright.
Everything upside down.
Nothing to hold on to.
Everything that used to be important is not anymore.
All pieces flying around me.
Which one to grab here, I don’t know.
So I just walk on.....
You just walk on.....
Falling together but in different directions.
Please bring us back together.

But nothing’s alright and I try to just survive.
You try to just survive.
But my body’s sick and tired and your house is on fire.
Everything is gone.
Everything that was just enough to still be ok.
Now we are blindly searching.
Let us find each other at the end if we can’t stick together.
I’m lonely and tired.
You are tired and in need of space to wind down.
And I’m down.

There’s nothing left to hold on to.
It will always go some way.
But it’s never been easy for you.
Never been easy or ok for me.
All the pieces flying.
All that was still standing completely falls.
The waves are so high now.
Still not fully drowning, still rowing.
Not knowing where to.
Somewhere.
Still somewhere hopefully together at some point, some ship.
I’ll find you.
You’ll find me.

I am walking and searching in a demp place.
Flies in my face.
Missing something, somebody but I've got to be with me.
I will never be yours, I know.
I've never had a life that allowed me to stay and be somebody's girl or wife.
Now I'm lost in a demp place with flies.
Again on my my own.
I can't stick around for too long with anyone but the evenings are so silent.
The pain of knowing that tomorrow I'll be alone.
On important dates like 24-07-21.
24/7, it used to be a date set to go but I'm not ready yet.
Though I don't know where to go.
How to love if nobody's ever really going to be able to call me theirs.
I carry that love around and I've got to be with me.
Connected to nature.
Free but lonely and always walking.
With flies around.
Going into the demp dark place with the high trees, too much humidity.
The deeper I go in, the more I lose my breath.
I start coughing.
Time to go back.
This place is not right.
But where do I go?
Now on my own again.

Mixed feelings, always mixed heavy feelings.
There’s no straight line, just tight knots.
Where’s the end?
Where’s does this start?

I can’t let go, I can’t keep going.
Can’t just burn these ropes, cannot lose it all.
Wrapped up in discomfort.

So tightly but I can still dance when I’m with you.
But I need to use the tight knots to remind myself: I’m never free until I leave.

But when I leave there’s no life left to hold on to.
That’s no way to be.
That’s just a dead body hanging by a thread.

I needed an angel to talk to.
In the night so I called you.  
As always hell was way too loud for me and my broken body.
Especially last night when I needed an angel to calm me.
I wish I could say: I fought myself through it again like the nights before.
But my body got extra sore.
My mind was extra weak.
Soaking tears were on each cheek.
You calmed the howling dog in hell.
But wore it down with that story you did tell.
Anyhow, you made it stop wailing.
We closed our eyes peace inhaling.
I talked a little to your true angel wife in the sky.
The final thing that got my eyes to dry.
So I turned over.
The next thing I can’t remember......

I don’t know when, I don’t know if I can.  
Not now, but somehow I’ll find you.
Looking around, people, always on the go or struggling.
Or both I’m just watching and I don’t know when and where I’ll go.

Forget about time.
Make time forget about you.
You don’t exist in time.
You died too many times.
You’re not living with time.
All the times you cried are not here where time has passed.
And you exist somewhere where there’s no time left.
Time is just dead.
But you exist.
Always.

💀⏲️🔨✨

Why should I have to be positive to make it feel ok?
Let me just be me, it never feels right anyway.
I'm fighting on my own, trying to make the best of it.
But what if the world and I just do not fit?

I'm tired and everything aches when I'm alone.
Still going for walks and singing but I'm getting numb and never in the right zone.
When I'm with you I'm still trying even though it gets so freaking hard.
So love me hard even though I know it's hard and with me there's no moving forward.

I wish I could make a final decision.
End my mission.
I can't yet even though I want to so bad.
How can I ever be ready to go ahead?
Make it end forever.

And start something I don't remember or haven't seen yet ever.
I need to when I can.
Please be with me until then.
Then I'll always be with you.
No matter where I'll go to.

Don't tell me that I can change anything by changing my attitude.
My attitude is broken by this place and I can't break it again to somehow make it feel good.
Let me just be me.
You can't cure me with your stardust theory.

Like you can be in control.
By changing your own role.
And being ok within.
I can't shut off the world I'm in.

Actually it comes in hard as hell with Autism, OCD, being exhausted and depressed.
You can't shut it off even without these issues and if you could I'd be impressed.
So please let me be me and find my way.
And when I'm broken down again please try to love me anyway.

I'll always be a part of you and you're a part of me.
But nobody can cure me with any type of startdust theory.
A medication doesn't do it either, something needs to get out instead of being put in.
Let me do it my own way, that's actually how I find my strength within!

Maybe I should take a pause and reflect.
But I keep running around in circles.
What does actually work?
And who is actually caring enough to not leave me wondering?
What am I to you?
The only valid reason I can think of why you don't know what I am to you is me wanting to die.
All the other stuff is *******, cut the crap and don't ever check out again.
Or else I'm out forever.

I'm already giving up, taking risks like travelling towards my triggers.
Knowing it will cause more damage but I have to keep on moving.
I just can't keep sitting here just waiting on you.

While nothing, like actually nothing is actually working.
Not even my body even though it looks like it.
Same with my pretty sister, here and there a pretty picture.
Look inside and relax, take a break, always wait.
Always fight, no escape, no one there to hold the weight.

Always carrying it around.
Meanwhile trying to get ready just to sing and fly again.
I don't want to fight alone no more, it's hurting and I can't hold on no more.
I keep and kept on saying it.
This world doesn't believe it is a possibility to feel this way about it.
Still I keep seeing all these double numbers but then I try and nothing happens.
Trying to be grateful for the little things.

I'm never where I want to be, never receiving the right energy from people that I need.
Look at me, look inside, and hold me tight, acknowledge it, let me know you understand.
Or don't and tell me, I need to know so I can just follow my own path instead and forget you.
But actually I can't.
Not really, just for a moment.
Cause in a way I think we're good, and I get it.
It's destiny.

When does it end?
It always keeps going on, always gives me just enough to keep on going.
It's not living, it's slavery.
Destiny on earth is more like slavery to me cause I'm sick, actually sick and so so tired!

So let me go find what I need or let me leave.
See and find a way out.
Like in that dream.
Last night I walked through a dark lane again with a flash light.
Saw a little boy, tried to be nice.
We both tried to find a way out and he seemed to not know what to think of me.
Don't worry, nobody knows, not even me but I won't harm you so just follow me and let's just try to find our way.

I don't mind the dark but I mind the pain, I want to get out.
Not feel heavy or sad and have nothing actually working, reflecting.
Reflecting my own light in this darkness every time.
Cause there's no other light than the light from where I actually come from.
Sometimes I feel them, my soul family actually come to me for a group hug.
Let's take a pause and just sit here.
As always, helpless.

As I am standing by the river there’s a flower. Floating.
Such a dark flower pretty.
One of its kind.
Drops lay down upon its surface.
It is drowning but afloat.
It is dying.

Eventually.
But I’m following it’s journey for today.
For tonight.
As I think about our lives that we have lived. I’m still here but you have crossed.
Over to another river.

But I still see you and feel you, energy coming.
Because those rivers they can cross.
And I’m floating.
Crossing too.
But I’m still here.
Watching.
The river, the flower and feeling.
Pain and agony and love.

And maybe one day there’s a flower growing.
Again.
I will lay my body down and cry.
A new life.
The next kind.
The river reflects the sun.
Alive as a river is a flower so new.
So old and broken.

So sad and so alive, so warm and so wise.
Because of watching and growing.
Drowning and dying.
Floating and crossing.
Forever.
You, me and everything.
Like a running river.
Or sleeping like a flower.
Floating.

💜🪷🥀💧

Not sleeping or constantly waking.
No comfort, no mercy.
Having to go on but it hurts to live.
I want to sleep.
Without being afraid that the mattress will sink.
The sounds will keep waking me when I'm just in peace.
So up doing laundary cause I'm already losing the days.
Unable to go to the pharmacy in time.
Cause trying to sleep in when I can....
Needing time.
Needing sleep.
Needing peace.
Needing escape.
Never any mercy.
Nothing's ever working.
And I'm trying but I'm so over it.
So depressed.
Broken body and mind.
OCD, intrusive thoughts, sensitivity, overwhelmed constantly.

Let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery.
And probably make things worse a lot.
With all that struggling that my head brings from the relationship we've got.
My brain and your brain.
Build to let our heart frequency go down too far, down through the drain.

Not that it can completely do that or ever fully will.
It just makes us both feeling exhausted, pretty bad and really ill.
But we're always taking steps, step by step, learning.
Keeping balance, trying and giving just about everything.

We're like yin and yang.
But there's a shotgun on our heads: bang bang!
Take it, suffer, fight intensely, fall down, there's nothing that you can do.
So let me show you where I used to go to.
The fight's insane.
I want to make it ok and release you from your brain.

You know you are strong, I am too.
I needed shelter back then so that's where I'm taking you to.
About 8 years ago.
Now you know.

Please heal, we both still have a journey left ahead.
But also done so much work before that it left us feeling (brain)dead.
My body can't turn this around.
But it's time for you to find back that strength and use it again to burn that pain down to the ground.
When the sun will rise, you must do too some day like a phoenix from a flame.

Like I had to in many ways but you should stay there cause you earned it in this horror story game.
Nobody had to suffer like you which makes you that more special.
Like out of all the shining sun rays you're the brightest of them all!
Little sister, let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery but I can take you here finally.

Thought I could be save in his arms.
But that was only a dream.
I want to die.
He says he can’t give himself.

Now it’s taking too much energy, thinking about him.
All I had, all hope lost.
Always lost.
And so incredibly lonely.

Thought I could be save in peace.
Peace has never been here in this world, it’s always a challenge.
My body’s tired but I’m never ready to leave.
I want to feel him over it once more.

Always.
Once more.
Oh save me.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.

It hurts between my eyes.
He can’t receive me with all my pain and intensity.
Can I still try?
Die, try, cry, all the time.

Only small moments.
I long for those moments with him.
His body that's much warmer and so much older than mine.
His face, his head and my tight sensitive body holding it in its hands.

I only have myself, very free.
Free but cold.
Even Odin feels how cold I am when he lies on top of me.
We’re both not able to warm each other as long as I’m with the living.

It’s the hardest thing to do, leaving your body voluntarily.
But I need to.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.
I need to let go.

Always.
Over and over I realise.
I need to not be here.
Here where it’s lonely.

Save me from this curse called “hope”.

I'm not having any fun.
Sleeping till 2 pm.
Going to bed at midnight.
My body's not ready for the day.
Never anymore.
Not ready to be loving, not ready to be ready.
Self distruction because of feelings, heavy, clumsy.
Always so low or too high at tiny little moments in the day, fighting.
Trying to find space inbetween.
For peace.
For love.
For care.
For you.
For me.

Sick of learning and teaching.
I think I got it all.
This life has been so long already.
Let me be ready.
Ready for the move.
Ready for this love that I've been craving possibly all my life long.
It is not here, it can't be done here.
Doesn't fit with all my so lows and too high highs to come down from right.
Trying to find peace in everything.
Through walking.
Through dancing.
Through listening.
Through singing.
Through breathing.

Fresh air.
Fresh love.
Fresh life.
Fresh form.
Fresh space.

Being a fresh new being.
Being in a fresh new world.
Being with a fresh new loving.
Being a fresh new creation.
Developed into something.
Fresh and new.

My name is Skadi.
I was made to destroy.  
I ***** up everything.
Till there’s nothing left to fight for.

Tears on the icy rocks.
Going home in the snow.
I caused an avalanche.
Now it covered up my soul.
And it hurt you too.

I was made to create this terror.
Being tortured as long as I exist.
But I love you, but it doesn’t matter.
My name is Skadi, made to destroy.

I want to destroy the world that hurts me.
Not you.
But I do it in the meantime.
Because I ache.
I explode like an erupting mountain and a hurricane in the night.

I burst through the floor and flood it with the tears I cry all over this world.
And you drown in it.
So I cry even more.
I destroy, I ***** up everything.
Till there’s nothing left to fight in and to fight for.
Nothing, nobody, no love anywhere.

My name is Skadi, destroy me.
Like I’ve been destroyed over and over.
It needs to be over.
Tears on the icy rocks.

I see your face under the ice.
The body that once held me.
My name is Skadi.
I covered everything in ice.
And I’m stuck.

On good days I'd say: You win some you lose some.
But when will I be done learning?
When can I ever be ready for dying alone?
It saddens me so deeply.
There's nothing left.

A loveless death.
And one person who deserves it the least to see me leave.
When I was never there anyway.
And she suffers in same and different ways.
I need to leave but I dread it.
Tried it before, I really tried to, I pushed through.
Came right back every time.

Now it hurts to know that there's no hope or love left for me here.
No peace, no savety, no joy, no life.
Nothing but death waiting.
A lonely horrific way.
Nobody to help, nobody to hold on to while drifting far away.
Maybe if I try to picture it in my head: Me lying there with you.
Then it will all be ok.

I can't let it break me over and over.
Trying to die, life, trying to make it till the next day.
But death cannot be this painful cause I want to move away far.
Peacefully and happy to go.

Not in such sadness.
Dying as merciless as living, that's no way to go.
And on good days I say: You win some, you lose some.
When will I be ready to lose this life?

Every sound hurts
Everything reminds me of you
Sometimes I convince myself I’m over you now.
But you always come back.

I still got my list of things to pack for when I see you.
But I got enough freedom and friends and things that I can do Instead.
It all just doesn’t feel right, I’m getting tired and despise it.
I’m so over starting over.

This world has gone madder and madder and it makes me want to distance myself.
But when I do and I’m with you I feel like I can do everything and anything I want to!
Are you coming back?
Or am I doing this alone once more?

It’s ok for a little moment.
But don’t stay away from me when I have to live.
I need you!
Although I’m free in the moment and I convinced myself I’m over you.

I’m so over starting over.
I’m so over being all alone all over.
Even though there’s enough people and things to do.
They’re never really fitting even though I feel so free.

Just being alone and free to do anything.
Are you coming with me?
Sometime soon?
Please do.

You’re not real, are you?
Yet my lips I kept soft, just for you.
The pain of life’s too great.
And we cannot be even if you were for real.
But when you appear into my dreams they are so intensely pure, so good.
You trigger all the good parts deep inside me.

Yet I cannot sing freely when you’re there in person.
It’s too much.
I choke.
In all the feelings and all of those tunes.

You play on your piano.
I forget the world, I try everything to block out everything.
Everything but your tunes.
And your voice.

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.

It's so hard and heavy for me to be.
And I wish I could at least spent the night not alone.
But it can't be because the days are too hard.
The nights too restless.

I'm too great of a mess if I even try to get ready.
For anything with anybody.
But my love is deep.
Like the blackness that I wear all over my body.
My black bones and dead eyes.

Arms spread open wide.
Should I just move my wings and go?
Everybody should be annoyed with me by now.
Yet my friends and family say they understand.
I try to help them through their hell as well where I can.

Nothing's certain or can be planned anymore.
Nobody knows what's the right thing to do.
So everybody tries their best.
But it hurts and now I'm too worn out and dark.

I live in the shadow of my soul.
When I spent the days alone.
Only that music sometimes lifts me up and gets me to spread my arms.
In the wind outside, I want to go!

But it's never the right moment.
There's always too much I'm leaving behind in this chaos.
But I am a mess, a heavy mess, dark, deep, black.
What I need is not here.

But those people that I need are.
Sometimes they need me too, they want me to be by their side.
And I want nothing more.
But how I wish I could just take them by the arm and hand with me to where there's peace.

Where we can all be save and free.
Without terror, horror, torture.
But you've got to be ready to leave everything you've ever known.
None of us have learned or seen beyond this place of the universe throughout our entire life on earth.

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.
But how I wish I could just leave and take some people to a better place.
Or leave by myself that send a little signal.
Fight for peace so that this pain will never happen again!

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.....

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.

I'm so tired.
Tired of this world.
Staying stuck in this position.

And I know you've tried everything.
Many times had everything and everybody against you.
Still standing strong, working it out on your own.

I faced my battles with piercing eyes as well.
Although they turned dull and darker, life energy taken away.
My soul is strong still as you can see.

I'll dance for you and my fingertips will reach out.
Your naked body and mine moving.
While looking into each other's tired eyes.

Coming out of the dark dust, the grey fog, the deep blue.....
To see you but you don’t want me actually.
You just miss something and somebody and sometimes I can fill that void.
You fill mine too.
And I thought I loved you but you showed me that I can’t.
So I try not to but it’s not working.
So here I come again out of the dark dust, the grey fog, the deep blue.
I wish you could see me.
Really see me through all the dust, grey fog and blue.
Maybe you would actually find me.
And find what you miss.
But you can’t.
Maybe you try but it’s not working.
So here I go again.
Back into the dark dusk, the grey fog, the deep blue.

Headaches and glassy eyes.
Restless nights.
Too many sleep meds.
Pulled out of my dreams.
Away from life.

Dead eyes.
Colourless and white.
See through.
Can you see?
Can you hear?

My voice on the street, in pain, in need.
Everybody feels pressure.
But not the same.
Stiff but moving.
Anyway.

I close my eyes.
The pain never leaves.
I feel the spirits hugging me.
I die, I need to always die.
Let it slide, nothing is important.

Life is just a dream.
Even when it hurts.
Even when you have glassy eyes.
Restless nights.
Colourless and white.

Remind me to let it flow.
Let go and die, nothing's important.
But sometimes when I can still...
I want to hold you.
Can we do that once more?

Headaches.
Heartbreaks.
Sitting in the aches.
Pulled out of my dreams.
Away from life.

Dead eyes.
Colourless and white.
See through.
Can you see?
Can you hear?

When I have the energy.
I build the good tension up slowly.
And you feel it.
Deep inside.
For a moment.

You found yourself somebody else.
My world turned cold.
My body's restless and in pain.
I should think about what matters, who matters.
But nothing will ever feel ok.
We can't create our own little world anymore.
Everybody leaves, everybody gets away.
I was so scared to hurt that I forgot that I'd be the one left in the end.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

You found yourself somebody.
I told you I wanted you to.
But why did it have to be before I was ready to leave?
This world is cruel, cold and dark.
Especially when you're always fighting lonely.
It won't be pleasant again.
But you can't hurt me anymore either cause I know the truth.
But this is the end of hope.
Hope for anything better.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

I should think about the people that matter.
We've always been fighting alongside each other.
Like a true family.
We just couldn't live together.
I wish we could at least feel free together, maybe once when I'm away.
Away from this world and body.
I'm so proud of you and me, we've done everything.

But I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

It’s so hard.
Or lonely.
Or both.
It’s so uncomfortable or stressful.
Or both.
It’s full of love.
It’s full of darkness.
And both.

Dizzy in the morning or lonely in the night.                    
You tired or me tired.
Or me all by myself.
No peace.
Ever.
It feels wrong or depressing.

Headaches, heartaches.
Heavy feelings.
What to do and how?
Life is hard when you’re sensitive.
Life is hard anyways.
Where’s the beauty in this darkness?
I seemed to have lost it somewhere far away.
I feel completely lost in dark space.
Nobody to hold.
Tears keep on falling.
Like me in this body feeling too heavy to move.

I’m just going to stay down here.
And see what will happen.
See what I can find.
I’ll stop searching.
I’ll just lie here in the dark.
Knowing what I need.
I made it clear but it’s not here ever.
So I’ll lie down and see where I must go.

I’m here still.
Still for you.
Still for me.
Aching but breathing.
Nothing to lose but still being turtored.
It’s possible when you got nowhere to go.
Crying so much and so hard till I became as numb as you were already towards me.
Cause I make you tired eventually, always.
Now it drained me too completely.
So we try to sleep.
But never together,
never at the same time.....
And I hate this life.

It’s so hard.
Or lonely.
Or both.
It’s so uncomfortable or stressful.
Or both.
It’s full of love.
It’s full of darkness.
And both.

I’m sad, I woke up stressed.
As most days wherever I am.

Stuck in transition.
Don't guide me.
I'm not like any of the things you show.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.
All I do is keep on trying.
Just to make it ok enough to last a little longer.
I wish everything would fall away alltogether.
So that would be my que to leave.

I'd run and fly as fast and far away to a place where I feel ok.
Still also keep on fighting from there for this to never happen
to anybody ever again!
But I'm still stuck in transition now.
It hurts and gets extremely exhausting.
I may just break through this soon anyway.

Enough trying to make it right has been done and it will keep on hurting.
Don't guide me, I've asked for it before.
It brought me only to places of horror.
Only some good people that gave me so much magic in this world of pain and suffering.
But I'm not like any of the things you show.
The people I met seem to not be also but close to Blue Ray, I felt at least with one.

May they all find peace and destiny.
They don't need guidance, they are their own guides through life but they need love and peace.
To gather their strength.
It's too late for me now, I just need to leave when I can.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.

Maybe muscle memory goes deeper than a body.
Like lipsyncing to a song that you never heard before.
Dreaming in a language that you don’t speak anymore.

I am angry when I try to sleep.
I am angry when I try to wake.
I am angry when I try to live.
I am angry when I try to die.

Maybe this impossible life takes longer than my age.
Like looking back a couple of months not believing where I was living.
And everything I believed in has again all been changing.

I am finally where I tried to be.
I got finally what I need to take.
I have finally a way out of this place.
I know finally what’s going on but I can’t leave.

So now what again?
Making the best of it and doing what I can?
I deserve to get out and go see what’s beyond.
Although my view is clear.
Clear from here.

But I keep being angry when I try to sleep.
Keep being angry when I try to wake.
Keep being angry when I try to live.
Keep being angry when I try.

Moments, not days.
Trying, not having to.
The best you can, not perfect.
Beautiful, not flawless.
Loving fully, not temporarily for a moment.
Understanding, not demanding.
Somehow making it through.
To see you again being able to function.
Untill not anymore.

I’m a brave person.
I don’t have to reside with this fate of helplessness.
I will run towards the setting sun.
And dance till the night arrives where I lay down.
And I’m not afraid, I want to be hard.

Because I get bored of eating poisoned apples on my own.
And the peanut butter that I scoop them in makes my skin bad.
The cinnamon is nice though.
I throw it around.

Feeling comfortable in the torture.
Break everything that is keeping me on this ground.
I hold my own blood in my hands up to the sky.
One day I will see a burning sunset.

I will not follow it but stand in the centre waiting.
I am ready.
Burn me till I’m free.
I'm brave.

Blackness and white bones.
Weird shapes and water.

Strong scents in the bathroom.
And the pressure of having a lover.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Eating fruit while on the go.
Naked rough bodies.

Holding hands, shaving heads.
Pineapple stuck between teeth.

Being a loner.
Being a lover.

Not trying to cover.
The marks, the shadows.

Dancing to the deep voices.
With your eyes closed.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Travelling alone without ever settling.
Never forgetting or always forgetting.

I had a lover.
I had to be a loner.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

I am travelling inside with you.
Travelling in peace on my own.

Pressure of being inside with you.
Inside a place on my own feeling so alone.

Travelling around blackness and white bones.
Swimming through weird shapes and water.

Strong feelings in a closed off room.
The pressure of being together.

The torturing sleepless nights where all the bad keeps coming to me in my dreams....

Sometimes I get up and eat too much.
Sometimes I start planning my death.
Life is so cruel.
The days aren't even working either.
My bed isn't a save place, doesn't stay comfy when I get it comfy.
And waking from everything!
So many things happening to wake me, through the earplugs, through the sleeps meds.

So I sit here again feeling too heavy holding my head in my hand.
Will I try again, give all I can again, mess up the mattress again probably by tossing and turning?
Nothing's working, I keep trying but why why why!?
I should have the courage to end it all, be a true Viking after all.
But death remains a strange thing and my good friends and family need me to stay a little longer.

But how much more torture is worth it when life won't ever work again?
Relationships don't ever work, ocd and intrusive thoughts are always coming.
Triggers from things I don't understand that my sister said, she triggers me like nobody else even though she's so nice and also suffering.
I dream about her, ocd and horror.
Sometimes the ocd is waking me up again too.

The worst scenario cause it ***** up everything even more.
I'm my dream I'm the one torturing her, breaking her skull.
But actually it's the ocd I want to **** and the pain of not being comy, not sleeping, not being able to just love and have a relationship.
Guess I'll have to **** me for that, but what is death?
I know life is our own journey, for us to develop, but the torture neeeds to end!
FINALLY!

Disappointment was the key word to our relationship for me.
I was willing to commit, to work and fight for it.
You weren't even fully in, sometimes giving me everything just to throw it away the next day.
Disappointment constantly.

It hurt to be with you.
Now it hurts not to see you or even hear from you.
When I don't call it stays silent, you've given me a wrong treatment.

You said so many wrong things.
I let it slide, wanted to believe in better days, better moments.
But many times for whole full days you just checked out.
Days in a row breaking me by not being there while being next to me.
It took all of my energy and strength to exist in that way being sensitive and already suffering and struggling.
So badly, and then you use my weaknesses against me when I tell you about how you're just not there.
Or even kind of only taking what you like of me, not wanting me completely.

I let it **** with my heart.
I let you **** with my heart.
You knew me so well, understood my full story.

And I know yours.
And the pain it brings to me now because you don't really want me, you don't really care.

Only sometimes you really seem to.
Stop that.
I stopped that.
Now it's silent.

You seem to be just fine with it.
Maybe making up some story to friends and family of how I let you down and they'd agree.
I'm crazy, no good.
Never been any good.
Throwing your whiskey down the drain because once again you had changed.
I bought you a new bottle almost right away anyway.
Not because I thought I was wrong but because it shouldn't be about the money, the whiskey.
I didn't care.
But for you....

you cared about the whiskey and everything else.
You share fantasies on websites about a woman who got away.
She's not me.
You know I can see and read it.
You don't mind, you don't care.

Sometimes you really do, always disappointing me cause ''she's always there''.
Always coming back.
I'm trying so hard this time not to, I know I can, I know.
Eg veit, ''elskaði mín''.

I wanted to be dead at 26. I’m 32 now. Still want to be dead at 26. Even though I did learn, grow and experience a lot. I don’t like life and who I’ve become. 😢😞

And in the end after only hearing that SHE was the problem.
She could be nothing else.
And she also kept having problems no matter what she did.
No matter where she went and with whom.
So she became the problem while also having problems constantly.
Some problems worse that others.
In the end she got so tired of them and tired of being the problem.

She didn’t know how to ever get out of this cycle and overcoming the problems she kept on having.
They were there when she wanted to rest and they were there when she wanted to do something.

Even when she closed her eyes, covered her ears, cried.
Most of the time.
But she did have background music to play.
And danced to it, ran and sang.
She had some pretty great friends and her close family grew with her into people of knowledge.

Her friends as well, they all got wiser.
But they also had their battles.
And now that she has really become the problem she found herself unworthy, like a burden most of the time, she was still having these issues.

While she had many things that other people didn’t, that SHE didn’t have before.
But now she was still having problems being the problem.
And there was nothing left to see, nothing other than the problems and the problem.
The problem is her.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong to.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
Life's never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Let's be in love again and just stay in that bubble.
For one day.
One more day, ok?

I just ate a quarter of a whole apple pie on my own.
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone.
I'm longing for you and you only.
But if I loved you too much I'd just be leaving you lonely.
Even though you've always managed to pull yourself through life.
Losing your best friends, your father, your wife.
She's still your number one, that's fine.
Cause for now I can love you and for a moment you're mine.

Please be with me and hug me even if it's just for one more day again.
I love you, I love you, you are my favourite man.
I hate life, I have to get out, I can't do anything.
But the only thing that feels right is just being with you and loving.
And you will hate me for the pain I'm causing, you can't seem to be able to ever get a break.
I think by now life is just trying to see how much you can take.

Taking on me.
Till I'm gone fully.
Eat me like the quarter of a whole apple pie.
With whipped cream and everything till the day that I die.
Just for a day, for one more night and morning.
Cause I'll still always be longing.
As long as my body is still breathing I want yours against it.
Even if it's just an evening till the reality must hit.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong too.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
And life's just never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Be in love again like you said it: we're at our best in that bubble.
Even if it's just for one day.
One more day, ok?

Tomorrow is a strange thing.
It keeps on happening but you're never there.

So is my longing.
My longing for death.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I believe in myself.
I have to do what I have to do.

Somehow.
Somehow I can.

Death is so strange.
Life is insane.

And people take it as fact.
But it's all just an act and a trap.

So,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I must, I can't just be sick or old.
Suddenly explode.

No, I must fight.
As always.

But I believe in myself.
I have to do it alone.

Out of love for myself.
Out of love for tomorrow.

The day when I passed away.
And there will be no tomorrow for me.

I'll be off into the far away.
Swimming, living in a tree.

Singing and diving.
Never again dying.

I love you.
Please keep loving me.

And believe in yourself.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Believe in your feelings.
Believe in your love.

Cause,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Then the suffering and torture,
they'll be finally over.

I hate this life out of love.
Out of love I hate the suffering of the people.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Out of love and understanding.
Out of love for myself and you.

Out of love for the universe.
The love from the universe.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.