My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was

An endless ripple of problems pretty much sums up my 2016
I started the year unsteady and not so long after it led to a tragedy
I put my life on hold ;  a story yet to be told

I found myself lost and oh dear that wasn’t the only cost
I **** right felt like I was cursed
because the aftermath was so much worse

I felt stuck on this never ending downward *****
where my only option was to cope
I went from trauma to self hate, extreme anger
to pity and depression - the cruel cause?
I couldn’t even mention.

Everyday from then on was just a matter of getting through the day
but “I’m okay” is what I would always say.

My anxiety got worse ; insomnia on a high
- sleepless, for the future I feared
while drowning in tears

I had zero motivation to do anything,
felt like such a useless being.

My family misunderstood me, perceived it as lazy
couldn’t quite see that depression was eating me

There were so much things I wanted to do,
didn’t even bother asking anymore because I knew
that the answers would be the usual:
‘No Phoebe’ or ‘It’s for your safety.’

But despite all the madness and deceit
My family and I still believe
that God is good, all the time.

for In 2016, my relationship with God grew so much deeper
To Him I have cried out so much rivers

Breaking down often became my norm
Then one day, I saw myself in cloud form

(it was a cloud shaped like a side profiled girl with her hair tied in a bun)

It was so beautiful, it made me so happy
but you know what that cloud was that I wasn’t?

Free.

That cloud was like a message, that soon I would be.

“Phoebe be patient, continue to Trust in Me.”

The night before I took that photo,
I had a pretty normal, untriggered breakdown - it wasn’t as bad as the rest.
I guess at that time I was just wallowing in self pity
But wow God was there, listening to me

and that night my hair too was in a bun,
whilst balling my eyes out until the morning sun.

Weeks later yet again things got heavy,
another problem that made me unsteady
There were wars inside my head
that didn’t let me go to bed

It was a battle between
my mind  vs  the  spirit of my soul
I had so much faith, dreams, plans and goals….

then all of a sudden, I wasn’t so hopeful.
I wanted to rise, but a part of me wanted to bid goodbye
One quick fact: I am afraid to die.
But this….this was no lie

A self inflicted death was all I had in mind,
to end the struggle and put everything to rest

and I thank God, for I held until my birth month - September
where things started getting much, much better
and I thank Him again, because even if I was a mess,
I am blessed. Blessed with family and friends
that got me through the toughest.

To my mom, who probably even felt more pain
Even if we don’t always understand each other ;
drive the other insane
I promise you sunshine after all the rain

God’s got us, He continues to provide
I know we’re gonna be alright
through every heavy fight

To my best friends, I am so sorry
for making you all worry
For that latter point when I shoved you all away
because none of you would ever understand my brain

I was so stubborn but thank you, for choosing to stay
It was stupid, to be angered at your concern
but eventually I did learn
That that was when I needed you guys the most

And for anyone now reading this post :
I just want to say that whatever battle,
problem or struggle you’re going through

Nothing will ever be greater than our God, and His love
you can cast all your worries to the One above.

The photo continues to remind me to hold on,
to keep in mind that God has a plan, He is our strength and refuge
And He gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.
He won’t ever give you challenges you can’t handle.

One day for sure, after everything I still have to face,
I will then share my case ;

a tragic memory to a beautiful testimony of how God is the remedy

I remember, I remember
The fall that splintered
into your eyes...
Our kiss goodbye
Your first time and my last night
Everything is alright

It’s alright
if we shudder,
I’ll stutter
every time you walk by

The legs and your neck,
My teeth; stuck in between
The curtain and the chimney
It’s not what it means

Do you see?

Let me lay down now
Let me see what’s at store
I wanna see your bluebird fly
I want to tell you what it’s for

It’s all for nothing!
Oh no,
Not now...
Not when!

Maybe things will be different then
Maybe I’ll look like a stranger that you once knew
Maybe you’ll begin to wonder
What it is about you

What is it?
It’s
death stranding

Leaving me lost in a fog
that was never there.

But I love him.

Yet you are so unhappy.

But I love him.

Yet you cry all the time.

But I love him.

Yet you miss so many flowers in your path, lost in sadness.

But I love him.

Yet you don’t feel loved.

But I love him.

Yet you don’t feel fulfilled.

But I love him.

Tell me, what does love mean to you?

To need someone so much.

Need and love are not the same.

To want to be with someone all the time.

That is not love, that is desire.

To want them so badly, naked in my arms.

That is not love, that is attraction.

To miss someone so much.

That is not love, that is loneliness.

To get so angry thinking of them with someone else.

That is not love, that is jealousy.

To know that this is the only person that can make me happy.

And yet you are not happy.

To feel so afraid of losing someone.

That is not love, that is fear.

Then what is love?

Love is wanting what’s best for another, even if that is not being with you.

I do not feel that way, I want him with me.

Love is an appreciation for someone as they are with no need or desire to change them.

I do not feel that way, there are things he should change.

Love is an open, brilliant energy that transcends time, that is present always and that needs nothing in return.

I don’t have that for him.

Perhaps you are not in love.

It seems that I am not.

What are you then?

I am in need, I am afraid, I am lonely and I'm directing it at him.

And?

And so it is not love.

Are you sure?

Yes.  Now I am. Quite.

Then, your journey can begin.

Last week

seven of my

children were

all together for

the first time

in a long time.


and as each one

came into the room

to greet me.

I felt my roots

grow

deeper and

deeper to

the center

of the universe.


and in their smile

I saw the smile of

my father,

the smile

of my mother.,


and as I drank

in their laughter

I became

drunk with

life.


and when night

fell

I looked up to

the heavens

took a deep

breath into

my soul.


then I

memorized

the exact place

of every star

and shimmer.


and I knew

I had finally

found my

place in

the universe.