At the edge of a flower field, a girl hangs on the white picket fence that
separates her from the other side
She rests her chin in her hand, and watches
As shadows are summoned and twisted to shape
Anxiously searching for the silhouette
Of the boy who walks fearlessly among them

She doesn't know him per se
But she can't help feeling the fear he seems to not

He is the boy who breeds the shadows
And he must have some secret to controlling the dark that she does not know
Is it the song? she wonders
That he plays out night after night, note for note?

Because she has always know the dark to have teeth
And surely anyone who spends so much time with shadows
is bound to be bit

It's wishful thinking
to assume any stance of control
Yet that is what the boy who breeds shadows has done

She strains her eyes into the twilight of the other side
And her shoulders sag in relief as his outline comes into sight

How does he do this, night after night? she marvels

The sunlight gets brighter behind her, so bright it blinds her from inside and turns her side of the fence into a stage, in which the curtain is up and the show must go on.

I know, I know, I have a job to do. I'm coming, she sighs.

Bye, she whispers over the fence to the boy who can't hear her and the shadows that  swallow up the space between them.

She picks up her smile and turns to put on her performance, but her mind is still with the boy who breeds shadows.

*How does he do it?

The shadows dance up the walls to the pound of the drums, taller each day
They reign
I don't believe what I was taught, closed eyes, chin to the sky won't keep them away
They stay
There's no guarantees, but there is gravity, so if you hold onto nothing
You'll fall
Grasp at something to believe, some reason to smile in the dark
You'll find
That the future hopefully isn't quite as far away as you thought

And the shadows will go back to lying in the alley, where they belong

Will it change anything when you look at me now, to know what thoughts have danced around my mind?
Did you get in the car, turn to the driver and say something along the lines of, I never expected that, not from her?
What do you do after someone tells you, And sometimes, the voice in my head tells me I shouldn't be here anymore?
Will you hear my words when you see me smile? Will you question every time whether it's real? Will you watch me from the corner of your eye to make sure I won't just disappear?
What do you do after someone's taken the bandage off their wounds and let you see the blood seep through?

*Please don't let me slip away from you

To the people who have anchored me to the shore and kept me from drowning in the pull of life's undertow:

**Thank you.

Okay, so you didn't have the answers
Not that I really expected it to be that easy
But like torn notebook paper clutched in your hands, you had clues
Lovingly, you opened your palm to share them with me
Now it's time to debrief on the wisdom I've received


It's not that I want to be where my head is at.
It's that I'm so very tired
And clawing out will take so very much energy
That it seems I'm better off staying than fighting

I have to learn how to live for myself
Because if you give until there's nothing left,
You're well and truly gone
I have to learn how to cry
How to not be abused

I have to figure out what's left behind the smile

No one's okay
You've both tried to **** yourselves one, two times
It's not going to get better
Everyday is going to be a fight, to choose to be okay

But as much of a catastrophe as life is
there's going to be some pretty amazing things along the way
you promised

Find those moments, hug them to your chest until they melt through your skin and lend warmth to your heart
Breathe space into your life

You're a badass, you say
Look in the mirror each day and remind yourself that

This world would be missing so much light if you chose to leave it

Remember that, every day

I finally decided to talk to someone
a trusted been-here-before adult
he opened the door, I did the asking and now all that's left is for me to open my mouth and speak
But I'm scared I won't know how when I get there
So I'm going to run a little practice conversation here, for myself

I guess you've noticed I've been a little off lately, what with hiding in corners and falling on floors I'll start

I'll be looking anywhere but his eyes
He'll probably nod and let me continue

I wanted to ask how you keep doing this, day after day

To which he'll hopefully give me the secrets to life, but before I can escape
Maybe he'll stop me and say

Have you been thinking about not?

And as I've been raised to tell the truth, I'll swallow my pride and nod

I can't stop thinking about it. It's not that I want to not be here, it's just that my brain says a lot of things I don't want to hear.

He'll be encouraging. It's who he is.

Like what does it say?" he'll ask

I'll bite my lip, and try not to cry

Sometimes it'll tell me that behind the smile, there is nothing left. Sometimes it'll say that we're all going to destroy ourselves. And sometimes

I'll hesitate before continuing

Sometimes it will tell me that I'm failing you as a leader

I may actually cry then.

But he will hug me, and he will tell me that I am strong, that I am enough, that he will not let me slip away

That is what I'm looking for, what I'm living toward
All that's left to do is open my mouth and speak

How am I supposed to keep doing this?

Everyday, forcing myself to breathe instead of cry
Pushing away sleep's soft kiss of unconsciousness
Deciding to be good, be there, take care of other people
Smiling, always, always smiling
Even when it's so tremulous it might just flutter itself to pieces
Fighting to keep it on my face, where it belongs

Please, I wasn't meant for this
None of us were
Our backs ache
Our showers are full of bottles of recipes that somebody made
That go down the drain
And will **** a river someday
There are stars, and minds, and an infinity of nothingness
That extends out to both sides of our timeline
I wasn't supposed to think about that
I broke the mechanics
And I'm not sure how or how to want to fix it

How am I supposed to keep doing this?

I keep my eyes dancing towards the future, I take one step, then another,
I will fight dragons in my mind
We may not have it yet, but we will find a how to fix it guide
I can do this
We can do this

I have to believe because otherwise I will die

Know that you are doing the best you can right now*
His voice is closest to me of all

And with those words, my body shudders a tear
and the downpour is drawn from my eyes
for the first time free of the chains I strain to hold in place

Let go of your fears
He says, and later

*We're here

So do we have a deal?

Little Red ran into the woods
with a hunter on her heels
She stopped in a flower field
of poppies blood red as her cape
a field meant to ensnare her there
eternally asleep by the time the hunter appeared
but the wolf stumbled upon her
and though aloof, no monster, saved her
so they ran and they ran
until realizing both were lost
and Red had forgotten to leave a trail of crumbs
They wandered until they found grandmother's house
a candy cottage, sickly sweet
the scent carried by the hunter himself
But they're tired so they go in anyway
unsurprisingly trapped, must fight their way out,
push the demons back to the fire where they belong
Except then Red's sent to the tower
to think about what she's done
because you can't push grandmother into an oven
Her hair isn't long enough to climb
so now they're stuck, one inside, one outside
The wolf will trade his soul for magic beans
and grow a stalk to climb, to reach
but Red's already tried her hand at jumping
she calculated for the tree
that the hunter chopped down right as she pushed off
Doomed to fall,
Still the wolf reaches out to catch
so they both come tumbling down
cracking her princess crown
They will fall, they will fall
through the ground, into the rabbit hole
and they will land
in a land of pure imagination unknown

It will be almost dark there,
under the weeping willow where they now stand
Red will hold out the shattered pieces of her crown
'What have I done?'
She will ask
He will look away
'I shouldn't have come here.'
They stand in battered armor, gleaming in the last shreds of light
'I'm sorry I made you fight'
Red sighs, the wolf shrugs
'A deal's a deal'
'Of course' she nods

So what was her end of the deal?

Swirling sea of blue, purple and green
Strange how those colors always come back to haunt me

It is a curse
Graciously bestowed from a myth above
A beautiful voice breaks the silence
Ringing madness and a tint of despair
A blissful call to the depths of the sea
A one-way ticket to live forever in beauty

Too beautiful for category
Winged creatures
Not to fly, but to take the flight from others' wings

Sing the elders hiss at me Sing louder

I stop
But we're hurting them! I cry

They stare at me, horrified
Drag me by clipped wings to the altar
Pronounce my charge
Zeus, she will not sing

He muses
A siren who refuses to sing
What a curiosity
He looks me up and down, distastefully amused
As if I'm a favorite toy of his that he accidentally broke

Release her he says with a wave of his hand
The elders gasp
Should she not be destroyed? A chorus of their gravelly voices ask

Zeus glares at them
Of course she should
But she'll do that to herself
Imagine, knowing you have so much power, just by opening your mouth and never being able to use it
She will break. She will drive herself mad or she will sing
And that will be the end of that

He smiles at me
Goodbye now he waves one hand
And they throw me out to the humans
Who are just as ready to mock my strange looks and past
As to take me in

I will go mad for them still
I will not use my words for evil, for unintended harm
I must not sing
**I must not sing