Tiny paws thud over to a food dish.
Crunch crunch crunch
Half asleep, a grin spreads across my face.
Little chirps meet my ears
Before I feel the bed shift
Under the smallest amount of weight.
The pitch of her purr makes my heart feel at peace.
I open my eyes as she climbs onto my chest
And rubs a furry little face against my neck.
The little ball of fluff settles in and
We fall asleep.

I wonder what he thought of me
When I was 9 years old.
My two sisters and I running around
Excited to meet someone Mom brought home

I wonder if he knew then
What he would take from my family,
From me.
I wonder if he knew then
The wedges he would place when he tried
To make we.

I wonder how long it took him
to choose.
My older sister never liked him.
My younger sister was 4.
I guess it could have been worse.
It could've been her he had coerced.

When he coached my volleyball team
And insisted it was indecent
For underage girls to wear
spandex uniforms I thought
"how nice it is for him to care."
I wonder, was he concerned for me
Or protecting my delicious modesty?

When he followed me up to my room
After my showers
Was he waiting outside the door
Like he said,
or was he waiting
for the day he would waltz right in?

When he stayed up
Talking to me at night
We weren't good friends,
Best friends.
We were predator and prey.
He was trying to make me see
That him and me would be okay.

That my mother didn't care.
That my sisters weren't worthy.
That my friends could never understand.
He wanted me to know
that I was alone,
And he understood.
We were the same.

In the same breath
He would call me his kid
Then tell me how grown I'd gotten.
How smart, beautiful, honest.
My mother apparently forgotten.

Then there were hands.
And cameras.
Then silence.

"It will be 2 or 3 weeks before there is any change."

I doubt these will help at all.
This pit in my chest, it won't ever be gone.
Depression can't be cured. Or that's what I heard.
I've felt bad for so long, would feeling okay just feel wrong?

I was sitting on a bench, reading a book
Smiling
To myself. No one was watching.
I was smiling for me, naturally.

The change creeped up slowly.
So slow I almost didn't know.
I'm suddenly crying, confused
Thankful!
I didn't think I would ever again
See how bright the sun had been.
Notice how nice the breeze felt against my skin.

A tiny change, some pills a day
changed my life in a meaningful way.
I promise you, I'm not happy all the time. But I feel all emotion
Instead of constant inner commotion.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank me. I could have ended it, I almost did twice. But right now,
Living feels nice.

Step 1: bow to your partner and hope they bow in return this is the first of many false acts of kindness you will receive
Step 2: move forward. A dance of this variety will require close quarters, and may result in attachment
Step 3: hold on. Get used to your partner leading. It’s time for you to be less than, that’s what you are. A scar left on them because you, you are the one to blame, right?
Step 4: glide right. You’re right they say shes left but you know they’re wrong. This song is on repeat and you know the only way to stop is take a seat but if you want to do that refer to step 3 this dance is not optional.
Step 5: follow her when she moves back the threat of her leaving somehow makes you stay. The day is not done. You are not about to lose her you are not about to be the cause of destruction you are not about to break a heel trying to pull away so balance on those sticks you call shoes
Step six: go left. your partner is right and you can’t question a rhythm.
Step seven: step back
Step seven: evaluate
Step seven: is your chance
Step seven: your body says run
Step seven: your feet are frozen
Step eight: hold onto your partner, you must get used to her leading. She says Do not stop dancing, not even if the music stops.
Step nine: who are you to question, glide right because she hasn’t left
Step ten: move forward, it will take her aback. Somehow you’ve found a way to lead
Step eleven: now you are the one who has left, but that does not make her right
Step 12: step back. Turn off the music. Bow.