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Please don’t call me beautiful
when your hands are between my legs,
and god forbid you say it as a seg-way
between you’re so hot
and my caution, your response
you’re sure you don’t want to?
I’m pretty sure the way my body looks,
nineteen and stress-infused with an Oreo belly
isn’t really what you pictured beneath my blouse,
and I’m positive you didn’t listen
to the story about my dad and the bad prom dress
because you cared. It was just sentiment. You said it was beautiful,
but really you wanted me to believe the act
like a description in the Playbill
and ride that trust all the way until the curtain dropped.
Please don’t call me beautiful
when the word ******* is before it
or if we are ******* because making love
is for married couples and you don’t even want me
sticking around for the ****** sunrise that peers
underneath your shade every morning.

Tell me I’m beautiful when I’m crying—
crack me open and watch the colors bleed
like a painting that hasn’t dried. Admire
the light that peaks through the clear parts
like a windowpane, no blinds.
Tell me I’m beautiful when I’m laughing,
when I’m reading my favorite part of a book,
when I’m stuffing my face with peanut-butter
pretzel bites and I haven’t washed my sheets in weeks,
and I’ll know you can’t be lying
because I’ve listened to the waves your heart makes
when you’re sleeping and I’ve called your smile
to the surface many times when you’ve tried
to deflect it back inside. You’ll know that
and you’ll know I’m beautiful.  
Call me beautiful
when you’re not even trying.
Call me beautiful when you’re by yourself
and the smell of my hair is still on your pillow,
or the memory of how dumb I sounded
singing my favorite song breaks your heart back
to the best little pieces.
Try to understand.
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
 Feb 2015 Thinkerbelle
Julian
Fear.
That's what engulfed me
and my heart
before I could risk anything.
I could never put my best foot forward
when it came to you
knowing that I may never get a chance.
I could never make a move towards you
knowing that at some point,
we may end up further apart than what we already are

In my desire to cease my longing,
I drew away myself away from you
only to suffer an unquenchable thirst,
one that only you can provide a relief to

I'm sure you'd be surprised
if I told you,
a part of me still wants to be with you.
I'm sure you'd be surprised, if I even told you,
I wanted you, and I have always liked you

Because in the end,
I regret the path I chose to deviate from,
I regret not taking my chances with you
I regret, not trusting you
Because we could have been forever,
and we'd never know.
 Feb 2015 Thinkerbelle
Julian
I am swimming in the words I am trying to hold back
scared that you’ll dive away
from the projections of my feelings
and all its intensity

you showed me your smile
and with that you had me
you know you have me
I just don’t know if I have you.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.
 Jan 2015 Thinkerbelle
Advent
when you’ve traced
every corner of my body
and have felt
the brittleness of my bones
—and when you’ve brushed
your fingers
through every inch
of my skin,
promise me
you won’t break me

when you’ve bit my lips
and find it bleeding
know that I’m vulnerable to your lies

and when you’ve kissed my tears
and find my eyes lost
know that I’m fragile to your touch
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