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Beth Mar 2020
There’s things In my mind
that I sometimes struggle to find
things like who I really am
if I looked deep inside

These Intrusive thoughts
keep invading my mind,
and they lead me to believe
that everyone will leave me behind

There’s something explosive
inside of my chest
emotions leak out
I can’t keep them suppressed

Can’t tell what is real
I’m so dissociated
it’s like right after something happens
the memory is asphyxiated

I can go from pure joy
To exploding with anger
and its so hard to control
the impulsive behaviors

I have so many conversations
inside of my head
and theres someone inside of me
that says I’m better off dead

By the time I was fourteen
I’d made my first attempt
only a freshmen in high school
yet I was treated with such contempt

Now I’m an adult
and nothings really changed
except for being told
there’s a disorder in my brain

Now I don’t want any attention
but I need some affirmation
does anybody really care
or am I just a mental patient
A poem expressing some of my experiences with borderline personality disorder
Beth Mar 2020
I’ve got so many voices inside my head,
my Schizophrenia’s keeping them fed,
I’m starting to feel lost within myself,
think I’m turning into someone else.


I’m always planning my escape,
before my brain can escalate.

“I can’t find it,
where’s the door?
I don’t think we’ve been here before.”


Fight or flight is kicking in,
I can feel it in my skin.
My heart is pounding through my chest,
what is this?
I feel possessed.


“They’re out to get you,
stay at home,
you know it’s best to leave them alone.”

I can feel the panic taking over,
struggle keeping my composure,
start to shake uncontrollably,
I think the demons got ahold of me.


I’ve tried to drown them out,
but my head is in a drought,
my mind goes blank,
I’m in a daze,
somehow my body operates.


What was that?
I heard the door.

“Maybe you should go explore.”

The hallucinations are back again,
no one’s there,
there had never been.


It’s okay,
I’m not crazy,
things are just a little hazy.

“Who are you kidding?
You’re so deranged,
stop walking around like anything’s changed!”


I just want to make my family proud,
but these voices are getting so loud,
they push me down,
to the ground,
I think I hear them laughing now.

What’s so funny?

“It’s a game,
if you want to win you’ve got to play,
so pick a card and roll the dice,
Maybe tomorrow we’ll be nice.”

I picked a card,
they flipped The Fool,
I guess that means I’m just a tool,
a vessel meant for them to rule.
Which means tomorrow they’ll still be here,
emphasizing my every fear.

“Just close your eyes,
and relinquish your mind,
it’s time for you to say goodbye,
put that gun to your head,
we’ll be gone once your mind is dead.”

I’ve got the gun,
now there’s one in the chamber,
but let me leave you with this one disclaimer.

When I pulled the trigger,
my body collapsed,
then somewhere between life and death overlapped,
and my demons found their way through the cracks.

Now everything’s dark,
and it’s so **** scary,
I’m trapped with my demons,
in solitary.

— The End —