Back porch blues
I’m seeing ghosts
Skimming through
The pages
Burning bridges
Searching
For glory in my hell
Unaccompanied
Guilty innocence
What a pity
Had it all stripped just like that  
Orphaned
That look in your
Eyes that echos in pain
The sad little
Boy who cried
Wolf and no one came
Running to save him
How could his parents
Be so cruel
Abandon him in the direst
Of moments
That would shape the sands
Of time
What would the future hold
Wish I would have never known
The answers to that
Now a man struggling
With what ifs
All I wanted was to be a boy
And enjoy my childhood
Wondering where all the time went
Wasting away
In the distant cries  
Of a youth that took me under with it

I wish he could know
What I'm too scared to show.
I wish he could see
Just how much he means to me.
I wish he could tell
That I know him so well.
I wish he could feel
My love that is real.
I wish he could hear
The things that I fear
About him never knowing
That my love for him is growing.

There will be dark days,
when you feel alone
with your aching heart
but that doesn’t mean
you will always be.
The sun will always
peer through the clouds.
Let its light show you
the love you have forgotten.

Your eyes are fire.
Their image burnt into my soul,
Scarred by beauty.

I fell apart when
You pulled away your hand
Now I’m sinking under darkness
In the room I made my stand
So I lull myself to sleep
Under waves that you command

I thought I heard you call out
Just a phantom and a sickness
All alone in the dark now
You know I cannot do this

I screamed so you could find me
I drifted out of reach
In the ocean I created
And my phantom on the beach

Now the room it’s cold and empty
Your songs are far away
The music that you left me
Are distant echoes I replay

All this dread is setting in,
Anxiety rattling,
Attention gathering.

All it is-is catastrophic,
Running the mile,
Exhaustion,
Fighting pain.
My fault to blame?
Who knows,
Full shame,
I think I’m going insane.

My head Is spinning bout,
Brain so foggy,
Im feeling really groggy.
attention full steam,
All this stuff settling,
Appearing in a whole new setting.

Fear.
Confusion.
I’m losing,
The battle.
Attention?
Please.
I’m fighting,
I don’t need a medal.
Just listen,
To me,
I beg,
PLEASE.
I’m on my knees,
I’m fighting the stinging,
Of wasps and bees.

Plunging my stomach,
Sinking into my brain.
I think I need help.

All this dread,
All this shame,
Putting on the blame,
So many mistakes.

All uprising,
Head to the clouds.
I’m falling down,
No parachute,
And I smack the ground.
Pain radiating,
Like noise in a crowd.

Am I losing my mind,
I need to take my time.
Finding who I am,
Finding ways to take control,
Thoughts.
Clouds.
Pain.
Shame.
Dread.
Hate.
Love.
faith.

Am I enough?
Am I worthy?
Can I be someone great?
Did I make too many mistakes?

I’m HURTING.
my brain,
Is fumbling,
I’m losing a battle.

But I keep on fighting.
I got plans,
And I’m making changes,
I’m making demands.

“Its all attention seeking”
“Your asking for it”
“You act like your the only one in this world”
“How can you be someone great, if you can’t even take care of yourself”

This is what people have said to me.
It’s all setting in.
And I’m NOT going,
To stop fighting.

I fight the nightmares,
Each night.
Sleep comes and goes,
Like a streetlight.

Writing is my true escape,
Once a lightbulb goes off,
I chase these thoughts in my head,
When I can't seem,
to go to bed.

Late nights,
Faint yellow glow,
Of my nightlight,
On my little wooden table.  
Soft Grey pj's,
Seeming to sink,
In my weight.
All these thoughts,
They link,
Making these poems,
Late at night,
I have no fright.

For--
Once I write,
I feel free.
Finally light enough,
To breath.

Finally free enough,
To fly.
Not scared.
Not anxious.
Not sad.
Not mad.
All things let loose.

the faint glow,
Turns dark.
The noise,
Slows.
And sleep comes,
And then it repeats,
As night turns to day,
sleep goes.