Halloween of 2016
5th cigarette of the night
vanilla lattes from noble tea
instant film with double exposures
fishnets and all red
I remember you still
and I wish we could be in your house with cluttered feet
Handing out candy to the children dressed up as angels and demons
giving us breaks so you could put your arms around me
and I am not shivering in a cold car without you
this is what I want
from somebody
and I go to the front porch
Cigarette number six is now hanging limp from my mouth
and I pull out a ****** dating app and swipe
my self hatred grows.
I throw my phone across the street.
somehow the screen does not shatter
i try to find something hidden
the children are dressed up as demons
and i ache for more
I see you in them.
I miss the angels

when u left my world went grey
and i disappeared into the soil hoping to find u there
bc you were my world
still are.
i want to get over it.
i break my mental breakdowns into parts each week.
I’m on part 6 right now,
soon to be on part seven.
i drink more coffee now.
you drink tea.
my friends can tell when I am upset now
i frown and make my hurt visible
i do not speak
but sometimes it all comes out
part 7
and I am crying in the closet of my photography class
i tell them how i wish I was walking on the side of the highway
and how the ground seems more soft
than I could ever be
more warm than I could ever feel
they don't understand.
i wish they would.
they just nod and gently pat my back,
knowing if they did any harder, it would break.
you are soft
they whisper
you are soft
they touch my hot flushed cheeks
you feel warm
you feel warm
wipe my eyes,
makeup smears
don't wipe it off.
show them I'm weak.
wear your heart on your ******* sleeve
Let them know you are weak
Show them you're more than that
PART 8.
i texted you everything I felt
regretted in the morning but didn't at the same time.
Felt weak, knew I wasn't.
but that never stops the feeling
PART 9.
carved your name on my bed frame
along with all the reasons
because my friends say I'll never get over you
like it's a bad thing
but they don't know I can learn to live without you.
PART 10
know you may never come find me
but for everything a reason
for everything a reason

I am a broken down street light
trying to find places where your name fills in the sidewalk cracks.
as the car's headlights beat down on my face.
Everything is quiet but loud all at once.
I try to forget everything
but it's one a.m.
almost a year later
and i'm still thinking about it.
I hope you feel my name in the cold air.
I hope you see my love for you in her.
I hope you see my face in the passing by strangers.
and maybe that you feel the same.
i wait for a phone call, or maybe even a text message.
something to fill the cracks.
i know i shouldn't love you.
but my stomach is aching
and my arms long for yours.
it's okay.
I will reach for the autumn air
it will feel the same as you.
text me.
tell me you never want to see me again
Tell me you don't love me.
fill the cracks.
text me.
tell me you're sorry
forgive me.
say you love me.
fill the cracks
i am constantly changing
but my feelings still haven't changed for you.
put me into a glass box
with butterflies and stardust
until I am not real anymore.
i don't know anything about reality
and please
kiss the pain away.
the phrase
"Get over it" will be flung at me a million times
and I was being honest when I said I don't think I ever will
text me
until I can no longer feel again.

Please text me.

sometimes i pretend we're still friends.
our bodies tangling together
as i feel your breath pressed up to my cheek.
friends.
there is a daydream in your eyes.
I tell you you're beautiful.
my creative writing class has been forcing me to remember the past.
she says
"Write about an instance with someone you love or used to love."
the room stays silent
at first I hate it,
but by the end of it
I am writing your name with hearts around it on my paper.
I hate remembering.
I try to write about how I hate you.
no hearts on paper
but I don't.
i tried to hate you.
but then I remembered
Wes Anderson films
and first kisses
the sort of things that cover
bad songs and poorly worded excuses
and the secret site
I poured my thoughts to
the times it was worse than just "things are bad right now"
the bad times are still there.
i know you're bad for me.
but it doesn't matter.
I read poems from a girl who has the same name as you
i pretend it's you,
I feel like I am a part of you still
wish she was you.
I say your name in the mirror
until it doesn't sound real
and it will lose all meaning
and I repeat
"losing you wasn’t a loss"
"Losing you wasn't a loss"
and i try to hate you
I'm really trying
and i might
but the secret site is closed down
and i don’t go to it anymore
i kiss others to get the taste of you out.
i don’t think it is working.
their lips aren’t soft.
I stop talking to them days later.
i watch wes anderson movies alone.
the blankets cover my toes
as the tv flashes onto my face,
casting different shadows and lights
till I don't feel like I'm myself anymore.
i reach for your hand and it isn't there.
the space i occupy is empty.
so am I.
and I won't fall asleep
I don't want to dream about you anymore.

i wonder if you see my hand tremble
as i smoke my cigarette and
try to match your gaze

you are saying something different
with your eyes than with
your mouth

i tell you you look like a tiger in a zoo
where they don’t feed you enough
because it is the truth

I'm not dead yet
And I will not be
Until I **** the last part of you,
You disappoint me,
And I'm already my enemy.

Can you face me?
Have you ever been able?
So catatonic and craving;
So undecided on your nightmare.

Into this world of mine you entered
Now you try to play dead
You cannot play hide and seek
I've let you live but you leap...
Into my abundance of curses.

Something is getting in your way,
I will continue to haunt you,
Haunted your soul has become
And with no remorse you're sentenced.

No love will you know,
And just because I say so.

You once saw me in your Hell,
I hope you will be well,
Because I am the Shadow of your remains
For the bells of Hell ring for me to deliver you.

Your faith is nothing to me
For I am the one who will see;
On the same pillow of despair
You will sense my perfume and you'll feel unfair.

Through blood and nightmares
Will you crawl to me
And I'll make you my seal
For all Hell's enemies to see.

You poor animal with no soul,
You poor human with no more...
Guess and you'll be hanged
Be your own injustice world.

On your stone grave will be written
"Our beloved lost soul"
So that the one who delivered you
Can be more than your devil.

You created me,
Now bear with me,
Bear your unbearable life,
Bear your greatest crime

And that is me.